Had to share...

Am currently reading the book "HOMECOMING: Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child" by John Bradshaw. I'm about a quarter of the way through so far and, I have to say, this is turning out to be a REALLY good book.

I came upon a poem last night as I was reading that blew me away. Never before have I come across something that so accurately puts into words all that goes on in the mind and spirit of those of us who've grown up in an abusive, dysfunctional family. To me, it was like someone had looked into my soul and expressed in words what they found there. Anyways, I wanted to share it here with all of you now.

**NOTE: Some may find the poem triggering. Also, be aware that the poem contains some very offensive language in a couple parts.**

My Name Is Toxic Shame

I was there at your conception

In the epinephrine of your mother's shame

You felt me in the fluid of your mother's womb

I came upon you before you could speak

Before you understood

Before you had any way of knowing

I came upon you when you were learning to walk

When you were unprotected and exposed

When you were vulnerable and needy

Before you had any boundaries

I came upon you when you were magical

Before you could know I was there

I severed your soul

I pierced you to the core

I brought you feelings of being flawed and defective

I brought you feelings of distrust, ugliness, stupidity, doubt,

    worthlessness, inferiority, and unworthiness

I made you feel different

I told you there was something wrong with you

I soiled your Godlikeness

I existed before conscience

Before guilt

Before morality

I am the master emotion

I am the internal voice that whispers words of condemnation

I am the internal shudder that courses through you without any

    mental preparation

I live in secrecy

In the deep moist banks of darkness

    depression and despair

Always I sneak up on you I catch you off guard I come through

    the back door

Uninvited unwanted

The first to arrive

I was there at the beginning of time

With Father Adam, Mother Eve

Brother Cain

I was at the Tower of Babel the Slaughter of the Innocents

I come from "shameless" caretakers, abandonment, ridicule, abuse

    neglect -- perfectionistic systems

I am empowered by the shocking intensity of a parent's rage

The cruel remarks of siblings

The jeering humiliation of other children

The awkward reflection in the mirrors

The touch that feels icky and frightening

The slap, the pinch, the jerk that ruptures trust

I am intensified by

A racist, sexist culture

The righteous condemnation of religious bigots

The fears and pressures of schooling

The hypocrisy of politicians

The multigenerational shame of dysfunctional

    family systems

I can transform a woman person, a Jewish person, a black person,

a gay person, an oriental person, a precious child into

A bitch, a nigger, a bull dyke, a faggot, a chink, 

a selfish little bastard

I bring a pain that is chronic

A pain that will not go away

I am the hunter that stalks you night and day

Every day everywhere

I have no boundaries

You try to hide from me

But you cannot

Because I live inside of you

I make you feel hopeless

Like there is no way out

My pain is so unbearable that you must pass me on to others

    through control, perfectionism, contempt, criticism, blame,

    envy, judgment, power and rage.

My pain is so intense

You must cover me up with addictions, rigid roles, reenactment,

    and unconscious ego defenses.

My pain is so intense

That you must numb out and no longer feel me.

I convinced you that I am gone -- that I do not exist -- you

    experience absence and emptiness.

I am the core of co-dependency

I am spiritual bankruptcy

The logic of absurdity

The repetition compulsion

I am crime, violence, incest, rape

I am the voracious hole that fuels all addictions

I am insatiability and lust

I am Ahaverus the Wandering Jew, Wagner's Flying Dutchman,

    Dostoyevski's underground man, Kierkegaard's seducer, Goethe's

    Faust

I twist who you are into what you do and have

I murder your soul and you pass me on for generations

MY NAME IS TOXIC SHAME.

Strange thing happened the other night...

During yet another night of horrible, nightmare-laden sleep, I woke up and - for whatever reason - a memory popped into my head. I think I've mentioned it on here before somewhere but, for those new here (and for those who don't want to have to sort through all the existing posts to find it!), I'll tell the story again.

**NOTE: This will contain some offensive words as well as some details that some may find triggering. Please, consider yourself forewarned before you proceed.**

I was in my senior year of high school at the time so that would make me 16 years old. Like most of my friends at the time, I was really into the whole hip hop/rap/pop type music that was popular. NHS and I were listening to some of our cd's as we got ready for school like we often did. As I was on my way to the back bathroom to finish getting ready, I passed by the hall bath which was NSJ's bathroom. He yelled at me to "turn that nigger shit off". I immediately turned to comply and said - quite politely, I felt - that all he had to do was ask as well as making a comment that everyone had their own preference of what they liked and NHS and I happened to like that kind of music. I wasn't rude or being a smart-ass, just making a factual statement.

I turned the music way down and then proceeded toward the back bathroom again, thinking the issue was settled. I had no sooner begun to wet my hair in the tub when I felt my head being yanked back forcefully by my hair. My head was yanked back so quickly that my skull cracked on the faucet. Despite the water clouding my vision, I could see it was NSJ though, if there'd been any doubt, this screaming in rage at me would have made it instantly clear who my attacker was.

NSJ screamed curses and insults at me, calling me a "bitch" and the "c" word (rhymes with "runt") as well as a "nigger lover" and how DARE I insult him and be a smart ass little bitch, etc. As he screamed at me, he would pick me up, slap me hard across the face, shake me, throw me to the floor and kick me in my rib area. The entire thing was like a dream sequence in slow motion. I just couldn't believe it was happening.

I remember looking up at one point to see my NHS standing there in the adjoining room's doorway, just staring blankly at what was going on between her father and I.

As quickly as the attack had begun, it was over and NSJ went back to his bathroom and finished getting ready for work. Terrified and confused, I remained in the back bathroom until I was sure NSJ had left and then I hurriedly finished getting ready and ran out to the bus stop to go to school. After I got to school, I remember going to the bathroom and looking at my side and finding bruises all up and down my right side. Despite the hard slaps to my face and other parts of my body, the bruises on my side were the only marks left on me.

At one point in the day, I can't remember what prompted it but I showed the bruises to a couple of my closest friends. Years later, I would be very glad I did.

When I got home from school that day, I attempted to tell NM what had happened though, looking back, I don't see how she couldn't have heard or witnessed it for herself. The house was small and noise carried well due to the plaster walls so I find it very hard to believe NM heard and saw nothing. When I'd finished telling NM my story, she looked at me blank-faced and said coldly, "I have no idea where you got those bruises, probably did it to yourself for attention, but I DO know that NSJ didn't do it." Ever NM's little sidekick, NHS claimed she hadn't seen a thing and that I was lying which only served to further the belief in NM's mind that NSJ wasn't at fault.

I remember thinking at the time very distinctly that I couldn't count on my NM or NHS and I was all alone in life. I also felt extremely hurt and betrayed by both NM and NHS, all the more since I'd often come to their defense and done what I could to protect them when they'd been the target of NSJ's rages. This was especially true of NM since NHS rarely got in trouble with NSJ.

For years later - and it continues to this day were I to bring it up - NM and NHS insist that the event never happened, that I'm making it up and it's just evidence of my mental issues, etc. It got to the point that I began to believe maybe I really was crazy and had made it up. Then, a year or so ago, I got back in contact with an old friend from high school who just happened to be one of the friends I'd shown the bruises to that horrible day. I asked her if she remembered anything like that happening and apologized for the uncomfortable discussion and was extremely elated to see her respond that yes, she remembered it well and how worried she and her then boyfriend ( as well as the other couple girls there that day) were about me. At that point, I just cried and cried and cried. I was so relieved to have it confirmed that I hadn't imagined it, it had happened and I wasn't lying.

So anyways, I'm lying awake in bed at about 3 or 4am the other night and this memory of this event pops into my mind. As I'm remembering it, a voice in my head startled me by saying, "It never happened." Immediately, another voice spoke up and said, "Yes it did. Remember your friend on Facebook who said she remembered seeing the bruises?"

The strangest part of the whole memory is that while I remember fairly clearly what went on that day, it's like it didn't happen to me. I cannot, no matter how hard I try, put myself back in that day and relive it in my mind. It's kind of like having a memory but having no memory of the event, if that makes any sense. It's just very, very strange. My best guess is that my mind is trying to protect itself from fully remembering at this point and that, when it's safe to fully remember, I will.

I think of the teenage me and all that I was forced to suffer and endure - especially this day which is the worst physical beating I ever got from NSJ - and I am just so damned angry. More than just angry, I feel rage. I want to take a baseball bat and beat the ever-loving shit out of NSJ. Let him know what it feels like. And yet....the saddest thing of all is that he DOES know what it feels like because his father used to beat the crap out of him daily when he was a young boy. I just cannot fathom for the life of me doing to my child (or in NSJ's case, my step-child) what was done to me, to continue the cycle of abuse. It's bad enough to do it at all but to do it when you know that kind of pain intimately yourself just makes it so much worse in my mind.

I thank God that my ds will never know that pain. That he'll never know what it's like to be demeaned or beaten or made to feel less than human. To feel unloved and worthless and like a burden. To have his spirit crushed. I thank God for giving me the strength and courage to fight and keep on fighting to heal my own issues so that I can be a better mother to my son.

Feeling hurt and betrayed yet again...

Was talking with my aunt N yesterday via email and inquired if my GM was okay. I was mildly concerned as I hadn't heard from her in quite some time and she would usually email me every couple weeks or so. I'd seen her on FB here and there so I knew she was still alive and well. I just wondered why I hadn't heard from her. The last time we'd chatted via email was back when I'd first received my diagnosis of PTSD. I'd emailed her to say hello and casually mentioned near the end of the email about the new diagnosis and jokingly said that obviously things weren't quite so rosy growing up as NM and NHS would like everyone to think. When I didn't hear anything in response from my GM, I figured she was pissed that I'd made the comment about NM and was going to give me the silent treatment temporarily or whatever. (Though with GM it's always less of an intentional silent treatment than it is that she withdraws rather than just come out and say some one's upset her.)


So while chatting with my aunt N back and forth yesterday via email, I inquired how GM was doing, if aunt N had heard from her, etc. and mentioned my suspicions that GM might be upset regarding the PTSD comments. Aunt N responded that GM apparently feels I'm lying about having PTSD because, in her words, it's "just not possible" given that "only men in war zones get that". Aunt N, ever ready to defend me, told GM that wasn't true and that perhaps GM should google PTSD and she'd find out that anyone who's suffered a major trauma can get it.


Apparently there was some talk after that with aunt N telling GM that she does NM no good service by constantly enabling her, GM worrying that she was a "bad mother" because NM turned out the way she did, aunt N reassuring GM that she did the best she could and was a good mother and that NM's problems are either a result of her own choices and actions and/or just fate that she has the issues she does. GM grew increasingly frustrated (as she doesn't like anyone saying anything wrong about NM) and finally said, with regards to me, that "some people just need to get over it already and put it in the past where it belongs", or something along those lines.


When aunt N continued to stand up for me and place the blame on NM, GM defended NM by saying that NM was very sick and almost died as a child, blah blah. (Poor NM. Let's never hold her responsible for her bad behavior because she almost died as a child and therefore deserves a lifetime get out of responsibility free card. *rolling eyes*) Aunt N, ever quick on her toes, then said to GM, "So which is it mom? Does stuff that happens as a child affect the person as an adult or doesn't it? Why should it be a valid excuse for (NM's name) but not for DA?" At that point GM grumbled under her breath but agreed to butt out and not badmouth me with NM. I don't believe for a second she'll adhere to that promise but, whatever.


I'm torn in how I feel about finding this out. On the one hand, I'm really, really angry. Why in the hell is it always so easy to find fault with ME while everyone else seems to get a free pass? On the other hand, it hurts to once again be the fall guy and be accused of lying. Like I'm just some hateful little spoiled brat who gets her jollies out of badmouthing my poor, innocent "almost died as a child" mother. Like admitting to having mental/emotional issues is easy or fun or something to brag about. Are they kidding me??


And, honestly, the next person who says to me, "Just put it out of your mind and get over it already." is going to get a punch in the face. Seriously. I am beyond sick of this worthless "advice". Honestly, if it was that freaking easy, do they not think I'd have DONE that by now? Yes, like I just ENJOY living like this every day. Like I enjoy missing out on family events with my dh and ds because of my agoraphobia. Like I enjoy having to tell my son all the time, "No. I'm sorry baby but mommy can't go to the park today because her tummy hurts." Do they honestly believe I LIKE to live in this hell every day of my life??!! And, if not, then how DARE they just dismiss me by telling me to just "get over it already"!


I'm so sick of being this family's scapegoat.

Another amazing post from my DoNM sister....

This time she writes:


So, the big aha moment for me is realising this whole journey and experience is about love.

The betrayal by NM and others is their refusal or inability to love us and also to receive our love. When they reject our love it is a rejection of our self and that is all we are and all we have. No wonder it hurts so much. Our core is wounded by the rejection and refusal.

The abuse we experienced was an abuse of our love and support. What a betrayal!

NMs fail in their duty as mothers and parents and their manipulations and projections are designed to hide this truth from us and others and maintain control of our emotions so they can continue to drain the love (LIFE) out of us. They are willing to sacrifice us to save themselves.

Our struggle with the idea of NC is that it means we have to make a decision to withold/stop giving and showing our love to them and this feels wrong to a healthy loving adult. We know subconsciously that we are being forced to respond in a way that is not in line with our integrity or wish to give and receive love. Nevertheless it is a decision we are compelled to make unless we ultimately decide to continue to sacrifice our lives to "save" them. The vampiric mother is draining our love which is our life blood and this weakens us.

To remain in contact with an NM means you will be drained of love. Even if you have your own sources of healthy love such as a loving partner, family of your own and friends you will forced to use that love energy to feed the insatiable appetite of the NM instead of using it to support yourself and to build reserves for lifes struggles!

Until I started recovery I had struggled all my life in relationships continually choosing people who are either unwilling or unable to give love. Some even faked it enough to reel me and then start the abuse. Sometimes those people used love as a bait and then a weapon. I took it on as some kind of challenge thinking if I can win their love I will find the missing key that will unlock the love from NM.

This also extended to choosing careers that I didnt love and had to struggle to fight my real feelings to be successful. No wonder I became drained and exhausted.

How do you know what to look for when you dont know what love feels like and only have an unhealthy (internal) model of love to compare it with?:

I was betraying myself. I was not shown love by NM and therefore, had no internal model for how to love myself. I only knew how to neglect, ignore, discount, undermine and abuse myself. That is the real reason I have attracted negative people and situations where I struggled into my life.

The more I experienced rejection of love and betrayal the more I turned away from love and the fear of wanting it and reaching out for it grew. What a muddle! Do I reach for the carrot and risk getting whacked by the stick? Or do I pretend I dont like carrots?

To live without the love of humans is excruciating. Thank heavens I have experienced unconditional love from my pets because at least I know what it feels like.

Love is a choice and having denied myself opportunities for real and healthy and lasting love I want to ensure I do not waste the rest of my life. How sad that it has taken 50 years! No wonder so much of my recovery has been grief work - mourning all the losses!

I choose to love myself in a healthy non Narc way and I will not give up the notion that there are people out there who will love me for who I am and not what they want me to be/do. Instead of searching desperately for loving people I will relax and let them find me. Just as my recovery lead to me this forum and a wonderful and precious group of ladies who really do feel like family to me.

Finding this information has been like exorcising ghosts from my house. I feel like a dark cloud has been lifted and that my life really will be different from now on.

I hope in sharing my findings and thoughts other DOMNs will experience moments of revelation that will truly set them free from the torment of having an NM.

Continuous betrayal makes a relationship with NM impossible...

This was recently posted by one of my sisters on the DoNM board and I found it very profound and asked her if I could share it here with all of you. She said I could so...here it is!

A thought just occured to me...

As DOMNs we have experienced an ongoing pattern of betrayal and this makes it impossible to have a relationshp with an NM. Our trust is continually betrayed and there is no mutuality or shared responsibility or admission of mistakes.

In childhood we needed predictability in the care we received and NMs and FOO proved over and over that they could not be trusted. As children we blamed ourselves to create some sense of safety but it is like living a lie. The emperor was naked, if it sqawks like a duck and walks like a duck then it must be a duck. They are not ugly ducklings waiting to emerge as a swan.

They showed us time and again who they really were/are and we had to deny reality to survive. As adults we have a choice. I no longer want to fool myself that she can be trusted or that it is possible to have a relationship with her or any FOO.

It set the tone for relationships as we emerged into adulthood and shaped our view of ourselves and the world as being unpredictable and unreliable.

Is it any wonder we experience such torment when we lived for years under an oppressive dictatorship?
It's time to free ourselves from the lies and pull back the curtain to reveal the true ugliness of their characters. We must stop covering their crimes and abuse otherwise we continue to condone their treatment of us and others. It has to stop. We have to start reflecting back the truth to them and stop distorting the mirror. We are the only ones harmed by acceptance of such abuse.


She also made a follow up post which reads:

The core wound is really that they taught us to betray ourselves by denying the truth!

Talk about compromising my integrity and quality of my relationships and life!

No wonder I felt so uneasy in the presence of NM and the others who I knew in my heart were untrustworthy but who I believed were important to be in contact with because of a fear of being abandoned.

I think I may have reached the centre of my earth in terms of healing and recovery. I can finally name the core wound that created all the other hurts. I can name it, shame it, allocate it, see the impact of it, be disgusted by it, appreciate the how and why I kept creating similar situations that lead to betrayal and finally set myself free from the long shadow and devastation it has caused in my life. Any remaining guilt or shame resulting from decision to go NC with NM and FOO has melted away as I can stand in power and reclaim my life energy from the depths of evil.

I hope this helps you all as much as it helped me to read it earlier today.

Hugs,

DA xx

In remembrance...

In remembrance of all those affected by the tragedy of 9/11/01. 
God Bless America!

Been a crazy week so far...

It started off good. Monday was of course a holiday which meant that dh and ds were out of work and school, so we spent the day at home, lounging around and just having some great family time.

Tuesday, I started a new babysitting job and so began my troubles. The child was a 2 1/2 year old little boy who I'll call "P". P is the son of a younger gal dh works with. Dh works alongside her dad which is how he knows of her. Apparently the gal is going through a nasty divorce and having some bad financial problems at the moment. Being the nice person I am, I agreed to help her out and babysit for the very low price of only $85 a week.

So, Tuesday morning at 7am, this gal shows up with P. P was pretty good considering it was his first time in a new place with a strange lady to babysit him.....at least for the first hour and a half. After that, it was like the demon switch when on and everything rapidly went downhill from there. Now, I know that 2 1/2 year old, by nature, aren't going to be the best behaved because they are, after all, still babies and learning but it was VERY clear to me that this kid has ZERO discipline at home. When his cartoon he'd been watching went off and I pulled up the on screen guide to see what was on next, he began screaming at the top of his lungs, "NO! NO! Me no want that!" until I turned the guide back off. The way our cable works, several channels have a "start over" feature that will automatically pop up five minutes after the show starts. Every time THAT would show on the screen, again P would start with the screaming.

As if that wasn't bad enough, the kid hits, bites, kicks and just all around generally behaves horribly, particularly come time to change his diaper. Considering the kid isn't potty trained AT ALL (despite the fact that ds was a late bloomer in this area, even he was at least partially potty trained by this point) that meant changing a LOT of diapers. At one point, I was changing a "#2" diaper and, of course, the kid is screaming that he wants up and thrashing all over the place. During one particularly wild thrash, the poop laden diaper started to flip and, instinctively, I threw my hand down to stop it. The diaper WAS folded over at that point so my hand WOULD have touched only diaper, not poop. Unfortunately, P's thrashing movements also caused the diaper to unroll so, yes, my hand landed smack dab in the poop. It was at this point that I am sad to say I lost it a bit and threatened to give him a spanking if he didn't stop screaming and HOLD STILL. I think he must have been shocked that I stood up to him because he actually stopped screaming and thrashing around long enough for me to finish cleaning him up and redress him.

But wait, there's more! The kid had chronic gas. Every few minutes, I swear, this kid was farting. You couldn't get within 10 feet of him without it smelling like he'd crapped himself. And EVERYTHING seemed to go into his mouth. The second he left for the day, I frantically soaked all the toys I could in a water/bleach solution and used Clorox wipes on everything else. Suffice it to say, come pick up time at 5:30pm that day, I was not only exhausted but VERY happy to see P going home! (It was also VERY apparent that three times the amount of $85 I was getting per week to watch this kid wasn't near enough for all I had to put up with.)

Forward to Wednesday morning - yesterday. I woke up feeling sick because I so badly did NOT want to have to watch P again. EVER. I seriously contemplated calling and telling his mother right then and there that unless she upped my fee to $200 a week, she needn't bring him back. I was that fed up. But, I put on my big girl panties (because we SO need the extra money right now) and sucked it up. 7am, P was back and so began another day of babysitting hell.

As the previous day, P was well behaved for the first hour and a half or so. He rode fine in the car to drop ds off at school. On Tuesday, I had had to carry P with me as I walked ds into school. Yesterday however, we were a couple minutes behind (because P HAD to take some stuff with him in the car, it was that or endure another of his screaming tantrums and I already had a slight headache at that point) and wound up getting stuck behind the buses in the drop off lane. Because I couldn't move the car and because I couldn't park it there due to it being the bus/drop off lane, ds had to walk into school for the first time all alone. I hugged him goodbye and told him to have a good day and I'd see him at 3pm but I was barely back in the car before I lost it. I just began sobbing. I wasn't quite sure what all that was about at first, I guessed it was just the stress of having to keep P again and not being able to be there for ds like I wanted to. Last night in therapy, my T pointed out that she thought perhaps I was crying for little DA since my NM never walked me into school when I was growing up and I was reliving that pain. Seemed to make sense.

Anyway, we got to be on our way just a few minutes later but I continued to cry and sob the entire way home and for about an hour afterward and then several times off and on throughout the next few hours. I was finally starting to calm down when P took an entire bin of small toys and dumped in on the floor quite aggressively. (Which is another thing about the kid, he was SO aggressive with his play, always trying to force this thing into here or throwing stuff hard, hitting it, etc.) I told him firmly but nicely to please pick that stuff up and put it back into the bin. Of course, P said, "NO! P no want pick up stuff!" (Another oddity - he was always referring to himself in the third person, "P no like this!", "P want that!", etc.) I pushed him and said, "P, you need to pick that stuff up please." and of course he continue to scream he didn't want to. After a couple minutes of me getting a bit firmer and him continuing to fight me, he actually grabbed a play teapot and threw it at me! Nailed me in the head which made my already borderline migraine launch into a full blown migraine. At that point, I was DONE.

I called up P's mom at work and told her I wasn't feeling good, that I had a horrible migraine that was making me extremely nauseous (which wasn't entirely untrue at that point) and told her she had to come get him please. She asked if she could wait another 20 minutes until her lunch break and I said fine, against my better judgement. She also told me to go ahead and pack up all of P's stuff that she'd brought over for him (she'd brought over an entire case of diapers and wipes along with a huge supply of food because, in her own words, she "can't be bothered dragging that stuff all over the place all the time") because she was going to put him back with his previous sitter. Had I not wanted to be rid of the kid and his tantrums and other awful behavior so badly, I'd have been pissed. As it was, I was thanking my lucky stars that he wasn't my problem anymore!

His mom showed up to collect P and his crap. I apologized (trying to be the bigger person) for having had to call her at work and that it obviously hadn't worked out having P here at my house) to which she replied it was no big deal and that there were no hard feelings or anything and said she'd give my money to dh by next Monday or Tuesday at the latest. I said that would be fine and off they went.

Forward to today. Dh calls and says that the gal paid him the money she owed me.............well, supposedly. She gave dh $20 for 16 hours worth of babysitting work on my part, not to mention the absolute hell I had to put up with, though neither of us mentioned that. It was bad enough when she was wanting to pay me a piddly $2/hour (when, as I understand it, the going rate starts at $5 per hour for babysitting duties) to watch her kid but this was just downright insulting. She paid me barely over $1 per hour!!!!

Dh was, understandably, livid on my behalf but said he's going to let it slide ONLY because he is friends with her father and has to work with him as well as the girl and doesn't want any issues at work right now. If it wasn't for the fact that dh works with her, I'd be giving the bitch a major piece of my mind, I tell you what! To add insult to injury, she had comments all over Facebook yesterday and today about how she had such a bad day yesterday and how she and P are both SO happy that he's once again back with his old sitter. I do the girl a major favor, take her kid into my home on short notice (one day's notice, to be exact), put up with his horrid behavior which included both me and my ds being hit by this kid, went out of my way to get ds' old carseat to put in my car so that he could be safe (his M said to just put him in a regular seatbelt with no carseat!) AND agreed to do it all for a piddly $85 a week and THIS is how she repays my kindness??! Well FUCK HER. She'd better NEVER ask me or dh for another favor ever.

On a happier note, I had an awesome therapy session last night. Dh went with me on this one as he had some questions about how to be supportive and what else he should be doing to help me, if anything. For the first time, I broke down and cried at a couple points which resulted in touching on some really deep issues. I'm not exactly sure WHAT we accomplished but I feel strongly that we accomplished quite a bit last night. As a result, I'm feeling very hopeful today. Between that and the fact that I didn't have to have P again today (or any other day from here on out, thank the Lord), today was an almost perfect day. I say almost perfect because my migraine came back again but, thankfully, the two Motrin I took seem to have knocked it out, though I have some remaining, slight sinus pressure.

I have to say, it has bothered me a great deal that I had/have such a strong dislike for P. He is, after all, only a baby and it really isn't his fault that he is the way he is. Clearly his mom and her bf don't take the time to discipline him properly. Hell, she even admitted as she left the first day that she didn't have time to be bothered with him acting up when she got home because she was tired after a long day's work and just wanted to relax but couldn't because she had to take care of him. I felt like a bad person because, instead of feeling sorry for P and having compassion like I felt I ought to, I felt only disgust and repulsion. I would never neglect any child in my care, regardless of how I felt about them, and P was certainly no different. I treated him the same as I did/do ds in regard to feeding him, keeping him safe, keeping his diapers clean and dry, etc. Still, I'd be lying if I said it wasn't with some effort that I was able to do those things for P. Thank goodness for my dh and T, both of whom said to me that I did nothing wrong and that it was natural to feel that way for a child who was so out of control and badly behaved, that I would only be in the wrong had I neglected or abused him in any way, neither of which I did. Made me feel a little better but there's still some remaining guilt in there.

Still no word from NM. Guess she's chosen to actually respect my wishes for once and not to contact me until I contact her. I'd been putting off taking any action where NM is concerned until I spoke with my T. Now that I've had another session with my T, she confirmed what I'd already been thinking - that, at least at this time, having contact with NM is not in my best interests and will only do more harm than good. She said there may come a time when I can handle it should I choose to but that time is not right now. That was when the grief started up again. I don't know why it should be so hard to let go, especially when I've already done this once before but, as my T said, it takes as long as it takes and some people need to grieve multiple times before it's all purged and they are ready to move on.

Hope you are all doing well. Also wanted to take the time to thank all of you so much for following my little blog and posting your various comments. It's nice to know that there are people out there who not only care about what I have to say but who I've also helped on occasion by baring my soul and putting all this out there. So thanks! :o)

DA

List of Grievances - Part 4

• If I’ve ever dared to even HINT that dh and I are short on money – mind you, I’ve never asked her for a DIME – she’s super quick to say “Well don’t ask me cause I don’t have a CENT!” This is sometimes followed by a speech on how she’s done her job of raising NHS and I and how, especially after all the problems I gave her, it’s HER time now. What-ever lady!

• For my birthday this year (back in 2009), she bought me three things: a rooter (to root plants in), an anklet and a small bag of sea glass. The sea glass was the only thing she bought for ME. The other two things she spent time talking about how much SHE loved them and how lovely they’d look in HER home which is why she thought they’d make the perfect present for me. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the items, they were pretty, but the fact that she went on and on about how much SHE just LOVED them kind of ruined it for me. I wound up donating the items to charity.

• She is always complaining about money and lamenting about poor NHS and NBIL who can barely make ends meet. Then she’ll add about how it’s supposedly “easy for you and dh because you have your FIL who’s always giving you guys money”. Umm…NO. Dh and I have money because we’re responsible with what we get and pay off our bills first and then, if we have some left over, we’ll get ourselves each something small that we want. Unlike NM, NHS and NBIL who are all extremely impulsive buyers and spend money like it’s no object.

• She’s infantile and petty. Once, when I refused to buy a box of teabags for her to use at my house – dh's company had just cut insurance coverage for ds and I and money was VERY tight so I literally didn't have the extra money - she grew very angry and said, in a very p/a way, “Sheesh! You can’t even buy your poor mother a stinking box of teabags! Thanks a lot!” She proceeded to complain about it for hours afterward and actually brought it up in therapy OVER A YEAR LATER as “evidence” of my being a bad daughter and disrespecting her/not caring about her.

• She doesn’t ask, she TELLS me what she expects me to do. Like when they were getting ready to leave on vacation one time, she called and told me “You’ll need to come out here at least every other day to make sure the bird has plenty of food and water.” When I told her I couldn’t do it and could MAYBE come out there only one day that week, NM grew angry and said “Thanks a lot! Now what am I supposed to do? I hope I don’t come home to find the poor bird DEAD because you couldn’t bother yourself to come and take care of him!”. Clearly, how DARE I presume to have my own life and not jump when she yells!

• She is NEVER wrong about ANYTHING! Usually I get told that I’M the one causing her to act badly toward me, because I’m so dramatic or because I’m such a problem or too sensitive. The few times she has apologized were always non-apologies – “Well, I’m sorry if I did that but I have no recollection of anything like that.” “I’m sorry but it was just a joke. You’re over-reacting and being too sensitive.”

• Plays my NHS and I off of each other. She’ll gossip viciously to my NHS about me and then, when NHS cuts me off, NM will whine to me about how it’s so hard that the family can’t even be together because of all this “silliness” between my NHS and me and why can’t I just try talking to her and work something out?

• Will tell me she needs me to go with her to XY event or that she needs help with XYZ and I generally will help her out because I'm a good person and enjoy helping people. However, the favor is RARELY returned. When she DOES offer to return the favor, it's never really help. NM's idea of "help" involves her coming over here and parking her butt on my couch all day. I guess her mere presence in my home is supposed to make me feel better so that I can do it all myself?

• (March2009) Came into my home and told me some very disturbing things about my step-nephew. Apparently the child (who was 14 at the time) had been exhibiting some disturbing sexual behaviors such as masturbating in front of others and supposedly was trying to teach my niece and nephew how to do it as well. When I reacted normally and became concerned, NM called and left very nasty phone messages on my voice mail instructing me to back off and “leave it alone”, claiming it was “being handled” and wasn’t any of my business. She even went so far as to threaten me by telling me that BIL’s ex’s family “didn’t take kindly” to people talking badly about their family!

• When her threats didn’t work, NM took to calling up my aunt and grandmother and began a smear campaign to turn them against me and make ME out to be the bad guy. She continues to make herself out to be the martyr and victim in everything and is no longer speaking to me (despite the fact that I’M the one who cut HER off) because “she doesn’t know what to say that won’t make it worse”. (This was first period of NC that lasted 10 weeks.) This has resulted in a few family members contacting me and telling me about how I need to stop “hurting my mother” because it’s “not fair” to her. *cue eyeroll*

• (Thanksgiving 2009) NM had been pestering me for almost two weeks, whining about how she would be “all alone” over the holidays. Ever the good little doormat then, I assured her numerous times that we – dh, ds and I – would be there for both Thanksgiving and Xmas. NHS and I were no longer speaking (Thank GOD!) at that time and, in an effort to exclude me, she and NBIL had invited NM and NSJ to THEIR house for Thanksgiving saying that they planned to host that year. The understanding was that I, of course, was NOT welcome in their home. Imagine my surprise to hear NM say that she had accepted their offer!

• Later, when the Thanksgiving festivities were moved to NM's house (due to her having more room), I was stunned to hear from NM's own mouth that I was STILL not invited because NHS and NBIL would refuse to come and then how would it look for poor NM?! But never fear! NM told me I could still come by and “surprise” everyone and that, if I chose to do so, she wouldn't stop me or say anything. Of course, the unspoken part was that she would play dumb and claim she hadn't had any idea I'd be there so that I would be the bad guy yet again.

• When I was understandably upset re: Thanksgiving – though NM claimed to have NO idea WHY, since SHE hadn't done anything wrong! - NM offered me the “consolation prize” of getting first pick of which day I wanted to visit her over Xmas, Xmas Eve or Xmas Day. Lucky me! NOT.

• Despite being coldly excluded from Thanksgiving, I decided to be the bigger person and invited NM and NSJ into my home for Xmas Eve. My only request was that NSJ NOT be drunk upon arriving and that they both NOT bring alcohol over as no one else that would be here drank and I didn't want NSJ to once again ruin yet another family holiday with his alcoholism. Well, of course, NM and NSJ show up with an entire case of beer in tow. Their excuse, that they thought someone else might want one. (They KNEW damn well no one else that was going to be here drinks, especially beer.) Previous to the night, NM had asked if she could bring anything. I said a veggie dip would be great and I'd cut up a bunch of veggies to go with it. NM showed up with a shrimp and onion CHEESE BALL (Did I mention I'm lactose intolerant and can't eat dairy and that I hate shrimp? Oh and dh hates onions.) and a gazillion bread sticks. So I had an entire thing of veggies that went uneaten thanks go NM's “generosity”.

• NSJ kept pestering everyone to have a beer, including me who he knows very well doesn't drink. When I said, “No thank you. I don't drink.” his response was, “Why not? You know, maybe that's your problem.” !!! NM spent the majority of the night telling over and over her trials and tribulations of being married to my evil father, how he “beat” her and cheated on her, etc. People kept walking away only to find themselves being followed around the house by NM as she continued her tales of woe. When dh turned on the tv show “Cheaters” to try and drone NM out, it only served to spur her on and she began furiously venting about how my dad had cheated on her and how “devastated” she'd been, etc. a) I had asker her NUMEROUS times NOT to talk about my dad around me, b) I had asked her not to badmouth my dad in front of ds especially (ds was in the next room and could likely hear all that was said had he been listening) and c) an Xmas party is NOT the time to talk about such things! When I politely asked her to SHUT UP, she was all “Oh who cares? I'm just talking about it!”. Did nothing to stop her.

• For Xmas that year, dh and I had gotten everyone a charity donation in their name as Xmas gifts, with the sole exception of my IL's whom had requested a Snuggie each. A couple days after the party on Xmas Eve, NM sent me a very cold, nasty email saying how DARE I deliberately try and disrespect and EMBARRASS her with my gift of a charity donation in her name and how she would NEVER not buy HER mother at least a small gift! She went on to claim that I hadn't gotten her a Mother's Day or Xmas gift in YEARS. NOT true, of course. Yes, there had been times when a gift just wasn't possible due to financial reasons but I at least got her a card and I ALWAYS remembered to call her and/or go visit. The straw that broke the camel's back for me though was when she dared to tell me that, from there on out, I WOULD honor my abusive step-pig (the man who TERRORIZED and ABUSED me for nearly 33 years of my life at that point) with a gift on ALL gift-giving occasions! As if! Can you imagine the gall?!!!!

• For YEARS, I have bent over backward to try and find just the right gift for NM on gift-giving holidays only to have her show little to no enthusiasm each time. Worse, when NM would hear about money we'd gotten, such as settlement monies for an accident we were in, she'd make a comment that, “OH, good! NOW you can get me a GOOD gift!” Yet I'm supposed to go out of my way to buy gifts for the ungrateful bitch??

• Just before going NC, NM sat in my living room on January 8^th of 2010. This was a “her one last chance” sort of thing. I had already pretty much decided to go NC but dh had talked me into giving it one more chance and trying to talk it out with him as mediator. NM spent the entire time asking “But WHY can't I take ds out by myself or to my house for a few hours?” despite us having told her time and time again that we didn't want ds around NSJ and that it was her own fault for having abused the privilege by repeatedly disregarding our wishes on how we chose to raise OUR son. NM also sat there and blame ME and my father for all my problems, saying that she had NEVER done ANYTHING remotely wrong as a mother aside from allowing ME to abuse and disrespect HER. It wasn't until she dared have the gall to say that NSJ would NEVER hurt a child however that I had had enough and told her I was done and it was time for her go.

• During period of no contact, NM – along with NHS and NSJ – embarked on a massive smear campaign and attempted to turn my friends and extended family against me. She tried to interfere by appealing to my IL's – as if they were going to side with her over me. When that backfired on her, she took to smearing them as well. She talked trash about me to anyone who would listen – old friends she'd run into, old acquaintances, my chiropractor, my hairdresser (who works with her hairdresser), etc. She actually succeeded in turning most of my extended FOO against me, save for my aunt N who continues to be objective and sees through my NM's bullshit.

• During NC, NM completely ignored that I existed anymore with the exception of her vicious smear campaign. There were no letters, emails, birthday cards, etc. Instead, she focused her attentions on my ds, sending him gifts and cards, etc. a few times a year, as if that was going to make her GM of the year in his eyes.

• During period of NC, NM happened to run into my MIL and SIL at the local grocery store. DS happened to be visiting MIL that day and so was with them. NM made a HUGE scene, according to MIL and SIL, by running up to ds and throwing her arms around him and crying while saying stuff like, “Oh my gosh! Hi big boy! I've missed you SO MUCH!!!” According to NM – as was heard back through the grapevine and reported back to me via extended FOO – ds threw his arms around her and practically cried himself he was so happy to see her. NM made out like it was something out of a Lifetime movie special. Turns out, NM was the only one elated to see anyone, ds couldn't have cared less and actually moved AWAY from NM apparently. Then, when they were all back in the car, MIL asked ds if he knew who that lady was and ds said NO!

• After going NC, NM had contacted dh to ask for some things back I had of hers. Dh set up a time to drop the stuff off and, while there, asked for a bunch of my stuff back that NM had borrowed. NM said dh would have to come back and called at a later date to tell him when to come. Dh showed up to find no one home and a box with my stuff on the front porch. Several of the items were expensive stuff, such as copper cookware, that could have been ruined/stolen. Clearly, NM didn't care. Upon getting home and looking through my stuff, I noticed several things had not been returned, like a set of copper frying pans and my belly dance hip scarf that NM had been coveting since I bought it. (She claimed I'd “stolen” it out from under her as I had bought the one SHE liked.)

• Sometime around the end of July/early August 2011, I was online when an IM from NM popped up saying hi. Against my better judgment, I responded and have regretted it ever since. I have done all I can to try and discuss things with NM, important things that need to be discussed if we were to try and work on our relationship only to have her blow me off, make excuses and refuse to accept ANY responsibility whatsoever. She kept saying things like, “Well you can't expect me to be perfect, you know.” and “You know, you're not 100% blameless either.” When I saw her running away with the whole conversation, I made sure to make it clear that I was NOT ready to see her in person yet or even talk with her on the phone. Her response? That SHE wasn't ready to see ME either as she'd been “deeply hurt” by the whole “incident”. (cue eye roll)

• After only speaking maybe 5 times via IM and email, NM actually sent me an email requesting to see ds. Of course, she worded it as saying how she wanted ds to know and love her and wanted a relationship with him and what could WE do to rectify the situation, as if we have EVER worked together on anything previous. Forget the fact that ds is now 5 years of age and currently has little idea who NM is or that NM was willing to walk out of ds' life for nearly 2 years simply because she couldn't have everything the way SHE wanted it. NM and I hadn't spoken for nearly 2 YEARS and had only had maybe FIVE IM/email convos at that point and yet she thought it appropriate to ask to visit with my SON??! When I told her it wasn't going to happen, NM proceeded to give me the silent treatment for two weeks as “punishment” because she didn't like my answer.

List of Grievances - Part 3

• When I revealed recently that dh and I would like to have another baby eventually, NM said, “Oh no. You guys definitely don’t need another baby. You have some serious shit to get together first.” WTFH????!!

• After practically begging dh and I to stay with her and NSJ for a couple weeks while we were waiting for our closing date on our new house, I came home from work one day (about 5 days into our stay there) to find all our stuff in trash bags in NM’s foyer. When I asked what was up, NM said we had to go because she couldn’t stand our mess anymore. Mind you dh and I were extremely clean while living there, even more so than normal because I know what a clean freak my NM is. Dh and I wound up having to make arrangements to stay at his P’s at the last minute because we had nowhere else to go.

• Is constantly telling me what I “ought to” do, what I “should do” or what I “need to” do, which, coincidentally, is what SHE thinks I ought, should or need to do.

• Will often stop talking to me and give me the ‘silent treatment’ as a form of punishment when I go against her.

• Has asked for money on a couple of occasions and then berated me and attempted to make me feel guilty when I said no way.

• When I was still living at home, as soon as I got a job, suddenly I was expected to pay NM and NSJ “rent” in addition to chipping in for other bills as well as food and other necessities. All the while, NM was spending money on this, that and the next thing, none of which she needed and then asking me for more and more “rent” monies to cover her spending.

• While still living at home and while I was between jobs, NSJ would use his time alone with me to verbally abuse me beyond belief. He’d often even follow me outside and scream at me in front of the neighbors. Often, when I’d had enough, I would leave and go to my NM’s place of business (her boss was really laid back and didn’t mind me hanging around) hoping for a little comfort or for her to call NSJ up and tell him to lay off. NM always insulted me for not being able to handle it and would say “What do you expect me to do about it?”

• Whenever I wanted anything, be it an “in” article of clothing, a yearbook or whatever, I was told we “didn’t have the money”. However, whenever NHS wanted something, NM would run right out and buy it because “NHS was shy and didn’t make friends easily”. I was often also given the previous excuse of it not being fair since I got stuff from TWO families since my parents were divorced.

• NM was always (and still does to an extent) comparing me to NHS – Why couldn’t I be more like her? Why couldn’t I dress more like her? Why couldn’t I be better in school more like her? Why couldn’t I have “nice” friends like her? Either that or it was, “NHS has never given me these kinds of problems.”, etc.

• NM will often try to guilt me into doing things for her, such as agreeing to watch her bird or her dog for her while she’s away on vacation so that she doesn’t have to pay a big bill to board them. If I dare to tell her no, that I have other plans or that I just can’t for whatever reason, then I’m horrible and ungrateful and clearly don’t care about the poor animal’s welfare. She’s due to leave for vacation again soon and has been whining that she’s all concerned about her dog dying of separation while she’s gone. When I didn’t take her cue and offer to take the dog while she was gone, she grew pizzed and said I could at LEAST pick the dog up a day early so that she didn’t have to pay for the extra day.

• When I first resumed contact with my father, I had a lot of unresolved anger towards him. To try and tell him how I felt, and since I didn’t feel able to do so over the phone or in person, I typed him a letter. When I went to print it, I discovered my printer was out of ink and so I took a disc over to my NM’s house to print it on her printer. I accidentally left the disc behind and was extremely upset to discover the my NM had not only let NSJ read it but had gone along with him in emailing the letter out to all my extended family members for them to read!!! NM was THRILLED that I was angry with my dad at the time and I presume she wanted to share her joy with the rest of the family.

• NM will often ask me if dh or some other family member on dh’s side or my dad’s side has been talking badly about her behind her back. I used to tell her that they weren’t and could care less, now I don’t even bother to respond as I now know it’s just at attempt to get attention (i.e. “Poor me! Everyone’s talking about me behind my back and I didn’t even do anything to them! Boo hoo hoo!”) She’s also always paranoid that my N dad and NSM are in town and will drive by her house. As if they care.

• Has told me on many occasions that I am not to say anything bad about NSJ in therapy. After all, we can’t have anyone finding out the truth now, can we?

• Will talk to others – generally, anyone who will listen – about my private, personal business. For example, she once came to me and was riding me about my supposedly being “really depressed”. Then, when I denied it (because it wasn’t true), she told me that she’d talked with my chiropractor (who is also her chiro) and supposedly HE’D even agreed with her that I was, indeed, depressed which was, of course, a lie.

• Has gone through my things (back when I still lived at home), including my diary, and then used what she found against me and/or criticized/teased me with the information.

• NM insisted on hosting a party to celebrate ds’ baptism. She made out the invitations and sent them out to everyone, including my dad and SM and dh’s family only she forgot to include any information about the actual baptism. When I mentioned it to her, she said snottily, “YOU can handle that part. I’M only concerned with the party part of it.” Afterward, she kept asking for weeks if anyone had said anything about her or her house. She was actually disappointed when, time and again, I told her no one said a thing.

• Is always telling me stuff like “You were always so difficult”, “You can be very difficult to love”, “You were very hard to live with” or “You were always causing trouble”. This is especially true of the times I complained about the abusive treatment from NSJ. First she’s say something like “Well, you know how he is. Just ignore it.” And then she’ll follow that up with “You know, you need to understand that you were very hard to live with. You were always causing trouble. It wasn’t easy for NSJ to come in and go from not having a family to suddenly having a wife and child. And then your father was always causing us problems…” Ro imply that I DESERVED the abuse in any way is nothing short of sick! As if ANY of that was my fault or responsibility! I was a CHILD for crying out loud!!

• She’ll go on and on about her and NHS doing this or what she did with NHS’ kids and then say “I wish I could do xyz with my OTHER daughter too (meaning me) but she never wants to do anything with me anymore!”

• She made up four different excuses as to why she couldn’t attend ds’ first birthday, including saying that she and NSJ had had plans for weeks to sand and refinish their deck that weekend and THAT was why she couldn’t be there. The truth was that, since I was cutoff from NSJ at that time, he wasn’t invited and so she chose to prove a point instead of attending her gs’ first birthday. (Updated to add – NM didn't attend ds' second birthday either, was there for his 3^rd bday and then we were NC for ds' 4^th and 5^th bdays.)

• No matter what it is, NM has to “out-do” me in some way. If I say I have a headache, she says “Oh, don’t talk about headaches! I’ve had this horrible migraine for DAYS now!” If I say I have a backache, she’ll have a worse one. (BTW, did I mention I’ve had two back surgeries?) Likewise, if I do something to my house, she has to do something to hers only BETTER. When we replaced the flooring in our kitchen with this really nice vinyl tile that looks like real stone, she went out and got stone tiles put in her kitchen, along with new countertops, a tile backsplash and fresh paint. At present time, it is absolutely KILLING her that I was able to add a beautiful sunroom on my house because she can’t afford to do the same. Of course that hasn’t stopped her from talking about how she’d do hers better than mine if someone would just give HER some money.

• She lies about anything, especially stupid stuff. She once told me that I had an allergy to sulfa drugs and that they gave me a rash if I took them. When I mentioned it recently, NM denied ever saying any such thing and claims that it gave me a headache but I didn’t have an allergy to it. Or she’ll always tell me what a good baby I was only to turn around and tell me what a “problematic” child I was, even as a baby. She also lies about bigger stuff. Like, once, I asked her whether or not she’d rejected my dad’s attempt at marital counseling before considering divorce. NM flat out denied that it had ever happened. Problem is, I had her old calendars in which she used to keep a sort of diary. Right there in her own handwriting she’d written that my dad had asked her to go to counseling with him and she’d said no way.

• Whenever she decides to make time in her busy schedule of shopping, nail and hair appointments to grace ds and I with her presence, we (especially me) are expected to give her our full attention for the entire duration of her visit. If I dare to check my email while she’s here or watch something on tv, I’ll hear for weeks about how I was so “rude”. Then she’ll launch into a tirade about “THAT is why I never come visit you! Because you’re rude and you make me uncomfortable whenever I’m in your house!” Of course, it’s plenty okay for HER to read a book or whatever when she’s here. THAT is okay.

• Despite the fact that I and her doctors have warned her that she drinks WAY too much tea and that it contributes to her repeatedly getting kidney stones, she refuses to give up her tea. My guess is that she loves the attention she gets from the kidney stones, especially when it results in her having to have surgery to get rid of them. “Poor me. I’m in so much pain and now I have to have surgery AGAIN to get rid of these stupid kidney stones! Oh woe is me! WHY does this keep happening to me???”

List of Grievances - Part 2

• When I had ds, I had to have an emergency c-section. NM made the comment that I should be thankful I didn’t have to have an episiotomy because THAT was more painful! Yeah NM, as if having that little piece of tissue cut down there is comparable to having my entire abdomen and uterus cut into! Then, when dh asked her to stay with me to help me out while I recuperated (once it came time for dh to go back to work), NM did NOTHING the entire time she was here. I’d ask her to mix up a bottle for ds and her comment was always “You’re going to have to learn to do it for yourself sometime. Might as well be now.” I wound up sending her away early the second day and telling her not to bother coming back. She quite happily obliged.

• NM continued to insist that some yogurt or cheese wouldn’t hurt ds despite the fact that I’d told her numerous times that ds was LACTOSE INTOLERANT as an infant/toddler. Of course, this applies to many different things. She ALWAYS knows better than I since SHE has already raised two children and done such a FINE job of it so, naturally, I should defer to her wisdom. SOOOOOO NOT happening! LOL

• Anytime I’ve ever insisted on something regarding ds, like the fact that they now suggest waiting until age 3 before giving any peanut butter, NM will insist that SHE gave us xyz or did xyz and NHS and I turned out just fine. She’ll often then go on to ridicule “all these new restrictions” that the doctors give us for ourselves and our children, again citing how SHE never had all those restrictions and did just fine. I always love to point out to her at these moments how as little as a hundred years or so ago, they also thought the cure for a common headache was to drill a hole in a person’s skull to let some blood out. Then I ask her if she’d prefer that treatment the next time she’s suffering from a headache or would she like to try the NEW treatment that involved taking an aspirin? Usually gets me HUGE CBF’s! LOL

• NM continues to assert that ds “hardly knows her” and that she “never gets to see him” despite the fact that I’ve told her numerous times that she can see him whenever she wants provided she calls first. But that isn’t good enough for NM. She wants to be able to take him out by herself which I’ve told her won’t happen unless and until she can prove that she’s willing to abide by the guidelines that dh and I have chosen for OUR son. I refuse to accept the blame for NM not knowing her gs because she’d rather have things HER way and/or because her various hair/nail appointments and shopping excursions take precedence over visitation with her gs. Yet I’m labeled “unfair” because I “won’t let her” take her gs out by herself without me there.

• Once when NSJ called here and upset me with another one of his “jokes” (you know, the kind that are at your expense and are a form of abuse yet, when confronted with it, he plays them off as if he was “just kidding” and I’m being overly sensitive, etc.?) and I had the gall to be upset by what he’d said, all NM could think to say was that I was “being stupid” since NSJ was clearly “just joking around”. After I no longer wanted to speak to her, she had the gall to ask dh “Why is DA being this way?” and “Why is she doing this to me?” Thankfully dh told her off and hung up on her sorry ass. (She still will bring this up about how dh was so “disrespectful” to her!)

• After I finally gathered up enough courage to cut NSJ out of my life, NM took it upon herself to fix things. She was constantly on my back to make nice and go over to her house. Then, one day, she actually called me up and announced that she and NHS had “made it their mission to get the faaaaamily back together for Xmas” that year. I flat out told them both to butt out and stop it and that I wasn’t interested. Guess I was firm enough or whatever because NM actually said she was wrong for that one and backed off.

• After one temporary cutoff when I had begun to resume contact with NM, she had the gall to say to me, “I’m so glad you decided act nice again and stopped going on about all that stupid shit”. It seriously took all the willpower I had not to tell her off and cut her off permanently.

• When I wanted my driver’s license, I was told we “didn’t have the money” and that I had to wait. But when my NHS turned 16, NM took both of us out so that NHS could get her license right away. Likewise, when I wanted a car, I was told that I had to get a job and save up the money. Okay. I could respect that…………had NM not gone out of her way to help NHS get a car right after she got NHS her license.

• Every time I was given a gift by my dad’s side of the family, NM had to run out and buy NHS one just like it because “it wasn’t fair that I got TWICE as many gifts since I had TWO families”. Yeah NM. I was so “lucky” that my parents were divorced and my family was fractured.

• When she found out that I was once again in therapy, NM criticized me and said “What’re you going to be in therapy until you’re 60 years old?” When I said, “Yes. If that’s what it takes to finally resolve my issues and live a happy, content life”, NM told me I was being “ridiculous” and just needed to “get over it” already.

• A few times when I’ve brought up that I had some unresolved stuff regarding the abuse, NM said “Now wait just a minute. NSJ did NOT abuse you. I wish you’d stop saying that.” Then she added that I just “need to let the past go already and move on”.

• I would often come home from school to find that NM had cleaned my room. This always involved coming home to find that NM had bagged up several trash bags of stuff as garbage which meant stuff that she didn’t think we needed. A few times I was lucky enough to have time to go through the bags and get all my stuff out. The woman actually threw out a pair of very expensive Birkenstocks that I’d traded for simply because she thought they were “ugly” and I “didn’t need them anyhow”.

• When I was still at home, I bought a pet rabbit. When I moved out a couple years later, I wasn’t able to take the rabbit with me and offered to either pay to have him put to sleep OR to locate an animal shelter that would take him and re-home him. NM and NSJ refused, saying THEY would keep him and he would now be their pet. I told them that was fine by me. Several years went by. One day, I get a call from NM. She was at work and said she’d noticed that the rabbit “sounded funny” as she was leaving. She said she thought he was sick and asked if I could go over there and take him to the vet to be put to sleep and the vet could call her and she’d pay over the phone. I said fine. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw when I got there. This poor animal was literally skin and bones. His toenails were horribly overgrown. But the worst part was the sound this poor thing made when it breathed. It clearly had a bad respiratory infection and made this horrible gurgling sound whenever he breathed. My once beautiful, sweet baby bunny was so weak he couldn’t even stand and was barely alive. I immediately burst into tears and cried the entire way to the vet’s office, while I was there and the entire way home. When I spoke to my NM later that day, I told her that I didn’t want to talk to her for awhile. When she asked why, I told her what I’d seen and that there was NO WAY IN H@LL that this had happened “all of a sudden”. Clearly they hadn’t taken care of that poor animal in a long time. NM became extremely angry and told me “Listen here, little girl. YOU were the one who left him with us because YOU didn’t want to take care of him anymore!” I told her that was a lie and hung up. Later that day, I had a message on my answering machine. It was a long, nasty message from NM saying that she’d called the vet and they’d supposedly told her that these kinds of infections can show up that way overnight. Then she went on to say that I’d better not ever say that they were anything less than kind and caring to that animal, yadda yadda. Talk about denial.

• When I was in high school, our English teacher made us keep a daily journal that year. One day, we were asked who we would be if we could be anyone, dead or alive. I wrote that I’d be my grandfather because he was dead and didn’t have to suffer anymore. It was around that time that I’d also begun cutting myself. My teacher had apparently noticed the cutting and when she read that journal entry, she thought it time to call up my parents. My NM went in for a conference and, much like she did with my therapist years later, spent the entire meeting badmouthing me, saying I’ve always been a liar and exaggerated things for attention, etc. The whole way home and for hours after we got home, all NM kept saying was “Do you have any idea how EMBARRASSING that was for me???!!”

• Throughout my teenage years, I was extremely depressed. NM’s advice was always to tell me to just “be happy”, start dressing in more colors instead of blacks and grays all the time and listen to happier music and I’d be just fine. Even when she found out I was cutting myself, she wasn’t convinced I needed help. It wasn’t until years later that she FINALLY got me into some therapy.

• At one point during my worst depression, I began hearing things. Not voices really, just these sort of sounds, as if someone had left the phone off the receiver and you could hear people talking but not make out anything being said. It was extremely hard for me to tell her about it and I made her swear she wouldn’t tell NSJ in particular. By the next day, NSJ was teasing me about “hearing stuff” and saying I was crazy – obviously NM had told him everything.

• After NSJ beat me one morning, I came home later that day and told NM what had happened and showed her the bruises. She looked me dead in the eye and as calm as could be told me “I don’t know where you got those bruises but I know NSJ did NOT give them to you.” She and NHS denied it so strongly that I began to think I HAD imagined it all. It wasn't until years later when I reconnected with an old high school friend who eventually mentioned the bruises that I realized I WASN'T crazy and HADN'T imagined the whole thing! I cried upon my friend saying that it had really happened.

• Denies that NHS and I were raised in a home where bad language was spoken despite the fact that it was a daily occurrence and that my friends (including my dh) remember hearing it all the time.

• When I first told her that dh and I wanted to try to have a baby, she told me that she didn’t care if we ever had kids because SHE “wasn't ready to be a grandma again yet”.