Hello!

Hope you all had a lovely holiday! We spent the day at my IL's. Not ideal but it was better (at least in some ways) than spending it home alone by ourselves. And since we certainly weren't about to go spend the day at NM's house.....

I'm still busy keeping the house clean while it's on the market as well as looking for homes for us to move into once this one sells. We've had a couple really good contenders but, so far, still haven't found that "perfect" house. We had thought we'd found "the one" but it turned out that the uneven floors couldn't be fixed which took it off our list. We're currently entertaining a two bedroom/two bath house but are waiting to hear if the owners are willing to take care of a very minor mold problem that we noticed when we went to look at it.

Things have continued to be okay with NM for the most part. There have been a couple minor comments, such as a couple weeks ago when she casually mentioned to me that NHS and NSJ "weren't ready to get back involved with you (meaning me) yet". As if to imply that *I* was somehow the one that hurt *them* or something that they should need more time before being willing to get back involved with me. *eyeroll* Whatever. I just laughed and told NM that that was FINE by me as I didn't want anything to do with either of them again at any point EVER!

The other issue I've had with NM is that she has begun to push to be able to take DS out on her own again. She asked me last week over the phone if I would be willing to "work with her" at her eventually being able to take DS out on her own. At the time I said yes. My line of thinking was that I was willing to give her another chance to prove I could trust her - which I fully realize is unlikely and may never happen - and that this would take a preliminary estimate of 6 to 12 months at which point we'd re-evaluate and see how things were going, how I felt, etc.

However, in NM's follow-up comments after I'd agreed to work on things with her, I get the distinct impression that she thinks she can just come over to my house two or three times a week for a few weeks and that she, DS and I will all go up to the corner store two or three times at which point I will magically be okay with her taking DS out on her own wherever and whenever she wants. So NOT going to happen.

To be honest, it's not DS' immediate safety I worry about. I do not fear that NM would allow him to wander off or leave him unsupervised or anything like that. It's NSJ. While I can respect that NM feels differently toward her dh than I do, the bottom line is that I do NOT trust her to honor my dh's and my wishes for our son not to have ANY contact whatsoever with NSJ. I don't even want NM to put NSJ on speaker phone and for NSJ to say hello to DS. NO CONTACT whatsoever - no phone calls, no cards/gifts/emails. Zip. Zero. Nada.

I've also made it very clear, as did my dh the last time we sat and talked with NM in our living room approximately two years ago, that we do NOT feel comfortable with DS going to NM's house under any circumstances. Despite that, NM kept making comments to the effect of, "Well if DS was at my house and NSJ called to say he was coming home early, I'd start packing him up and leave immediately. And if NSJ happened to show up unexpected or earlier than planned and asked who NSJ was, I would just tell him 'That's your grandpa. He did some stuff to your mommy when she was little that hurt your mommy really bad and that's why your mommy doesn't want you around your grandpa.'" I just said to NM, "ONE, that is too much adult stuff to put on a small child. TWO, we can circumvent the need for all that discussion IF DS ISN'T AT YOUR HOUSE!" The fact that NM keeps talking about DS coming to her house, even if she says that she knows it will never happen, tells me that she plans to get her way at some point.

I've decided that as soon as NM is back from her vacation in a day or two, I am going to sit down with her and tell her in no uncertain terms the following:

1) DS will NEVER be over at her house. He won't be there with dh and/or me and he most definitely would never be there without one of us present. Bottom line, there will never be ANY babysitting him at her house, no sleepovers, no "happy family" get-togethers at her house for holidays or birthdays, nothing. DS WILL NOT BE AT HER HOUSE AGAIN EVER.

2) It is entirely likely that I would NEVER feel comfortable with her taking DS out on her own as I simply DO NOT TRUST HER to respect and/or honor dh's and my wishes to not allow contact of any kind with NSJ. More to the point, I don't really see any need for her to take DS out on her own, especially to her home, so what would be the point in "working at it" to get there?

3) I do not desire at ANY point to EVER have contact of ANY kind with either NHS or NSJ again. I am not interested in meeting with them at some point to "talk things out", nor do I desire to hear about what they may or may not have said about me. This includes good or bad. The both of them are as good as dead to me and I do not desire any relationship of any kind with them now or at any point in the future. Period. End of story.

4) NM is welcome to visit DS here at my home provided she calls ahead of time to make sure it is okay and that we do not have other plans first. 

If her motivation is as she claims and she just wants a relationship with myself and DS, then she will back off pushing me about taking DS out on her own and be content with what I'm willing to give her. That said, I do not anticipate that this discussion will go well which is why I plan to do it when DS is out of the house. However, I am hoping that NM will at least begrudgingly agree to do as I've asked. 

And if she doesn't? Well, admittedly, I will be hurt and upset for a bit but I feel confident that I can handle whatever it is she throws my way. I just need to remind myself that I've already survived all they had to throw at me when I was just a defenseless child. Now, as an adult, I'm even stronger and more capable than before. (And of course I always have the option of going back to NC again should I choose!)

In other news, apparently my NHS and NBIL have plans to move back to our home state of Ohio after the first of the year. Supposedly NBIL has a friend who is willing to interview him and likely hire him. (Guess this "friend" doesn't know about NBIL's horrible employment history where he's never kept a job beyond a month or two.) According to my aunt N, quite coincidentally, this talk of moving to Ohio - as well as other talk about how horrible it apparently is where we currently live - began right around the same time that NM and I got back in touch and began trying to work on our relationship. It seems my sister dear can't handle the fact that I am back in the picture and that - according to aunt N and other extended FOO members - NM is much happier now that I'm back in her life.

I don't know whether to roll my eyes and gag at the pathetic-ness of the situation or laugh hysterically at how absurd it all is. To think that they would actually pull up and move away from friends and family all because of lil ole me? Are you serious??!! How dumb!

Their whole argument about (current state of residence) is that there are supposedly "too many minorities" here. Of course they used much more vulgar, racist terms but, you get the idea. Bottom line, NHS and NBIL are NEVER happy or content with ANYTHING. They have something negative to say about everything and I mean that most literally - truly, they find fault with everything and everyone. I've never met anyone more negative than the two of them.

The funniest thing of all - at least for me! - is that I know with 100% certainty that within just a few days, they will begin to complain about how "awful" it is up there and want to move back. If not within a few days than most certainly after enduring one of Ohio's freezing cold winters. Only, at that point, they will have sold their home here and be in far more debt than they are currently and they will have nowhere to go back TO. LOL Yep, funny stuff!

Well, I think that about does it for updates. Hope you're all doing well!

DA

ARRRGGGHHH!! I'm freaking SURROUNDED by N's!!

The N IL's strike again. 


After having DS about 5 1/2 years ago, dh and I had decided that we were done having children. We didn't expect to want anymore at any point and we were content with that decision. Until recently.


Due to a recent - ahem - "incident", the possibility that I might be pregnant came to pass. Suddenly, dh and I began thinking, "What if?" and realized that maybe we weren't done having kids quite yet. The past week or so, we've done a lot of talking and thinking and have started to think that we may want to try for one more.


The "cons" for lack of a better word are:


1) Because dh's employer was kind enough to cut health coverage for me and ds a few years back, I no longer have maternity coverage. This would mean that we'd have to get Medicaid temporarily to cover my prenatal visits and care as well as to help us pay for the birth.


2) I am currently 35 (not that that is ancient by any means) but it does mean that I'm quickly approaching the end of my "window of opportunity" as I understand it. Yes, some women have babies later in life but I've always heard that the window begins to start closing at 35.


3) DS is currently 5 1/2. IF we were pregnant right now, that would mean that there would be a 6 year age difference between DS and the new baby which does cause us some concern.


4) There are a few more minor issues that worry me, like what if I have to have another c-section and am unable to provide the usual daily care for DS temporarily while I heal? Who will help us out? Dh can't take time off work, nor can he take DS to school every day for however long and then go back to pick him up after school. And since the bus system is horrible here - major bullying problems, etc. - him riding the bus isn't an option. It would help if I had any sort of family support here that I could count on but, obviously, I do not, so that is an issue.


Despite all the "cons" and our worries, dh and I have been feeling rather excited about the possibility and, in my excitement, I mentioned a few of my thoughts to MIL when she was here the other day. As crazy as MIL was when she found out we were expecting last time - and as obsessed and she has been with DS and my new nephew - I fully expected MIL would be over the moon with excitement at the prospect of having yet another addition to the family. Turns out, that was not the case at all.


MIL has this way of, instead of coming out and saying how she feels, wording things about how other people would probably feel or what she's heard from other people which is her way of saying that she doesn't agree with what you're saying. So MIL says that other people have always said you don't want more than 3 years difference in age between the two kids, blah blah, otherwise they might not get along, blah blah and that she just happened to agree with that line of thought. By the time she was through - and though it was in actuality probably only a few minutes that passed of her talking, it felt like much longer - I felt like an irresponsible idiot who was stupid for even considering having another baby given my advanced age, etc. I was very hurt and completely crushed. Whatever excitement I had before I talked to her was completely gone.


After a day of feeling down and doubting my decision to have another baby, I emailed my aunt N who - bless her - basically told me to screw my IL's and anyone else who didn't have anything supportive or kind to say! She said that 6 years difference didn't mean SQUAT provided that the arrival of a new baby didn't mean the exclusion of DS. So long as we included him in the process, DS would be just fine with the new baby. As for the financial aspects of the issue, aunt N said that there was no shame in having to go on assistance temporarily and that, after all, we'd been paying into it all these years hadn't we? So why not reap some of the benefits? It wasn't like we were taking advantage or exploiting the system like some people do. Rather, we were using it as it was intended to be used - for people with genuine need.


After speaking with my aunt N, I felt much better for a couple days. Then yesterday, I couldn't stand it anymore and broke down and bought a pregnancy test. It turned out it was negative but, while I was disappointed, I realized that didn't mean we couldn't still try so I was still excited to a point. Until yesterday evening.


I was soaking in the tub, relaxing, and dh came into the bathroom for a second and we started talking. At one point he mentioned that he wants to talk to his dad (FIL) about this whole issue. I said, "What for? Like his permission?" Dh said no, that he was looking for advice from his dad. I was like, "Advice about what?" and he said he just wanted to run things by his dad. I said something else and we went back and forth for a few minutes and then dhdh walked out of the room for some reason.


A bit later, we were in the living room - dh was watching tv while I worked on a sign I'm painting for a client - and we again began discussing the issue of dh talking with his dad about this topic. I finally said, "I still don't understand what it is you're looking for from your dad. Are you wanting his financial advice?" and dh responded, "No. I'm not 'looking for' anything." and then added, "I just want to ask him, am I being irresponsible financially by having this baby given our current finances and state of the economy, blah blah?" Despite all dh said, it certainly still sounds to me as if he is looking for something from his parents, specifically his father, be it validation, "permission" or whatever.


My feeling on the whole matter is, again, this is something that should be OUR decision and OURS alone. I know as surely as I know my own name, that MIL mentioned what I said to her a few days ago to FIL already and I can guarantee you that FIL will have much the same opinion as MIL did. My guess is that they both assume that, given our financial status, we will eventually look to them to foot the bill for the new baby but that is NOT the case. I don't need shit from my IL's, especially money-wise. And given their past behavior of holding things over our head and/or things coming with several strings attached, I'd rather live in a box and go on welfare permanently than to ask them for a single cent anyhow but, I digress.


At any rate, as I was saying before I got off on a bit of a tangent, I just know that FIL is going to say things he has no right saying to his son, about how HELL YEAH we'd be behaving irresponsibly by having another baby and about how that window of opportunity has "passed" for me/us and how he doesn't think it's a good idea. And I also know that, despite what dh may say about making up his own mind and his parents' opinions not having any effect on his decision, FIL negative speech WILL have an effect on dh's thoughts. Dh is already worried about how he'd provide for another person being that he is the sole provider. And, though he won't admit it, I know his pride also comes into play when he thinks about going on assistance even if only temporarily. Dh commented recently that, if we still had our old insurance with maternity coverage, he'd be 100% for it and ready to begin trying today. I think he very much wants another child but is scared about how he'll be able to provide for all of us. As a religious and resourceful woman, I know and trust it will all work out but dh is very logical minded - he's a man, after all - and isn't willing to trust on "it'll work out". Which I can understand in a way.


I'm just so sick of my IL's and the way they treat us like total idiots who are incapable of finding our way out of a paper bag. Dh and I have never been the type who do things impulsively. We think things through, especially when it's a big decision like whether or not to have another child. Despite our proving our capability to function and thrive on our own however, my IL's continue to treat us like stupid children, FIL especially. Furthermore, they know NOTHING of boundaries. There is no line that they view as being "uncrossable" because THEY are the parents and WE are the children and, as such, they have every right to steer us in the right direction or whatever. If dh and I were considering buying some uber-expensive luxury item, then I could see where FIL might have a right to say, "Umm...do you think that's wise given your current financial status?" But this is a BABY we're talking about. A baby that I will carry in MY womb for 9+ months and suffer through pregnancy and delivery with. A baby that WE will have the responsibility of protecting, nurturing, feeding and caring for, NOT MY IL'S!!! And, as such, I think they ought to BUTT THE FUCK OUT and keep their yaps shut if they don't have anything positive and/or supportive to say!


Honestly, sometimes they just piss me off so much! It's times like these when I wish we could just sell this house and move far, far away and start a whole new life free of stupid N family members. I get so sick of dealing with their rudeness and inappropriateness. Dh, being a (pretty much) "normie" just doesn't see it the way I do. He doesn't think his parents are perfect by any means and admits they have their faults. He just severely downplays those faults as being more of a mere nuisance than an actual problem. I, however, see more and more similarities between his P's and my NM as the time goes on.


One things for sure, I am done being all nicey nice with my IL's and trying to play happy family with them. From now on, I'll be civil, polite and respectful when I'm forced to be around them but I'll be damned if I'll extend myself beyond that. I'm through going above and beyond just to be crapped on and stabbed in the back and manipulated. To hell with them!


DA

AMAZING post over at "Emerging From Broken" blog...

Happened upon an amazing blog post today about receiving bad advice and was blown away. Rarely have I come across someone who is able to put into words exactly what I've been feeling inside of me. Here's a snippet of the post:
 

People always told me things like “deal with it” and “get over it” and “put it behind you” They always seemed so impatient with me and even exasperated that I was still “there” and not over it.

Has anyone ever given you instructions on HOW to “deal with it”? Have you been giving information about HOW to get over it, that didn’t include statements to which you have to keep asking “how do I do that”? Just get over it. (HOW?) Just put it behind you. (HOW?) ~ “Give it to God”. (HOW?) To which the answer was “Have faith”. (HOW?) Well, you get the picture.

Further down in the post, the author writes, "The real message out there in the world is don't deal with it."

It's never occurred to me before but, as I thought about it, I realized that the author is right - having someone say to you, "Get over it already." or "It's in the past. Put it behind you and move on." IS essentially them saying to you, "DON'T deal with it or, at the very least, don't talk about it." This is because it holds a mirror up to them and forces them to see what they don't want to acknowledge. It interferes with their hard work to go on pretending everything is "hunky dorey" when the truth is anything but.

As I'm sure is the case for many of you, if I had a nickel for every time my N FOO has said to me, "Get over it already." or "It's in the past.  Move on already.", I'd be a freaking millionaire. Being invalidated in that way is, to me, almost worse than the original abuse we were made to suffer. Not only did/do we apparently deserve what we got but now we're not even entitled to our feelings about it! Talk about a wounding to the soul.

I hope you all will head over to "Emerging From Broken" and check out her other posts. I'm telling ya, there's some GOOD stuff over there! ;o)

DA xx

Checking in...

The stress around here has eased up just a lil bit now that the house is officially on the market. We had a couple delays getting it up for sale but, as of this Monday, the house is on the market. We had our first showing today. No word from the realtor yet but we're keeping our fingers crossed. The houses around here seem to sell pretty quickly so, we're hopeful!

NM continues to be on decent behavior. There have been a couple comments here and there to the tone of "I wish all the kids could be together at Christmas" or "It would be so nice if ds could play with the other kids here in my neighborhood". On both occasions, I was quick to say - politely but firmly - "Ain't gonna happen NM." To her credit, NM did not push. Instead she said, "I know. Just wishful thinking on my part." and added that she's trying to let go and accept what is but it's hard.

As for me, I seem to be having a better time of letting the few comments NM makes roll off my back and not get to me. I'm hoping that I can continue along this way but realize that I may slide a bit here and there. As always, I'm ready to stand my ground much more firmly when the time arises.

Found out from talking with NM that my NHS has been homeschooling her two kids this school year. This news was very upsetting to me. NHS' level of malignancy makes NM look like a harmless kitten, and that's putting it mildly. The one silver lining in the whole situation for me was that those two children were at least exposed to some normalcy for a few hours each week day while they attended the local public school. But now, they are subjected to NHS' particular brand of insanity 24/7 and it just makes me extremely sad and worried for their eventual well-being. Even dh agrees that NHS and NBIL's way of thinking is extremely cult-like. It's just a crappy situation all around.

My aunt N revealed that NHS - who has apparently been studying to be a medical assistant of all things (what is it with these malignant N's wanting to go into the health care field?) - recently failed her exam. The big thing was that she failed in correctly putting on a T.E.D. sock - talk about easy peasy - and (NHS) claims that, after the lady told her she'd gotten that part wrong, NHS was too "flustered" and couldn't concentrate and so THAT is why she failed almost the entire exam. As always, it is NEVER NHS' fault. (Never ceases to amaze me just how many excuses an N can come up with as a means of shirking responsibility.) Now, supposedly, NHS is whining all over Facebook about how she can't retake the exam any time soon because they "can't afford the fee". Aunt N believes, as do I, that the only reason NHS is whining about not having money on FB is because she's counting on certain relatives to send her money and bail her out yet again. As I understand it, this is a weekly/monthly occurrence with NHS whining about not having money and either NHS' aunt (NSJ's sister) bailing them out or NSJ and NM sending NHS and NBIL money. Aunt N says that NSJ frequently takes money out of his retirement fund (which he and NM have already been quickly depleting to keep up with house payments, etc. lately) to send NHS cash. Yet I'M the irresponsible fuck up who needs to get off my lazy ass and get a job. Whatever!

The IL's have still been somewhat pissy and refuse to help out at all but dh and I haven't given them a second thought and have just been coming up with ways to do for ourselves. It's actually turned out kind of nice because it's brought dh and I closer and helped up be more resourceful. We're rather proud of what we've accomplished as of late. As for the IL's, we've just been keeping a bit of distance and leaving them to their crankiness. LOL

Still no word from NSM and NF which is just FINE by me. I'm curious as to whether or not we'll hear anything with Christmas coming up soon. They chose to ignore dh's and my anniversary in September as well as dh's birthday so it's possible we'll continue to hear nothing for Christmas. They may send ds something but, then again, they may choose to ignore him too. (Anything to get out of spending their precious money, don't you know.) Guess only time will tell, though I'm rather hoping the holiday passes without hearing from them. Who needs more of their over-the-top religious cards filled with intended guilt-trips like "We miss you."? Bah-humbug!

Hope you are all doing well. I'm hoping to be able to post more now that the house is on the market and I have a bit more time so, with luck, hopefully I'll have something more to post soon!

Warmly,

DA xoxo

What the hell?? Freaking out a bit...

Got this in my email inbox earlier today:

Blogger has been notified, according to the terms of the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA), that certain content in your blog is alleged to infringe upon the copyrights of others. As a result, we have reset the post(s) to \"draft\" status. (If we did not do so, we would be subject to a claim of copyright infringement, regardless of its merits. The URL(s) of the allegedly infringing post(s) may be found at the end of this message.) This means your post - and any images, links or other content - is not gone. You may edit the post to remove the offending content and republish, at which point the post in question will be visible to your readers again.

A bit of background: the DMCA is a United States copyright law that provides guidelines for online service provider liability in case of copyright infringement. If you believe you have the rights to post the content at issue here, you can file a counter-claim. For more information on our DMCA policy, including how to file a counter-claim, please see http://www.google.com/dmca.html.

The notice that we received, with any personally identifying information removed, will be posted online by a service called Chilling Effects at http://www.chillingeffects.org
. We do this in accordance with the Digital Millennium Copyright Act (DMCA). You can search for the DMCA notice associated with the removal of your content by going to the Chilling Effects search page at http://www.chillingeffects.org/search.cgi, and entering in the URL of the blog post that was removed.

If it is brought to our attention that you have republished the post without removing the content/link in question, then we will delete your post and count it as a violation on your account. Repeated violations to our Terms of Service may result in further remedial action taken against your Blogger account including deleting your blog and/or terminating your account. If you have legal questions about this notification, you should retain your own legal counsel.

Sincerely,

The Blogger Team

The post they are referring to was a post titled "What Makes A Relationship Healthy?" that I had posted on here a little over a year ago now. There are a couple things that don't sit right with me:

1.) I don't feel I did anything wrong, or at least nothing I haven't seen dozens of other blog writers do a bunch of times. I quoted a few snippets from an online article - only what I needed to get my point across - and made sure to give full credit to the author/source, including giving a link to the article online for those who wished to read the full article. As a "small potatoes" blog writer, you wouldn't think anyone would care about the couple dozen people reading the quoted snippets, particularly since I'm hardly getting any money from the post.

2.) I find it rather hard to believe that the original author/source of the online article just happened to stumble upon my puny blog and take such great offense at the few snippets I quoted.

It seems far MORE likely to me that someone - for some reason I feel in my gut this was NHS - filed the report either to cause trouble for me or because they didn't like what I'd said about them in the article.

According to Blogger, only someone with rights to the content can file a DMCA report but how exactly do they go about this? Does this mean that Blogger takes the time to investigate EVERY SINGLE REPORT filed to make sure the person making the accusation has the right to do so? Nothing against Blogger - they may well do just that - but I'm thinking it much more likely that they just ask, "Do you have ownership of this content and/or the right to claim it?" and if that person says, "Yep." that's good enough and considered "proof".

I clicked on the links provided to me but haven't been able to find anything at all regarding the claim, most important, who the hell filed it. Everything so far has come up "No Match Found", which is another thing I find curious.

I decided to delete the "used-to-be-post-now-draft" so as not to get into any further trouble. I kind of wish I hadn't done that now as it might be useful to be able to go back and re-read the post but, at the time, I saw no way to edit it in order to comply with the DMCA complaint and was afraid that, even saved as a draft, it might somehow show up on my blog and get me into more trouble.

What really freaks me out is that, according to what I've read online - what little I've been able to understand - the fact that this DMCA report was filed against me now means I have a "strike" against me. This "strike" is permanent and will now follow me everywhere I go online.

I'm so angry about this! If someone on here was upset by something, why didn't they just contact me via email like a mature adult and give me the chance to remove or edit the content first before taking (what I see as) such extreme measures and filing a DMCA report against me?

I tell you, if I find out that NHS or anyone else in my NFOO - if I had to bet money, it'd be on NHS and/or NBIL as I KNOW they were the ones who reported me to Facebook about two years ago and got me banned for supposed "harassment" (for daring to say "hi" to NBIL's sister) - I am going to get a lawyer and sue the ever-loving SHIT out of them until they have NOTHING left, mark my word.

The Power of Words...

Am still SUPER busy right now painting, packing, cleaning, etc. but I wanted to take the time to let you all know about an amazing post I read earlier over at One Angry Daughter about the power of our words and their potential effects on other people. Head on over and check it out. I think you all will appreciate it as much as I did.

DA xx

Just wanted to let you all know...

We are in the process of trying to ready our house for sale so we can put it on the market as soon as possible. This is in large part due to financial reasons (mainly due to dh's employer who, in the past three years, have cut out insurance coverage, cut overtime AND haven't given dh a raise in over five years, meanwhile the cost of living has continued to go up) but also because we feel it's just time to move on from this house. We've found a lovely older home the next town over that is exactly what we've always wanted and are really hoping we can get it. At any rate, as I will be super busy for the next couple months, I don't know how many posts I'll be able to make and I just wanted to let you all know that I haven't forgotten about you!

Aside from trying to spruce up the house and declutter and pack, things are going pretty well at the moment. NM has actually been pretty nice and, dare I say, supportive lately. I contacted my aunt N thinking surely she must have said something to NM that had an effect on NM's behavior. Imagine my surprise to find that aunt N hadn't spoke with NM in a while, nor had my GM or anyone else. Maybe NM decided to try a new tactic?

No worries. I'm not going to just jump back into a relationship with NM because she's being nice all of a sudden. I've heard enough horror stories to know that it won't last, and/or may be just another trick. But it IS nice to have a break from the criticism and negativity for a bit.

In case anyone's wondering, I had sent NM an email a couple weeks ago saying that I needed some space right now to focus on myself. To be honest, I had expected NM to respond very critically and just go quickly downhill from there. It was nice to have NM respond with what amounted to, "Whatever you need. When you're ready to contact me again, you know where to find me." NM HAS had a few rare moments where she acts like a normal, loving mother. Like the time I was passing that kidney stone and in so much pain. NM was so nice and supportive to me those two days. It felt wonderful. Though, when it was over, it hurt to lose that brief moment of what I'd been dreaming about most of my life. At any rate, perhaps this is one of those rare moments.

I'll still check in regularly to approve any comments made and will post if/when anything happens worth posting about. Take care!

Until then, 

DA

Had to share...

Am currently reading the book "HOMECOMING: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw. I'm about a quarter of the way through so far and, I have to say, this is turning out to be a REALLY good book.

I came upon a poem last night as I was reading that blew me away. Never before have I come across something that so accurately puts into words all that goes on in the mind and spirit of those of us who've grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional family. To me, it was like someone had looked into my soul and expressed in words what they found there. Anyways, I wanted to share it here with all of you now.

**NOTE: Some may find the poem triggering. Also, be aware that the poem contains some very offensive language in a couple parts.**

My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception

In the epinephrine of your mother's shame

You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb

I came upon you before you could speak

Before you understood

Before you had any way of knowing

I came upon you when you were learning to walk

When you were unprotected and exposed

When you were vulnerable and needy

Before you had any boundaries

I came upon you when you were magical

Before you could know I was there

I severed your soul

I pierced you to the core

I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective

I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt,

    worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness

I made you feel different

I told you there was something wrong with you

I soiled your Godlikeness

I existed before conscience

Before guilt

Before morality

I am the master emotion

I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation

I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any

    mental preparation

I live in secrecy

In the deep moist banks of darkness

    depression and despair

Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through

    the back door

Uninvited unwanted

The first to arrive

I was there at the beginning of time

With Father Adam, Mother Eve

Brother Cain

I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse

    neglect -- perfectionistic systems

I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage

The cruel remarks of siblings

The jeering humiliation of other children

The awkward reflection in the mirrors

The touch that feels icky and frightening

The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust

I am intensified by

A racist, sexist culture

The righteous condemnation of religious bigots

The fears and pressures of schooling

The hypocrisy of politicians

The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional

    family systems

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person,

a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into

A bitch, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, 

a selfish little bastard

I bring a pain that is chronic

A pain that will not go away

I am the hunter that stalks you night and day

Every day everywhere

I have no boundaries

You try to hide from me

But you cannot

Because I live inside of you

I make you feel hopeless

Like there is no way out

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others

    through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,

    envy, judgment, power and rage.

My pain is so intense

You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,

    and unconscious ego defenses.

My pain is so intense

That you must numb out and no longer feel me.

I convinced you that I am gone -- that I do not exist -- you

    experience absence and emptiness.

I am the core of co-dependency

I am spiritual bankruptcy

The logic of absurdity

The repetition compulsion

I am crime, violence, incest, rape

I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions

I am insatiability and lust

I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,

    Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer, Goethe's

    Faust

I twist who you are into what you do and have

I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME.

Strange thing happened the other night...

During yet another night of horrible, nightmare-laden sleep, I woke up and - for whatever reason - a memory popped into my head. I think I've mentioned it on here before somewhere but, for those new here (and for those who don't want to have to sort through all the existing posts to find it!), I'll tell the story again.

**NOTE: This will contain some offensive words as well as some details that some may find triggering. Please, consider yourself forewarned before you proceed.**

I was in my senior year of high school at the time so that would make me 16 years old. Like most of my friends at the time, I was really into the whole hip hop/rap/pop type music that was popular. NHS and I were listening to some of our cd's as we got ready for school like we often did. As I was on my way to the back bathroom to finish getting ready, I passed by the hall bath which was NSJ's bathroom. He yelled at me to "turn that nigger shit off". I immediately turned to comply and said - quite politely, I felt - that all he had to do was ask as well as making a comment that everyone had their own preference of what they liked and NHS and I happened to like that kind of music. I wasn't rude or being a smart-ass, just making a factual statement.

I turned the music way down and then proceeded toward the back bathroom again, thinking the issue was settled. I had no sooner begun to wet my hair in the tub when I felt my head being yanked back forcefully by my hair. My head was yanked back so quickly that my skull cracked on the faucet. Despite the water clouding my vision, I could see it was NSJ though, if there'd been any doubt, this screaming in rage at me would have made it instantly clear who my attacker was.

NSJ screamed curses and insults at me, calling me a "bitch" and the "c" word (rhymes with "runt") as well as a "nigger lover" and how DARE I insult him and be a smart ass little bitch, etc. As he screamed at me, he would pick me up, slap me hard across the face, shake me, throw me to the floor and kick me in my rib area. The entire thing was like a dream sequence in slow motion. I just couldn't believe it was happening.

I remember looking up at one point to see my NHS standing there in the adjoining room's doorway, just staring blankly at what was going on between her father and I.

As quickly as the attack had begun, it was over and NSJ went back to his bathroom and finished getting ready for work. Terrified and confused, I remained in the back bathroom until I was sure NSJ had left and then I hurriedly finished getting ready and ran out to the bus stop to go to school. After I got to school, I remember going to the bathroom and looking at my side and finding bruises all up and down my right side. Despite the hard slaps to my face and other parts of my body, the bruises on my side were the only marks left on me.

At one point in the day, I can't remember what prompted it but I showed the bruises to a couple of my closest friends. Years later, I would be very glad I did.

When I got home from school that day, I attempted to tell NM what had happened though, looking back, I don't see how she couldn't have heard or witnessed it for herself. The house was small and noise carried well due to the plaster walls so I find it very hard to believe NM heard and saw nothing. When I'd finished telling NM my story, she looked at me blank-faced and said coldly, "I have no idea where you got those bruises, probably did it to yourself for attention, but I DO know that NSJ didn't do it." Ever NM's little sidekick, NHS claimed she hadn't seen a thing and that I was lying which only served to further the belief in NM's mind that NSJ wasn't at fault.

I remember thinking at the time very distinctly that I couldn't count on my NM or NHS and I was all alone in life. I also felt extremely hurt and betrayed by both NM and NHS, all the more since I'd often come to their defense and done what I could to protect them when they'd been the target of NSJ's rages. This was especially true of NM since NHS rarely got in trouble with NSJ.

For years later - and it continues to this day were I to bring it up - NM and NHS insist that the event never happened, that I'm making it up and it's just evidence of my mental issues, etc. It got to the point that I began to believe maybe I really was crazy and had made it up. Then, a year or so ago, I got back in contact with an old friend from high school who just happened to be one of the friends I'd shown the bruises to that horrible day. I asked her if she remembered anything like that happening and apologized for the uncomfortable discussion and was extremely elated to see her respond that yes, she remembered it well and how worried she and her then boyfriend ( as well as the other couple girls there that day) were about me. At that point, I just cried and cried and cried. I was so relieved to have it confirmed that I hadn't imagined it, it had happened and I wasn't lying.

So anyways, I'm lying awake in bed at about 3 or 4am the other night and this memory of this event pops into my mind. As I'm remembering it, a voice in my head startled me by saying, "It never happened." Immediately, another voice spoke up and said, "Yes it did. Remember your friend on Facebook who said she remembered seeing the bruises?"

The strangest part of the whole memory is that while I remember fairly clearly what went on that day, it's like it didn't happen to me. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, put myself back in that day and relive it in my mind. It's kind of like having a memory but having no memory of the event, if that makes any sense. It's just very, very strange. My best guess is that my mind is trying to protect itself from fully remembering at this point and that, when it's safe to fully remember, I will.

I think of the teenage me and all that I was forced to suffer and endure - especially this day which is the worst physical beating I ever got from NSJ - and I am just so damned angry. More than just angry, I feel rage. I want to take a baseball bat and beat the ever-loving shit out of NSJ. Let him know what it feels like. And yet....the saddest thing of all is that he DOES know what it feels like because his father used to beat the crap out of him daily when he was a young boy. I just cannot fathom for the life of me doing to my child (or in NSJ's case, my step-child) what was done to me, to continue the cycle of abuse. It's bad enough to do it at all but to do it when you know that kind of pain intimately yourself just makes it so much worse in my mind.

I thank God that my ds will never know that pain. That he'll never know what it's like to be demeaned or beaten or made to feel less than human. To feel unloved and worthless and like a burden. To have his spirit crushed. I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to fight and keep on fighting to heal my own issues so that I can be a better mother to my son.

Feeling hurt and betrayed yet again...

Was talking with my aunt N yesterday via email and inquired if my GM was okay. I was mildly concerned as I hadn't heard from her in quite some time and she would usually email me every couple weeks or so. I'd seen her on FB here and there so I knew she was still alive and well. I just wondered why I hadn't heard from her. The last time we'd chatted via email was back when I'd first received my diagnosis of PTSD. I'd emailed her to say hello and casually mentioned near the end of the email about the new diagnosis and jokingly said that obviously things weren't quite so rosy growing up as NM and NHS would like everyone to think. When I didn't hear anything in response from my GM, I figured she was pissed that I'd made the comment about NM and was going to give me the silent treatment temporarily or whatever. (Though with GM it's always less of an intentional silent treatment than it is that she withdraws rather than just come out and say some one's upset her.)


So while chatting with my aunt N back and forth yesterday via email, I inquired how GM was doing, if aunt N had heard from her, etc. and mentioned my suspicions that GM might be upset regarding the PTSD comments. Aunt N responded that GM apparently feels I'm lying about having PTSD because, in her words, it's "just not possible" given that "only men in war zones get that". Aunt N, ever ready to defend me, told GM that wasn't true and that perhaps GM should google PTSD and she'd find out that anyone who's suffered a major trauma can get it.


Apparently there was some talk after that with aunt N telling GM that she does NM no good service by constantly enabling her, GM worrying that she was a "bad mother" because NM turned out the way she did, aunt N reassuring GM that she did the best she could and was a good mother and that NM's problems are either a result of her own choices and actions and/or just fate that she has the issues she does. GM grew increasingly frustrated (as she doesn't like anyone saying anything wrong about NM) and finally said, with regards to me, that "some people just need to get over it already and put it in the past where it belongs", or something along those lines.


When aunt N continued to stand up for me and place the blame on NM, GM defended NM by saying that NM was very sick and almost died as a child, blah blah. (Poor NM. Let's never hold her responsible for her bad behavior because she almost died as a child and therefore deserves a lifetime get out of responsibility free card. *rolling eyes*) Aunt N, ever quick on her toes, then said to GM, "So which is it mom? Does stuff that happens as a child affect the person as an adult or doesn't it? Why should it be a valid excuse for (NM's name) but not for DA?" At that point GM grumbled under her breath but agreed to butt out and not badmouth me with NM. I don't believe for a second she'll adhere to that promise but, whatever.


I'm torn in how I feel about finding this out. On the one hand, I'm really, really angry. Why in the hell is it always so easy to find fault with ME while everyone else seems to get a free pass? On the other hand, it hurts to once again be the fall guy and be accused of lying. Like I'm just some hateful little spoiled brat who gets her jollies out of badmouthing my poor, innocent "almost died as a child" mother. Like admitting to having mental/emotional issues is easy or fun or something to brag about. Are they kidding me??


And, honestly, the next person who says to me, "Just put it out of your mind and get over it already." is going to get a punch in the face. Seriously. I am beyond sick of this worthless "advice". Honestly, if it was that freaking easy, do they not think I'd have DONE that by now? Yes, like I just ENJOY living like this every day. Like I enjoy missing out on family events with my dh and ds because of my agoraphobia. Like I enjoy having to tell my son all the time, "No. I'm sorry baby but mommy can't go to the park today because her tummy hurts." Do they honestly believe I LIKE to live in this hell every day of my life??!! And, if not, then how DARE they just dismiss me by telling me to just "get over it already"!


I'm so sick of being this family's scapegoat.

Another amazing post from my DoNM sister....

This time she writes:


So, the big aha moment for me is realising this whole journey and experience is about love.

The betrayal by NM and others is their refusal or inability to love us and also to receive our love. When they reject our love it is a rejection of our self and that is all we are and all we have. No wonder it hurts so much. Our core is wounded by the rejection and refusal.

The abuse we experienced was an abuse of our love and support. What a betrayal!

NMs fail in their duty as mothers and parents and their manipulations and projections are designed to hide this truth from us and others and maintain control of our emotions so they can continue to drain the love (LIFE) out of us. They are willing to sacrifice us to save themselves.

Our struggle with the idea of NC is that it means we have to make a decision to withold/stop giving and showing our love to them and this feels wrong to a healthy loving adult. We know subconsciously that we are being forced to respond in a way that is not in line with our integrity or wish to give and receive love. Nevertheless it is a decision we are compelled to make unless we ultimately decide to continue to sacrifice our lives to "save" them. The vampiric mother is draining our love which is our life blood and this weakens us.

To remain in contact with an NM means you will be drained of love. Even if you have your own sources of healthy love such as a loving partner, family of your own and friends you will forced to use that love energy to feed the insatiable appetite of the NM instead of using it to support yourself and to build reserves for lifes struggles!

Until I started recovery I had struggled all my life in relationships continually choosing people who are either unwilling or unable to give love. Some even faked it enough to reel me and then start the abuse. Sometimes those people used love as a bait and then a weapon. I took it on as some kind of challenge thinking if I can win their love I will find the missing key that will unlock the love from NM.

This also extended to choosing careers that I didnt love and had to struggle to fight my real feelings to be successful. No wonder I became drained and exhausted.

How do you know what to look for when you dont know what love feels like and only have an unhealthy (internal) model of love to compare it with?:

I was betraying myself. I was not shown love by NM and therefore, had no internal model for how to love myself. I only knew how to neglect, ignore, discount, undermine and abuse myself. That is the real reason I have attracted negative people and situations where I struggled into my life.

The more I experienced rejection of love and betrayal the more I turned away from love and the fear of wanting it and reaching out for it grew. What a muddle! Do I reach for the carrot and risk getting whacked by the stick? Or do I pretend I dont like carrots?

To live without the love of humans is excruciating. Thank heavens I have experienced unconditional love from my pets because at least I know what it feels like.

Love is a choice and having denied myself opportunities for real and healthy and lasting love I want to ensure I do not waste the rest of my life. How sad that it has taken 50 years! No wonder so much of my recovery has been grief work - mourning all the losses!

I choose to love myself in a healthy non Narc way and I will not give up the notion that there are people out there who will love me for who I am and not what they want me to be/do. Instead of searching desperately for loving people I will relax and let them find me. Just as my recovery lead to me this forum and a wonderful and precious group of ladies who really do feel like family to me.

Finding this information has been like exorcising ghosts from my house. I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted and that my life really will be different from now on.

I hope in sharing my findings and thoughts other DOMNs will experience moments of revelation that will truly set them free from the torment of having an NM.

Continuous betrayal makes a relationship with NM impossible...

This was recently posted by one of my sisters on the DoNM board and I found it very profound and asked her if I could share it here with all of you. She said I could so...here it is!

A thought just occured to me...

As DOMNs we have experienced an ongoing pattern of betrayal and this makes it impossible to have a relationshp with an NM. Our trust is continually betrayed and there is no mutuality or shared responsibility or admission of mistakes.

In childhood we needed predictability in the care we received and NMs and FOO proved over and over that they could not be trusted. As children we blamed ourselves to create some sense of safety but it is like living a lie. The emperor was naked, if it sqawks like a duck and walks like a duck then it must be a duck. They are not ugly ducklings waiting to emerge as a swan.

They showed us time and again who they really were/are and we had to deny reality to survive. As adults we have a choice. I no longer want to fool myself that she can be trusted or that it is possible to have a relationship with her or any FOO.

It set the tone for relationships as we emerged into adulthood and shaped our view of ourselves and the world as being unpredictable and unreliable.

Is it any wonder we experience such torment when we lived for years under an oppressive dictatorship?
It's time to free ourselves from the lies and pull back the curtain to reveal the true ugliness of their characters. We must stop covering their crimes and abuse otherwise we continue to condone their treatment of us and others. It has to stop. We have to start reflecting back the truth to them and stop distorting the mirror. We are the only ones harmed by acceptance of such abuse.


She also made a follow up post which reads:

The core wound is really that they taught us to betray ourselves by denying the truth!

Talk about compromising my integrity and quality of my relationships and life!

No wonder I felt so uneasy in the presence of NM and the others who I knew in my heart were untrustworthy but who I believed were important to be in contact with because of a fear of being abandoned.

I think I may have reached the centre of my earth in terms of healing and recovery. I can finally name the core wound that created all the other hurts. I can name it, shame it, allocate it, see the impact of it, be disgusted by it, appreciate the how and why I kept creating similar situations that lead to betrayal and finally set myself free from the long shadow and devastation it has caused in my life. Any remaining guilt or shame resulting from decision to go NC with NM and FOO has melted away as I can stand in power and reclaim my life energy from the depths of evil.

I hope this helps you all as much as it helped me to read it earlier today.

Hugs,

DA xx

In remembrance...

In remembrance of all those affected by the tragedy of 9/11/01. 
God Bless America!

Been a crazy week so far...

It started off good. Monday was of course a holiday which meant that dh and ds were out of work and school, so we spent the day at home, lounging around and just having some great family time.

Tuesday, I started a new babysitting job and so began my troubles. The child was a 2 1/2 year old little boy who I'll call "P". P is the son of a younger gal dh works with. Dh works alongside her dad which is how he knows of her. Apparently the gal is going through a nasty divorce and having some bad financial problems at the moment. Being the nice person I am, I agreed to help her out and babysit for the very low price of only $85 a week.

So, Tuesday morning at 7am, this gal shows up with P. P was pretty good considering it was his first time in a new place with a strange lady to babysit him.....at least for the first hour and a half. After that, it was like the demon switch when on and everything rapidly went downhill from there. Now, I know that 2 1/2 year old, by nature, aren't going to be the best behaved because they are, after all, still babies and learning but it was VERY clear to me that this kid has ZERO discipline at home. When his cartoon he'd been watching went off and I pulled up the on screen guide to see what was on next, he began screaming at the top of his lungs, "NO! NO! Me no want that!" until I turned the guide back off. The way our cable works, several channels have a "start over" feature that will automatically pop up five minutes after the show starts. Every time THAT would show on the screen, again P would start with the screaming.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the kid hits, bites, kicks and just all around generally behaves horribly, particularly come time to change his diaper. Considering the kid isn't potty trained AT ALL (despite the fact that ds was a late bloomer in this area, even he was at least partially potty trained by this point) that meant changing a LOT of diapers. At one point, I was changing a "#2" diaper and, of course, the kid is screaming that he wants up and thrashing all over the place. During one particularly wild thrash, the poop laden diaper started to flip and, instinctively, I threw my hand down to stop it. The diaper WAS folded over at that point so my hand WOULD have touched only diaper, not poop. Unfortunately, P's thrashing movements also caused the diaper to unroll so, yes, my hand landed smack dab in the poop. It was at this point that I am sad to say I lost it a bit and threatened to give him a spanking if he didn't stop screaming and HOLD STILL. I think he must have been shocked that I stood up to him because he actually stopped screaming and thrashing around long enough for me to finish cleaning him up and redress him.

But wait, there's more! The kid had chronic gas. Every few minutes, I swear, this kid was farting. You couldn't get within 10 feet of him without it smelling like he'd crapped himself. And EVERYTHING seemed to go into his mouth. The second he left for the day, I frantically soaked all the toys I could in a water/bleach solution and used Clorox wipes on everything else. Suffice it to say, come pick up time at 5:30pm that day, I was not only exhausted but VERY happy to see P going home! (It was also VERY apparent that three times the amount of $85 I was getting per week to watch this kid wasn't near enough for all I had to put up with.)

Forward to Wednesday morning - yesterday. I woke up feeling sick because I so badly did NOT want to have to watch P again. EVER. I seriously contemplated calling and telling his mother right then and there that unless she upped my fee to $200 a week, she needn't bring him back. I was that fed up. But, I put on my big girl panties (because we SO need the extra money right now) and sucked it up. 7am, P was back and so began another day of babysitting hell.

As the previous day, P was well behaved for the first hour and a half or so. He rode fine in the car to drop ds off at school. On Tuesday, I had had to carry P with me as I walked ds into school. Yesterday however, we were a couple minutes behind (because P HAD to take some stuff with him in the car, it was that or endure another of his screaming tantrums and I already had a slight headache at that point) and wound up getting stuck behind the buses in the drop off lane. Because I couldn't move the car and because I couldn't park it there due to it being the bus/drop off lane, ds had to walk into school for the first time all alone. I hugged him goodbye and told him to have a good day and I'd see him at 3pm but I was barely back in the car before I lost it. I just began sobbing. I wasn't quite sure what all that was about at first, I guessed it was just the stress of having to keep P again and not being able to be there for ds like I wanted to. Last night in therapy, my T pointed out that she thought perhaps I was crying for little DA since my NM never walked me into school when I was growing up and I was reliving that pain. Seemed to make sense.

Anyway, we got to be on our way just a few minutes later but I continued to cry and sob the entire way home and for about an hour afterward and then several times off and on throughout the next few hours. I was finally starting to calm down when P took an entire bin of small toys and dumped in on the floor quite aggressively. (Which is another thing about the kid, he was SO aggressive with his play, always trying to force this thing into here or throwing stuff hard, hitting it, etc.) I told him firmly but nicely to please pick that stuff up and put it back into the bin. Of course, P said, "NO! P no want pick up stuff!" (Another oddity - he was always referring to himself in the third person, "P no like this!", "P want that!", etc.) I pushed him and said, "P, you need to pick that stuff up please." and of course he continue to scream he didn't want to. After a couple minutes of me getting a bit firmer and him continuing to fight me, he actually grabbed a play teapot and threw it at me! Nailed me in the head which made my already borderline migraine launch into a full blown migraine. At that point, I was DONE.

I called up P's mom at work and told her I wasn't feeling good, that I had a horrible migraine that was making me extremely nauseous (which wasn't entirely untrue at that point) and told her she had to come get him please. She asked if she could wait another 20 minutes until her lunch break and I said fine, against my better judgement. She also told me to go ahead and pack up all of P's stuff that she'd brought over for him (she'd brought over an entire case of diapers and wipes along with a huge supply of food because, in her own words, she "can't be bothered dragging that stuff all over the place all the time") because she was going to put him back with his previous sitter. Had I not wanted to be rid of the kid and his tantrums and other awful behavior so badly, I'd have been pissed. As it was, I was thanking my lucky stars that he wasn't my problem anymore!

His mom showed up to collect P and his crap. I apologized (trying to be the bigger person) for having had to call her at work and that it obviously hadn't worked out having P here at my house) to which she replied it was no big deal and that there were no hard feelings or anything and said she'd give my money to dh by next Monday or Tuesday at the latest. I said that would be fine and off they went.

Forward to today. Dh calls and says that the gal paid him the money she owed me.............well, supposedly. She gave dh $20 for 16 hours worth of babysitting work on my part, not to mention the absolute hell I had to put up with, though neither of us mentioned that. It was bad enough when she was wanting to pay me a piddly $2/hour (when, as I understand it, the going rate starts at $5 per hour for babysitting duties) to watch her kid but this was just downright insulting. She paid me barely over $1 per hour!!!!

Dh was, understandably, livid on my behalf but said he's going to let it slide ONLY because he is friends with her father and has to work with him as well as the girl and doesn't want any issues at work right now. If it wasn't for the fact that dh works with her, I'd be giving the bitch a major piece of my mind, I tell you what! To add insult to injury, she had comments all over Facebook yesterday and today about how she had such a bad day yesterday and how she and P are both SO happy that he's once again back with his old sitter. I do the girl a major favor, take her kid into my home on short notice (one day's notice, to be exact), put up with his horrid behavior which included both me and my ds being hit by this kid, went out of my way to get ds' old carseat to put in my car so that he could be safe (his M said to just put him in a regular seatbelt with no carseat!) AND agreed to do it all for a piddly $85 a week and THIS is how she repays my kindness??! Well FUCK HER. She'd better NEVER ask me or dh for another favor ever.

On a happier note, I had an awesome therapy session last night. Dh went with me on this one as he had some questions about how to be supportive and what else he should be doing to help me, if anything. For the first time, I broke down and cried at a couple points which resulted in touching on some really deep issues. I'm not exactly sure WHAT we accomplished but I feel strongly that we accomplished quite a bit last night. As a result, I'm feeling very hopeful today. Between that and the fact that I didn't have to have P again today (or any other day from here on out, thank the Lord), today was an almost perfect day. I say almost perfect because my migraine came back again but, thankfully, the two Motrin I took seem to have knocked it out, though I have some remaining, slight sinus pressure.

I have to say, it has bothered me a great deal that I had/have such a strong dislike for P. He is, after all, only a baby and it really isn't his fault that he is the way he is. Clearly his mom and her bf don't take the time to discipline him properly. Hell, she even admitted as she left the first day that she didn't have time to be bothered with him acting up when she got home because she was tired after a long day's work and just wanted to relax but couldn't because she had to take care of him. I felt like a bad person because, instead of feeling sorry for P and having compassion like I felt I ought to, I felt only disgust and repulsion. I would never neglect any child in my care, regardless of how I felt about them, and P was certainly no different. I treated him the same as I did/do ds in regard to feeding him, keeping him safe, keeping his diapers clean and dry, etc. Still, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't with some effort that I was able to do those things for P. Thank goodness for my dh and T, both of whom said to me that I did nothing wrong and that it was natural to feel that way for a child who was so out of control and badly behaved, that I would only be in the wrong had I neglected or abused him in any way, neither of which I did. Made me feel a little better but there's still some remaining guilt in there.

Still no word from NM. Guess she's chosen to actually respect my wishes for once and not to contact me until I contact her. I'd been putting off taking any action where NM is concerned until I spoke with my T. Now that I've had another session with my T, she confirmed what I'd already been thinking - that, at least at this time, having contact with NM is not in my best interests and will only do more harm than good. She said there may come a time when I can handle it should I choose to but that time is not right now. That was when the grief started up again. I don't know why it should be so hard to let go, especially when I've already done this once before but, as my T said, it takes as long as it takes and some people need to grieve multiple times before it's all purged and they are ready to move on.

Hope you are all doing well. Also wanted to take the time to thank all of you so much for following my little blog and posting your various comments. It's nice to know that there are people out there who not only care about what I have to say but who I've also helped on occasion by baring my soul and putting all this out there. So thanks! :o)

DA