Lest anyone think I've begun to lose my perspective, let me assure you that I am still fully aware of what NM's true nature is. Let's take a poisonous snake as an example. A snake will always remain true to it's nature and, at any moment, may strike. NM is no different really. Given half an opportunity, she will try to hurt me again and I know that as surely as I know my own name. Despite that knowledge however, there remains a tiny part of me who longs for more connection with a real mother. That being said, I have no illusions that she'll finally "come round" and become the mother I've always wanted.
I guess where part of my confusion comes in is in trying to figure out what the point is for me and is simply having some contact with NM just to know where she is, what she's doing, etc. enough? More to the point, is it worth it? Before, when I had zero contact with her, it just felt wrong somehow. Thinking of never seeing or talking to her again, knowing that the next time I heard about her or saw her would be when I saw her obituary in the local newspaper just felt wrong to me. So, when NM first contacted me via IM, I responded. Since then, we've had a few more chats and it's been okay. We generally talk about general stuff and I especially avoid anything that would give her an opportunity to hurt me.
The problem is, I'm no longer so sure that's enough for me. The little girl inside of me (and the adult part of me too, actually) longs to be able to talk to NM about how I feel, how it felt to hear back through the grapevine that she was smearing me, how it felt to know that my own mother would try to turn my own family against me, how it felt to be a virtual orphan because my four "parents" aren't worth a damn. I want her to listen to my pain and really hear what I have to say. Just to have her really HEAR me, even if she doesn't "get it", and to not respond with, "Well I'm not perfect" or "Well you don't think I'VE been hurt too??!!" would be nothing short of a miracle. But, of course, the hard reality is that I can't talk to her about any of that and I especially can't expect any sort of normal, logical response from her. I know with near total certainty that her response would be one of the two I just listed previously because it's always all about HER and how SHE feels and/or her shirking any responsibility whatsoever for the state of our relationship.
Even during the first chat I had with her, anytime I tried to make her accept responsibility she'd come back with, "Well you can't expect me to be perfect. I'm not perfect you know." If it wasn't that response, it was, "Well, you know, I'VE been very hurt by this whole episode too." and "You're not totally blameless either." Forget for a moment that she's right about the second comment, that I'm NOT 100% blameless truthfully, if only because I almost never spoke up and stood up for myself, that is completely beside the point. The point is that, by making such comments, she is trying to convince me she's accepting some form of responsibility when, in truth, she's doing the total opposite and making herself totally blameless, as usual.
I'd rather hear NO response from her than to have it thrown in my face how SHE'S been hurt too (the implication being BY ME) or how I can't hold her responsible because "she's not perfect".
As you've already said: There are no easy answers. And if you could take your emotions out of it, you wouldn't care. Talk about a double-edged sword. In time, you'll figure out something that works for you. Hoping for the best for you.
ReplyDeletei don't think youre losing your perspective. like you said, you just miss your mom.
ReplyDeleteand i don't think 'you aren't 100% blameless' is true at all. you are 100% blameless, because, how are you to blame for her shitty actions. she's just trying to play on your self doubt.
a huuuuunnnndred percent, are you a huuuuuundred percent, etc, haha.
:/. yeah, you got me there. the thing is, with stuff like this, its like...its not even just subpar, its like you have to go out of your way to put on this facade in order to interact with her. you cant really tell her what you want to. so...what is the point...it is a detrimental relationship. mostly because she's just acting up. so much management on your part...and for what..
Wanting a 'Mom' haunts me still after 8 years of counseling and totally accepting that she chose to stay the way she is and at some level is aware that she was/is hurtful. All I can say is I understand how you feel and it is a lousy feeling. You will figure out what works for you.
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