This actually occurred on Tuesday I believe it was but a) the cord to my laptop went kaput causing my laptop to be useless and b) the only other computer in the house, which is my dh's work computer, has either been occupied by him or the little black ants that have seen fit to invade various areas of my house the past couple days. Hence why I haven't posted about this sooner.
Anyhoo, so I'm talking with SM on the phone a couple days ago or, rather, I'm listening to her complain about her many woes. To be fair, she has been through a lot lately what with taking care of not one, not two but three ailing elderly family members, dealing with the death of her beloved aunt, a new job and continued renovations of her mother's condo in which she and my dad are currently living (along with my step GM). So I agree, she's had a lot on her plate lately. But she's also partly to blame herself in that she, being the sort of person she is, knowingly takes on more than she can handle all the time. Maybe, like a lot of N's, she just likes to complain? I don't know.
At one point in our conversation, SM inquires whether or not dh and I have decided that we're definitely doing the vow renewal for our anniversary in September. It will be our 10th anniversary so we had wanted to do something special. And since my dad and I were estranged the first time dh and I got married, I thought it would be extra special for both of us - my dad and I - to be able to have all the things we were denied the first time round, like him getting to walk me down the aisle and the father/daughter dance, etc.
I told SM that I was sorry, that I didn't know but promised to talk with dh and have a concrete answer for her either way by the weekend since I knew they needed to plan their trips well ahead of time to arrange for other caregivers for certain family members and such. SM responded, "Well yes but that's not it. With all that's been going on these past few months, I'm just totally burnt out and our friends (the ones they spent all their time with when they were here visiting in June and several trips before that as well) usually rent a beach house around that time of year and, really, I'd just like to spend my vacation time having FUN and RELAXING." Okay. So apparently I'm NOT fun and she can't relax around me? At that moment, I felt like saying, "OH, well I'm SO sorry that I'm not "fun" and that visiting with me is so much of an imposition on your time that you're unable to relax in my presence! You know what (SM's name)? You can GO TO HELL." and then hang up. Instead, I made the excuse that my MIL and I were getting ready to take ds out for ice cream (which we actually were but it came in handy) and hung up.
Talk about a slap in the face. She couldn't have made it any clearer - visiting me, spending time with me and even something as important and special to me as renewing my wedding vows and being able to have my dad there means SQUAT to her. If she doesn't want to come, fine but most people would have made up an excuse like "We're just really busy caring for those family members right now and can't get time away" or whatever. You don't freaking come out and SAY what she said! Then again, NARCISSISTS would say EXACTLY what she said, wouldn't they? Which I suppose just further proves my initial assessment that she's an N was spot on. (Though I'm strongly considering amending it to her being a malignant N rather than just an N given that, like my NM, she seems to feel the need to go out of her way to be especially hurtful and cruel.)
Any normal, non-N person would have been hurt by my SM's actions but I suppose it's more than that for me because this whole N thing just seemed to come out of nowhere. Sure, I've always had issues here and there with SM but one is always going to have some problems with another. No relationship is problem-free. And in the years since I reconnected with SM and my dad, SM and I have grown close (or so I thought) and we seemed to get along so well over the phone. She's certainly never been so N-like on previous visits (or perhaps she has but, busy with my NM issues I just didn't see it so clearly before?). So when she came here in June and was so awful and critical and just plain ole MEAN toward me, it really surprised me. And since then, she seems to have gotten even worse and is now behaving just like my mother. Figures. I finally get away from one N and wind up with another to take her place. Only, because SM and my dad are a package deal, I can't just cut SM off unless I want to lose my dad too.
I've been thinking a lot about this the past couple days and, looking back, I suppose there were signs she was N after all. For example, the last time I was up in Ohio visiting my dad - I was 12 - and SM was always helping herself to my clothes. However, the ONE time I went into her closet without asking and borrowed a pair of shorts, and OLD pair to boot, she lit into me about being "disrespectful" and how she wasn't going to tolerate it, etc. There was also a time, I was much younger than 12 then, when she flat out said to me that I would be pretty when I grew up but I'd never be beautiful like her daughter. And she always seemed to be insanely jealous of anything my dad would do for me or give/buy me. Apparently HER kids were to be given first dibs and I was to be happy with whatever little was left over. Looking back, yes, I can certainly see evidence of narcissism there.
The irony is that she accuses her older sister of being the malignant narcissist. Talk about projection! It's been years since I've seen or spoken to SM's sister but I feel I can say with relative certainty that she is NOT an N. She was always so kind and wonderful to me and it was sincere, unlike SM who I now realize always seemed to be putting on an act. No, I'd be willing to bet quite a lot that SM's sister is definitely not a narcissist.......but SM sure as hell is!
FOUR parents and ALL N's and not a ONE of them worth a flying furnal! Lucky me. NOT.
On a side note, I wonder if any of them know about this blog?