Email from GM earlier today...

Logged on to check my email earlier and found this in my inbox from GM:

Good Morning DA, Where in blue blazes are you? have you left town or have you disowned me? I've waited and waited but haven't heard a word. I'd really love to hear from you. I think a lot about you and would like to hear how ds is doing. Soooo, if you feel like it drop me a couple of lines. Love you

Now, as I've stated before, I've been here the entire time. I haven't gone anywhere, my address and phone number and email address are all still the same at they were 11 months ago. If anyone wanted to contact me, they know how to find me.

I find it funny that she would accuse me of disowning her when I'm the one that's been sending emails and cards and getting no response. I'm also the one who received no birthday card this year from her for the first time in my life. So accusing me of disowning them is projection to be sure as it is all of them who have disowned me.

At any rate, I decided to respond and lay it all out there. This is my response:

Hey!

Silly grandma, I'm right here where I've always been! And no, I haven't disowned anyone. Rather, it feels like it's everyone else who has disowned me. I've tried emailing several people but no one ever responds anymore so I took the hint and quit trying.

Yes, I realize that I unfriended everyone on Facebook and, looking back, perhaps I should have explained myself at that time. But, then, hindsight is always 20/20, isn't it? At any rate, to sum it up in as short a way as I can, it was a very bad time for me given that I'd just lost mom from my life. I thought, perhaps foolishly, that my relationship with mom would have no bearing on my relationships with all of you. Yes, I figured some would disagree with my decision and/or not understand my reasons but I never expected to be ostracized the way I have. And then the passive-aggressive comments on Facebook started, comments about the importance of family and forgiveness, etc. Since I'm obviously not stupid, it was clear they were directed at me given what was going on with mom and I and it hurt and upset me a great deal. It felt like when I needed my family's support the most, it wasn't there. And the way I deal with the pain of rejection is to withdraw which was why I unfriended everyone. It's something I'm working on finding healthier ways to cope. Basically, at that time, I was just so raw emotionally and so tired of being hurt and rejected that I just couldn't take anything more.

Since then however, I did try emailing many of you and/or sent out e-cards for birthdays and whatnot and all of them went unanswered. Then you asked for the gown back and I took that to mean that I wasn't family anymore which was also very hurtful to me. So, not being a glutton for punishment, I stopped trying to contact anyone (with the sole exception of aunt N) and focused on rebuilding my own life and healing from my past pain. It's taken much hard work and a lot of time but, as I'm sure you've heard from aunt N, I've come a very long way and have made much progress. For the first time in my life, I feel truly happy and blessed to be alive. I'm actually LIVING life instead of just existing day to day. Of course it pains me greatly that all this has come about due to the loss of mom from my life but what more can I do?

I truly did try so so hard to make things work with mom. I talked till I was blue in the face, I wrote letters and emails in which I poured my very soul out to her, desperately trying to be good enough for her and make things work between us...I even took her into therapy with me on my dime as insurance wouldn't cover her going with me. However, dh and I felt it was worth it and necessary so we agreed to take on that debt. Over 8 years I tried anything and everything I knew to do and then some but nothing I did was ever enough. Always it is me, me, me who has all the problems, who is flawed and needs to change or make amends while mom, N stepjerk and NHS are without fault. Nothing about me is or has ever been good enough for mom, NSJ and NHS. Not saying I'm perfect by any means. Lord knows I've made my fair share of mistakes and have regrets but I'm NOT the horrible, awful, lying, stealing, "severely mentally disturbed" person that they make me out to be.

At any rate, enough about that. I don't want to badmouth anyone. I love mom and will always love her and I wish her well but I simply cannot allow her (and NSJ and NHS's) toxicity to affect my life anymore. I was constantly stressed, tired, cranky and feeling ill when I was around them. They were always hurting me and so I'd withdraw and that would make me angry that I couldn't speak up for myself more and that they continued to treat me the way they did. And because I was cranky and tired and angry and hurting, I was less patient and that overflowed onto dh and ds who did not deserve it. In the past 11 months, I have improved considerably emotionally as well as physically and my relationships with dh and ds more than I ever could have imagined. Dh and I, it's like we've fallen in love all over again. And ds, ds has blossomed beyond my wildest imaginations. He's a happy, healthy 4 1/2 year old and he absolutely LOVES his preschool. His teachers say he's doing VERY well and is easily one of their favorite students, if not their most favorite. Best of all though is that ds' relationship with me has improved. I'm a better mother now that all that stress is gone from my life and, in turn, ds is free to be a happy little boy.

All that being said, I'm very happy to hear from you and I hope we can continue to chat via email like we used to. I've missed talking with you and everyone else. I'd very much like to have a good relationship with all of you and leave my issues with mom out of it. After all, that stuff is between mom and I and you all shouldn't have been brought into it anyhow. I mean, I'm glad you all have been there to support mom and all as I think mom needs that. I have my friends and my sister L and dh's family for support. All mom has is NSJ and NHS who are about as helpful as a raging case of herpes. All the same, I feel bad that so many of you have been dragged into it by her and put in the middle.

Anyhoo, we recently got some school pics of ds. I have some set aside to send to you, I've just been lazy about getting all of them sent out to everyone. I'll try to get them out soon. If I can find them.....

Oh, before I go, how are you feeling? Is your knee doing a lot better? I hope so. A painful knee is just awful. A while back, I kept getting fluid under my kneecap and boy did it ever hurt!

Take care and I hope to hear from you again soon.

Love,

DA

Knowing my N FOO the way I do, I'm sure this email response has already begun circulating amongst all of them. It may even make it's way back to NM. I wasn't thinking about that when I sent it and now regret slightly that I responded in one regard but, in another, I'm glad I stayed true to myself and spoke my truth. Let them do with it what they will.

How to detect a smear campaign...

Happened upon this AMAZING post on the DoNM board today, written by Light and just had to share! Light writes:
 

There are a few handy ways to help detect a smear campaign:

1. Look for personal admittance of responsibilities or personal acknowledgment of any mistakes. Is the person only claiming to be a victim, or do they admit they may have done something to contribute to the matter?

2. Look for solid details. Does it contain hearsay such as, "Somebody told me"? and "Another person I know said that she did such and such to someone." Where is this person, and just exactly why can't you know who they are? Why isn't he telling you this himself?

3. Is the person at all trying to resolve the matter, with a genuine wanting to get things squared away, or is it just, "Victimhood, victimhood, victimhood," all the way home, and they won't be making any attempts to resolve because they're enjoying building up the dramatic attention?

4. Do things seem out of proportion? Maybe a tiny thing happened, and they're too angry. Or they say there were repeated wrongs, and yet, it doesn't appear they ever spoke to their boss, the police, etc. Supposedly, they just kept letting themselves be victimized over and over. But if you ask why, they'll say something self-serving, of course - they were trying to give the "abuser" lots of chances, because they're such a meek, kind soul...

In regard to my own NM, my answers would be:
 

1.  No. There has been ZERO personal acknowledgement of any mistakes or wrongdoing. In fact, my NM went so far as to state flat out that she bears NO responsibility whatsoever and that the only thing she's ever done wrong is allowing me to abuse and disrespect her! Since I went NC with her last January, it's been a steady stream of "woe is me" sob stories and claiming to have "no idea whatsoever" as to what she might have done to warrant my cutting her off and being so cruel to her. There is a total and complete denial of any wrongdoing at all.
 

2.  One of NM's favorite phrases is, "So and so says..." in regards to whatever wrong it is she's claiming I did. NHS is one of her favorite people to mention but since I've been NC with NHS for almost 2 years now, it's not like anything NM says can be verified. NM has also mentioned some "lady" at the local grocery check out, another "lady" at the doctor's office and my chiropractor as supposedly being in total agreement with NM's assessment of my character.
 

3.  As I said above in answer #1, NM has cried victim from the word 'go'. Not once in the past 11 months has she attempted to contact me in any way, including on my birthday which came and went without her acknowledgment. Of course, to hear NM tell it, I'M the one staying away from her and who is "keeping my ds from her". Funny, but I have yet to say to NM "Do not contact me. I wish nothing more to do with you." At NO point have I told her she can't see ds or have contact with him or any of us. In fact, at our last meeting in January, dh and I both told NM she could see ds as often as she wanted only she had to see him here at the house instead of taking him out by herself as she kept pressing for. Her response was, "You know what? I don't WANT to have to come here to see him and I shouldn't have to! I should be able to take him out WHERE I want, WHEN I want to!" SHE is the one who has chosen not to try and mend things between us and who hasn't reached out to me and my family, yet I'M supposedly the bad guy, the one wronging HER.
 

4.  Oh yeah, things are waaaaaaaaaaaay out of proportion with NM. A perfect example - it was recently brought to my attention that one of the main claims of NM and NHS is that I "lie" and "steal" as well as having "major mental problems". The truth? When pressed, NM says that I supposedly lied a lot as a teenager. (I'm now 34 years old for the record.) The stealing? Apparently I was always taking cookies and other food items out of her kitchen pantry. As to the mental problems, I do suffer from anxiety and panic attacks but, ironically, both have decreased dramatically since going NC with NM. Moreover however, I hardly think that anxiety and panic attacks qualifies as my having "major mental problems".
 

NM, NHS and N stepjerk all claim I "destroyed their lives" (LOL As I typed this just now, I wrote "destroyed their LIES". Freudian slip anyone?) Talk about being overly-dramatic. In truth, all I did...all I've EVER done is to bend over backward to accommodate them in the hopes that I would finally be good enough and worthy of their love and approval. Of course, if they're talking about the fact that I quit being their scapegoat, considering they all have decades invested in me as their scapegoat, I suppose my sudden refusal to continue performing my assigned task could be construed (at least from their dysfunctional perspective) as my having "destroyed their lives".
 

I hope you will follow the link and read the rest of the article by Light. I promise you won't be disappointed! It's very good stuff indeed!

OMG!! Seriously??!!

Called up my chiropractor's office earlier today to ask them to fax a document over to my dh's office so that he could send it in to get reimbursed our out-of-pocket expenses. Just as I'm getting ready to say goodbye and hang up, the girl says to me, "Oh. By the way (NM's name) says to say hello."

It was one of those almost surreal moments. The kind of moment you see in a movie where a person receives an anonymous call where the other person on the end says, "You have only 7 days left to live" or something like that. It was very cryptic and it left me feeling gut-punched and violated. One second I'm going about my business and asking for a document to be faxed and then - BOOM! - the bomb drops and there's this weird message from NM being delivered.

I paused, shocked, for a second and replied, "Wait. What? She actually told you specifically to say hello to me?", to which the girl replied, "Yes."

WTFH??! I didn't know whether to laugh hysterically at the absurdity of the situation or scream in anger at the sheer violation of it all. How DARE that bitch bring my doctor and his staff into this! How dare she!!!

I scoffed, thanked the girl for delivering the "message" - because, truly, she thought she was just being nice and doing her job, she has no idea the depths of NM's dysfunction - and then hung up.

Not so much as a single word from NM in nearly a year now. It will officially be 11 months of NC as of the 9th of December. No phone calls, no emails, no letters, no gifts or cards (save for a couple for ds) including nothing on my birthday this past summer and then now this cryptic "message" via my chiropractor. 

What the hell is this bitch trying to pull? Was it intended to let me know she won't be forgotten? Is she planning some larger contact soon to follow up? Or was it more of a cryptic message that she will not be so easily gotten rid of by me? Whatever the case, if she thinks it's going to cause me to "come to my senses" and come running back to her, she's even crazier than I think she is. This is precisely the reason I walked away in the first place, these sick, dysfunctional games she's always playing. It's also the reason why I'll be staying away for good.

Anyways, after feeling upset by this for about an hour, I finally decided to nip it in the bud. I called up and casually left a message for my chiro to call me back at his convenience. Being that I've been seeing him for so long - about 17+ years at this point, off and on but mostly on - he's more of a family friend than just a doctor. I feel comfortable talking to him so he knows the deal with NM, why I went NC and so on. Hence, I didn't feel wrong in addressing the issue with him. I kept it casual, told him I just wanted to bring it to his attention so he could handle it as he saw fit. Mainly I said I just wanted to ensure it didn't happen again and that this particular avenue was shut off to NM. As expected, Dr. L was happy I'd felt I could call and talk with him about this and assured me he'd handle it and there would be no more "messages" passed along. He went on to say that he was doubly glad I'd called because this was actually a violation of patient confidentiality and there shouldn't be any passing along of messages anyway. Then he asked if I was okay. I told him I would be fine, that it had just caught me off guard and he said that I'd made such great progress since going NC and he'd hate it if I allowed this to derail that. I assured him it would not and we said goodbye and hung up after he again reassured me he would handle it immediately.

In all, I'm glad I went through with calling, especially since it turned out to also be an issue with the patient confidentiality thing. At least now I can be sure that this avenue has also been cut off to NM and there won't be any future "messages" from her. Still, the fact that she would have the nerve to involve my doctor just galls me to no end. How DARE she! But, then, N's know no boundaries, do they?

Needless to say, I'm now positive that the coming Christmas holiday will not pass without incident. At the very least, there will be a present for ds mailed to the house. Here's to hoping that's ALL it turns out to be.

Happy Thanksgiving!

We had a lovely day at my inlaws and, thankfully, no appearances from NM, which was a pleasant surprise. So nice to have a quiet, relaxing holiday with no narcissistic drama!

Hope all of you are having your own lovely Thanksgiving holiday free from NM drama!

Warmly,

DA xx

Today is NM's birthday...

Her 59th birthday to be exact.

Kind of strange how time changes things. This time last year, I was loathing the idea of going over to visit NM for her birthday and begrudging the fact that I had to go out and spend time finding the perfect gift when I knew it would somehow fall way short of her expectations and be labeled "not good enough" in the long run. This year, for the most part I feel nothing, just relaxed and happy. Today is another day, no different from any other, though there is a small part of me that is ever so slightly saddened (though saddened isn't quite the right word either) that I can't have a normal mother who I could celebrate occasions like this with.

When it's my MIL's birthday for example, it's fun to plan a dinner for her and spend time finding a small gift for her and then go over there and celebrate her special day with her. Sometimes, though admittedly less these days, I think about how it would be nice to be able to have that same relationship with my own mother. So I guess the sadness I feel isn't about missing the mother I have but, rather, about longing for what I've never had. It's getting easier though. I think that's because I've grieved the loss of what might have been and have now moved on to acceptance for the most part.

In a way, I'm kind of surprised there was no attempt at contacting me today. Then again, by continuing to act as if I no longer exist, I think NM feels she's getting back at me or somehow teaching me a lesson so it would make sense that she would maintain that. I'm sure there was much "woe is her" stuff over the phone and email today to extended FOO however. I can hear it now, "No. Still not a word from DA. She couldn't even bother to send me a card on my birthday. Me, her MOTHER! And after all I've done for her over the years too. Whatever did I do to deserve such a horrible, uncaring daughter as her?!! Oh WOE is ME!!!" LOL

Oh well. Perhaps NM should have thought of things like being alone on her birthday before she went and treated me so horribly.

Guess time will tell if I hear anything from the NM's flying monkeys, also known as my NFOO. Wonder if NGM will finally break her silence toward me to chastise me for being a wretched daughter? LOL I'm just glad I no longer have them on my Facebook. I can only imagine the status comments from all of them tomorrow. Sentiments about the blessings of motherhood and the importance of family, etc.

Am actually looking rather forward to Thanksgiving at my IL's in a couple days, though I'm a tiny bit worried NM might show up considering she lives about a mile or two down the road from my IL's. NHS and NBIL will be at NM's house and are sure to be all too happy to join in NM's badmouthing me. That, along with all the alcohol that's generally flowing with that crowd, could potentially give NM the extra push needed to make her pull a stunt like showing up at my IL's uninvited and looking to cause a scene. I'd say it's UNLIKELY but not totally outside the realm of probability.

Guess we'll have to wait and see...

What do I want?

Had a bad day the other day. It was one of those days where thoughts of N FOO popped into my head and, no matter what I tried, just wouldn't bugger off. I was just standing there doing my dishes when I got to thinking about how my N FOO will all be together up in Ohio for the upcoming holiday and how, in the past, I've longed to be there too, to be "home for the holidays". I was thinking that, this year, I'd be happy to be amongst true family. People who love and support me unconditionally just for being me rather than what I can do for them. In turn, that got me thinking about how my N FOO have all turned on me and chosen to support my NM and her lies. That made me angry, mostly because it's all so horribly untrue. If I was the person NM, NHS and NSJ make me out to be, I could understand people not wanting anything to do with me and shunning me but I'm not that person. I'm a GOOD person who has always gone out of my way to make others happy and keep the peace and it's just so horribly unfair how I'm being treated.
 

At any rate, all this thinking about my N FOO got me to thinking what is it I want from all of them? It took a while but I realized that the answer is that I want someone to say to me, "What happened in that house?" I want them to want to know what went on. I want them to understand, to the extent that anyone can understand without having lived through it. I want them to listen, specifically to my side of the story. I just want to be heard. Validation would be divine but I could settle with just being allowed an opportunity to be heard. At that point, if everyone still chose to side with NM, so be it. But at least I'd have been given a chance to present my side of the story.

I so wish I could stop caring what other people think of me. It's certainly something I'm working on, but it's SO hard to stop feeling. Much harder than changing one's actions which was hard enough in itself. I think it's especially hard to stop caring about family when they are the one group of people above all others who are supposed to support you and care about you. Family is supposed to be the soft spot in the world that you can go to when you're feeling weak or down or in need of a lift. At least that's how I've always envisioned true family as being.

I'm lucky in that I've had at least one FOO member willing to hear me out but it's not enough for me. I want them all - or at least the majority of them - to seek out my story. Logically, I know this isn't going to happen and I need to find a way to let it go and move on but, emotionally, it's hard to accept that they don't care enough to want to know. It's hard to think that one's own family cares so little about them and I think that deep wounding is exactly what makes it so hard to let go.

I'm not going to stop trying though. I've come too far to give up now. But I fear that this will be one of the hardest steps in my healing process.

Wish me luck! I think I'm gonna need it! ;o)

It's been rather quiet lately...

No more cards for ds from NM so far, though with Christmas just around the corner, I'm sure there's more to come. Don't know what I'll do if something comes. I'd previously given the items to ds (after carefully pre-screening everything of course) but, as I mentioned in my last post, I'm no longer sure that's how I want to handle these situations. 

According to my aunt N, NM is back in town which means the possibility of running into her around town is something I have to consider again. It was so nice having her out of state, hours away. My aunt N says that my NGM was working overtime on NM to try and get her to stay up there in Ohio and leave NSJ. Aunt N said that my NGM even yelled and cussed NSJ out at one point!!! (NGM is not one to swear - at least not out loud - so this was a pretty big deal.) Much to the extended NFOO's dismay however, NM returned back here. Naturally, I was also hoping NM would choose to stay up in Ohio but more because I feel that it would be good for her to have their support around her. Here where we live, the only "support" NM has is NHS and NSJ, both of whom are mentally ill/unstable wackjobs. I feel NM would have a snowball's chance in hell of at least not getting any worse if she remained up there. But back here, with only NSJ and NHS chirping in her ear, NM is going to continue to get worse. I may no longer want her in my life but I'm to a point where I don't wish her ill so this makes me very sad indeed.

NM's birthday is coming up in the next week or so. I'm not planning any contact but I'm slightly anxious that she may try to contact me somehow at that time. With luck, the day will pass quietly like any other. Unfortunately, I don't have as much hope for the upcoming Christmas holiday. If nothing else, a package/card for ds is sure to arrive on the doorstep courtesy of the US postal system. I need to figure out my plan now so I'm not left floundering when it happens.

On a side note....in less than two months, it will have been a full year since I last spoke with my NM or saw her. I can't believe how fast the time has flown by or how much progress I've made in my healing process since last January. I find it kind of strange how little it matters to me anymore. That is to say, in the beginning of NC, I found myself counting the days and celebrating my "anniversary" each month - 1 month NC, 2 months NC, etc. At around 6 months, it stopped being quite so important and now, this past 10 month "anniversary", I didn't even realize the day had come until it was about two or three days after the fact. I find that I rarely think of NM these days unless someone mentions her, I'm posting here or reading posts over at the DoNM board. Strange how this woman who used to be nearly the full focus of my life now matters so very little.

I hope you are all doing well!

DA