Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Walking on eggshells...WHY?

I got to thinking about my relationships with certain N members of my FOO last night as I was working on refinishing a couple chairs I recently found curbside and it occurred to me that just as I used to tread carefully around NM so as not to draw any fire or throw her into any of her uncalled-for N rages, I now find myself treading carefully with my SM and dad as well. At that realization, I suddenly got very angry.

I am an ADULT. I'm not a child anymore and, as an adult, I think I'm more than capable of deciding for myself things like how I live my life, how often I flush my toilet, what I eat, how I choose to wear my hair, who I choose to have in my life and speak to or not, etc. It's not for my SM or my dad or anyone else to dictate how or when I do these things and I've decided that if they have a problem with it, too bad. Again, it's not up to them.

So often, many of us take the stance of 'Don't do anything to upset the narcissist!' Heaven forbid we do anything to upset the precious N's! WHY?! By going out of our way and bending over backward to alter our natural behaviors just to satisfy them, we serve only to reinforce to them that their behavior is acceptable and a valid way for them to get what they want. It's very much the same as giving in to a young child's tantrum - all you do is show them that if they make enough fuss, they'll get what they want.

There will be no more "walking on eggshells" for me! And if SM or whoever decides to start raging at me over the phone about it, they will find themselves hung up on or, if they are here visiting, they will be asked to leave. I refuse to cater to these stupid N's anymore.


  1. Well, DA, I've walked on eggshells my whole life and my Nparents still found excuses to rage at me, put me down, and make me feel like shit emotionally. Nothing I did was ever good enough so I've given up trying and given up caring.

    Good on you! mulderfan

  2. It's amazing how we "allow" certain folks to dictate our actions and lives. I've been there myself. Being authentic means standing up and saying, "no more o' that." Nobody should EVER dictate who you can (or can't) talk to, or have a relationship with. I've let those types of things keep me from good, decent people. Complying with this type of thing just CONTINUES the dysfunction. I've recognized: this isn't a pattern I wish to continue -- the cycle stops HERE.
    BRAVO to you!!