Oh good grief!!! WHY??!!

Just heard back from my HS. Remember a few days ago when NSM told me HS was having a test for her lymphedema that was supposedly THE single most excruciatingly painful test known to all of mankind? (At least I think I posted about that here! LOL) Well surprise, surprise. Turns out NSM is full of shit!

The test HS is having is called a "lymphoscintigraphy". Quite simply, it involves a radioactive dye being injected and then taking a series of x-rays over the course of a few hours. The goal is to try and see where the blockage is in the lymph system that's causing all the swelling. Aside from an uncomfortable needle stick, it's not painful at all, according to people who've had it done.

But the lying doesn't stop there, oh no! NSM also told me that my NEF was supposed to spend the day with my HS (at her request supposedly) due to the fact that it was supposed to be so "trying" on HS, what with the high levels of "excruciating pain and all". *eye roll* According to HS, not only did she NOT request that my NEF go with her, she says that her bf is supposed to be going with her and so she doesn't need either of them there at all unless something with her plans falls through and her bf has to go into work unexpectedly, in which case she asked NSM to be on stand-by.

So, basically, NSM lied about EVERYTHING. What I don't get is WHY? What's the point? I can maybe see lying if there's some gain but what's the supposed gain in this scenario? As far as I can tell, there is none.

Honestly, these N's are so STUPID sometimes!

"Place For My Head" by Linkin Park...

Not sure why I never noticed this song before. I guess I just played the songs I liked on my Linkin Park cd and never bothered to listen to the other ones. Anyways, I was listening to my cd yesterday while doing dishes and this song came on. As I listened to the lyrics I thought to myself, 'WOW. Just....WOW.' Talk about a DoNM anthem if I've ever heard one! I especially like the part where he's screaming, "You, tried to take the best of me....GO AWAY!!!"

Take a listen for yourself here. And just in case you are unable to access links (or just don't feel like it!), here's the lyrics:

Place For My Head by Linkin Park

I watch how the moon sits in the sky on a dark night
Shining with the light from the sun
But the sun doesn't give the light to the moon assuming,
The moon's gonna owe it one
It makes me think of how you act to me
You do favors then rapidly
You just turn around and start asking me,
About things that you want back from me

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

Maybe some day I'll be just like you and
Step on people like you do
Run away all the people I thought I knew
I remember back then who you were
You used to be calm used to be strong
Used to be generous but you should've known
That you'd wear out your welcome
now you see how quiet it is all alone

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, go away
You try to take the best of me, GO AWAY


YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME
GO AWAY, YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME
GO AWAY, YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME
GO AWAY, YOU TRY TO TAKE THE BEST OF ME
GO AWAY!!!!!!

I wanna be in another place
I hate when you say you don't understand
(You'll see it's not meant to be)
I wanna be in the energy
Not with the enemy
A place for my head

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

I'm so sick of the tension
Sick of the hunger
Sick of you acting like I owe you this
Find another place to feed your greed
While I find a place to rest

Update regarding NSM...

In speaking with NSM the other day, she mentioned that she'd spoken with my HB. Apparently, he and his gf have moved in together and my NSM and NEF are extremely upset about it. LOL Actually, to say they are merely "upset" is a major understatement. More like they are LIVID about it.

According to NSM, she and HB got into it over the phone because she told him that the recent money they gave him to help with his rent would be the last time they ever helped him out financially as they "strongly disapprove of him living in sin" with his gf. *roll eyes* Now, I'm not saying they aren't entitled to their beliefs. If they feel that it's wrong to live together before marriage, that's their perogative. The problem I have is in the manner in which they've chosen to handle the whole thing. Basically, they are saying, "Unless you choose to conduct your life in the manner WE approve of, no more money." So as long as he plays the part of a good little doormat, allowing mommy and daddy to call all the shots, they will continue throwing money at him. But dare speak up or attempt to make his own decisions and have his own opinions and no more money. Talk about N bullshit!

My other, even bigger, problem that I have with the way they've chosen to handle it is that their own relationship began as an affair while my NEF was still married to my NM. Not only that but their entire life together since then has been filled with lies, theft, bigotry, neglecting to properly care for their children (mainly me, who they abandoned years ago), skipping out on debts, etc.

I was doing a bit of fooling around online the other day. Occasionally I'll type in my name or the name of someone I know and just see what comes up. For no particular reason, I typed in my dad's name and hit paydirt. Several court dockets came up for three different counties in their home state. Most of them involved my NSM and/or NEF being sued for not paying their debts, one of which was for a total of over $29,000!! There was also a couple of bankruptcy cases, one of which involved the foreclosure of their house in X city, a house my NEF and NSM still maintain they SOLD when it was clearly foreclosed on. In EVERY SINGLE CASE, my NSM and NEF made themselves scarce so that legal papers couldn't be served to them. They skipped out on accepting responsibility for what they'd done and yet they feel it's appropriate to go pointing fingers at everyone else's sins? Puh-leez!

These people have skipped out on thousands of dollars worth of debt, have lied about multiple things, began their relationship as an affair, abused their children and beat my dog repeatedly, my dad stole money from his own brother's business and also equipment from the fire department he used to work for, abandoned me for over 15 years......I could go on and on and on, I'm sure, and these same people, this man who (so I've heard) refused to serve the Holy Communion to his BLACK congregation without wearing latex surgical gloves, THESE people want to go pointing fingers and judging other people??!! WTFH??!

I so wish I could talk to my HB. If I could, I would say to him, "Good for you! Good for you for taking a stand and deciding to live your own life and make your own choices and not allowing them to control your life anymore through their money!" Sadly, my HB wants nothing to do with me as he's been told most of his 27 or so years what a horrible person/sister I was/am, how I wanted nothing to do with them, etc. NSM and NEF, these self-proclaimed "good Christian people" with their damned LIES!

They make me sick.

A few updates...

Well, dh's birthday and our anniversary have come and gone and no word from anyone, including my NSM and NF. Not really sure what to make of the whole situation. Has NSM found me online and read my posts here or on the DoNM board I frequent? Why no cards this year when, every year previous, there's been cards and, usually, a gift as well? Is she pissed about something and so purposely didn't acknowledge me because of it? If so, what could she possibly be upset with me about? I just get so tired of these constant games and don't understand why people can't just say what they're feeling instead of playing stupid games.

I can't remember if I mentioned it on here or not but my cousin - that would be my aunt N's youngest dd - got married on the 18th of September. I found out earlier on that my NM and NHS would be there. After hearing that, I couldn't help but obsess a bit that my entire N FOO would be there at my aunt's and, at some point, would certainly get together and the conversation would inevitably turn to what a wretched person I am, etc. Far be it from NM and NHS to pass up on a perfect opportunity to play victim of big, bad me. Despite trying hard to refocus my mind elsewhere, I kept drifting back to, 'I know they are up there talking about me.' It was driving me a bit nuts.

I talked with dh about what I was feeling and he said to me, "You're egocentric." I interrupted him at that point and said, "Wait just a minute there..!!" At which point HE interrupted ME and said, "Wait. You don't understand what I'm trying to say. Let me finish. You think they're all going up to your aunt N's to get together and gossip about you but you still don't get it. The truth is that THEY DON'T CARE ENOUGH ABOUT YOU TO TALK ABOUT YOU AT ALL." (He was speaking about the extended N FOO here mostly.) I should add that he truly wasn't trying to be hurtful or unkind. His tone was gentle and sympathetic. Still, my mind and body rejected what he was saying and I continued to argue that I knew my N FOO better than he did and they most definitely WERE going to take the opportunity and gossip about me.

However, after I calmed down a bit and really thought about it, I had a bit of a "lightbulb moment" - perhaps the reason I clung to the idea that they were up there badmouthing me so strongly is because it was easier to accept they hated me so strongly rather than accept the alternative which is that they don't care about me AT ALL.

WOW. Talk about a real eye opener, huh? I gotta say, that one stung a bit. I think there's still a part of me holding out though. That last grain of hope is a hard one to let go of, isn't it?

Anyways, despite that hard bit of truth hitting home, I couldn't help myself and asked my aunt N at the first opportunity whether or not I had come up in discussion. Aunt N said that I had not. Apparently, the night of the rehearsal, my NGM tripped over my cousin's puppy when it darted in front of her and fell, shattering her knee cap and cutting open her scalp pretty badly. Several of them took NGM to the ER and spent several hours there, first waiting forever and then as they got her patched up and gave her some pain meds. Then they had to get her back home and settled in, etc. At that point it was late and everyone went to bed to prepare for the wedding the next day. Since NGM was injured, she couldn't attend the wedding and NM and NSJ stayed behind at the hotel with her to care for her while everyone else went to the wedding.

I can't help but feel that the main reason I didn't come up was because the opportunity never got a chance to present itself. Had NGM not been injured and they'd all had a chance to just sit around and talk and hang out, I feel certain I would have come up at SOME point. But then, maybe that's just that last damned speck of hope talking.

The upside to NGM getting hurt is that, since she's in a fair bit of pain and will very likely require surgery soon, she couldn't be left alone as she normally would have so NM is up there - a 9 hour drive away - taking care of her for the time being. Who knows how long NM will have to be up there? In the meantime, I can't help but feel a certain freedom in knowing I can safely venture out without fear of running into NM anywhere. SO nice!

Also heard from aunt N that apparently NHS and BIL and their kids had to leave the wedding early on because my nephew threw up. As aunt N was saying goodbye, NHS made a comment to the effect of, "Oh, dn's not sick. He does this all the time for attention." !!!!! Now, supposing that what NHS said is true, wouldn't that signal to you that something is clearly wrong with your child? I know if it were me, I'd be taking ds to the doctor ASAP and if they didn't find anything, he'd be booked with a child psychologist the next day. Kids don't just make themselves throw up for attention unless something is very wrong. But, of course, in true N style, NHS and BIL look at dn with contempt instead of concern. Where they should be looking at him lovingly, they instead roll their eyes. Obviously, I see the same pattern I lived being played out all over again with dn clearly having been placed into the role of the family scapegoat. I so wish there was something I could do but I see nothing, no options. I don't even know their phone number or email addresses. NBIL changes jobs so often, who knows where he works anymore? And given that there are so many other, worse off children in need of help, I doubt Child Protective Services would give them the time of day anyhow. So sad.

Seriously??! WTF?!

As I've shared here with you all, my dh's birthday was this past Sunday and our 10th wedding anniversary was yesterday. I also mentioned how my FOO didn't acknowledge my bday when it came back in July and am mentioning now that they didn't acknowledge my anniversary this year (they have in years past) either....at least not to me.

Dh doesn't check his FB very often but got around to it yesterday and said that he had not one but two messages on his FB wall from my uncle C, one for his bday and one for our anniversary. The bday one reads, "Happy Birthday from all the Smiths" (name changed for privacy reasons) and the anniversary one read simply, "Happy Anniversary (dh's name)".

Now, perhaps I'm being "too sensitive" here but it seems pretty insulting to me that my uncle found time in his precious, super busy schedule to wish my dh a happy bday and anniversary and yet couldn't find it in himself to send a 99 cent card or email to ME, his own niece. As far as I'm concerned, this is just one more example of my N FOO going out of their way to show me how little they think of/care about me.

I'm so sick of these twisted little games they play! You don't like me? Nothing I do (or have ever done) is ever good enough for you? FINE. Then go on with your lives and leave me AND MY HUSBAND the hell alone! Don't sit there on your high horses, looking down your stuck up noses at me when all I've ever done is bend over backward and make myself physically and mentally/emotionally ILL trying to be good enough for all you people so that you'd finally love and accept me and include me in your precious "family"!

Lest anyone be confused by the situation, yes, I unfriended my extended FOO on FB shortly after going NC with my NM. I did so because I was sick of either being completely ignored by all of them and/or receiving nothing but snarky, P/A comments to things I posted. But at no point did I go NC with any of them. My email address is the same and remains unblocked to all of them and the same goes for my phone number and home address. At any time, did any of them WANT to, they could get in contact with me.

According to my aunt N - the only one who is still in contact with me - extended FOO has stated that they "don't want to get involved" in the situation between my NM and I and that, should I reach out and contact them, they won't ignore me. The thing is, they HAVE gotten involve by way of choosing sides and the side they've chosen is NM's. Dh has seen things on FB by them and I have heard things through the grapevine to the effect of them all stating that *I* need to work harder to make things right with my NM. Furthermore, I have sent out a couple of emails containing pics of ds recently and I didn't get a single response from any of them save for, once again, aunt N who, according to her, has taken some major heat from the rest of the FOO for continuing to talk to me. Aunt N won't give me specifics as she doesn't want to hurt my feelings but the basic gist is that I am the enemy and aunt N is betraying the family by talking to me and not siding with NM solely. Aunt N's position is that *I* am also family and that she loves NM AND me and, thus, refuses to choose sides.

This whole situation is so freaking STUPID and unnecessary! You know, we should have families who love and support us unconditionally. Families who love us just because we are who we are and not because of what we do/can do for them. We should be able to know we can count on them to be there for us in good times and bad. Sadly, that isn't the case at all for many of us. It's just so bloody unfair.

Feeling down...

No word whatsoever from NSM yet in regards to dh's bday this past Sunday. No phone call, no message on FB, no card, nothing. NSM is rather famous for sending cards and things late however so it still remains to be seen. Dh's and my 10th wedding anniversary is tomorrow. Perhaps NSM is waiting to take care of both at once?

Whatever the case, I find myself feeling rather disappointed that NSM and my dad didn't acknowledge dh's bday. I have said on here how I strongly expected them to acknowledge dh's bday and, after not really acknowledging mine, that I planned on possibly going NC when that happened. Now that dh's bday has passed and there's no acknowledgment from my dad and NSM, I feel almost let down.

I've felt a lot of anger toward them lately what with having memories surface and then finding out other bad things about them (or having them validated as true) and I guess I was sort of looking for a valid reason to voice my upsets? With them not acknowledging dh's bday, I sort of feel like I have no reason to bring anything up lest I be seen as "over-reacting" or whatever for bringing it up seemingly out of the blue.

Also having to do with dh's bday, I don't remember if I mentioned it on here but, when my bday came back in July, I felt largely unnoticed by everyone. Dh and ds were great, they got me cards and ds drew me a picture for my bday which was super nice but that was about where it ended. MIL wrote a stupid "Happy Birthday!" on my FB wall but did nothing else. Of course I heard nothing from NM this year and my dad and NSM gave me a quick phone call on their way somewhere else but that was it - no cards, no gifts, etc.

I guess it hit me harder this year because of being NC with my NM (and my extended FOO because of NM and NHS' lies about me). I was missing being able to share my bday with my family. (Apparently MIL and FIL had decided not to celebrate bdays anymore, which would have been fine but I felt they could have said something so that I wasn't left wondering WTH, ya know?) And then no card or gift from my dad and NSM for the first time ever since reconnecting with them approximately seven years ago. Anyway, you get the picture - I felt uncared about and largely dismissed by everyone (not including dh and ds) on what should have been a special day.

Forward to this past Sunday - dh's bday (and also my SIL's bday). Dh and ds went over to my IL's - ds to visit with my IL's and dh to watch the football game with his dad. I would have gone along but my stomach wasn't feeling that well that day so I stayed home and worked on some small things around the house. When dh came home later that day, I asked him if he ever got the bday card he was hoping for since he'd made a comment that he was hoping for at least that from his mom for his bday. Dh said, "No. But my mom DID get me a balloon. She got one for (SIL's name) too."

At that point I was like WTF??? I got a stupid message on my FB wall that said only "Happy Birthday" - which, don't get me wrong, was nice and all - but no acknowledgment beyond that, not even a quick "Happy Birthday" when we spoke later that day or the next, yet dh and SIL got balloons??

I feel rather stupid (okay, a LOT stupid) for being jealous of what was very likely two $1 balloons from the local dollar store but that's how I feel - unimportant, uncared for and dismissed. Again. I'm coming to realize that this is a very large theme in my life (and with good reason, too) and something I'm very sensitive to and about. Part of me says I have nothing to be jealous about, that it was just a stupid $1 balloon and it doesn't mean MIL cares about me any less than dh and SIL..............and yet....................there is also a part of me (maybe that little girl inside) who is saying, "Where's MY balloon?? Where was MY attention and acknowledgment on MY special day???"

Obviously it's just because I've been hurt so many times in this regard but I can't help but feel like everyone seems to go out of their way to let me know how little I mean to them. It just seems terribly unfair, like everyone else gets acknowledged except ME. Needless to say, it does not feel good.

Happy Birthday to my dh!

Happy Birthday to my awesome dh, the best husband and father a wife and son could ask for! There is no way I could have accomplished all I have, especially going NC, without the support and strength he provides. I love you forever and always B!

Love,

DA xoxo

8 months NC as of yesterday...

I can't believe it's been 8 months already. Doesn't seem like it's been that long. Crazy how the time flies.

So much has changed too. I feel....lighter, freer...less burdened down with frustration and stress. I'm not depressed like I was, though I didn't even realize I WAS depressed at that time. My anxiety levels are way down. My physical health has improved greatly. I'm sleeping better, despite occasional bouts of insomnia. I'm happier. I smile more. I feel more confident and self-assured. My mood isn't so stormy, especially with regard to my dh and ds. And for the first time in a long time, maybe ever, I think I finally know what is it to feel relaxed and content.

On the downside, there's still a part of me that misses my mom. So many times, certain times more so than others, I'd like to just be able to pick up a phone and call her and just chat about the small stuff - what's been going on with her, how's her jewelry business going, tell her how my dog is doing, what I've been up to, how ds is doing, tell her that ds lost two teeth already and has started preschool, etc. I miss those rare good moments we had, just sitting and talking or going antique shopping together.

The thing is, for us to ever have any kind of relationship again, NM would have to be willing to change her old, toxic behaviors. At the very, very least, she'd have to back off when I put my foot down and asked her to stop saying or doing something that violated one of my boundaries. But, at least in the past, any attempts to put my foot down - no matter how politely or respectfully it's done - has been seen as a challenge to NM which she then goes out of her way to violate in an effort to put me in my place and show me who's boss.

NM has always been a "taker" in relationships which, in and of itself wouldn't be so bad necessarily provided she also GAVE a little in return. But NM doesn't give anything to anyone except herself and, at least in my opinion, a relationship - at least one with any hope of working - MUST be give and take from both parties. Otherwise, it's a lot like paddling on only one side of the boat - you just go in circles and never get anywhere!

It's been 8 months of no contact from me. Half that time would be more than enough to make most people stop and think and usually rethink a few things and maybe make some changes. Not NM. My FIL came to visit yesterday while he was on this side of town and he mentioned to me that he'd been out getting the mail the other day when who should happen to drive by their house but NM! FIL said he waved but figured NM must not have seen him because she just looked straight ahead and drove on by.

Now, I happen to know for a fact that NM has ZERO reason to drive down their street. She doesn't know anyone who lives there and it's not on her way to anywhere she'd be going. There is another street about a block down that intersects my IL's street that NM occasionally uses when she goes to visit NHS and BIL but, if she were coming or going from there, there still wouldn't be any reason to turn down my IL's street which tells me that NM drove by with the sole intention of spying. I'm sure she saw FIL long before he noticed her and figured she show him by just driving by and refusing to acknowledge him, as if her ignoring him is some kind of rejection or punishment. LOL

I have to say, it saddened me a bit to hear about this situation because it reconfirmed what I guess I already knew - that even 8 months later, NM hasn't changed a bit and never will. I've realized that, while I wasn't conscious of it at the time, I think I had hoped somewhat that the act of going NC this long would have been a major shakeup to NM and would cause her to wake up and finally "get it". I didn't expect some miraculous complete cure but I guess I thought that maybe it would change her just enough that I could go back to having a relationship with her that was bearable. However, it's becoming clearer all the time that that isn't going to happen.

I wonder if I'll ever speak to my NM again. Will we live out the rest of our lives, never seeing or speaking to one another ever again? The thought of that just makes me very sad. Not enough to break NC at this point but I still mourn what might have been.

It's my son's first day of preschool today...

Today ds started preschool. He was very excited and has been looking forward to today for a couple of weeks now. I woke him up at 8:00am, got him some breakfast and then we both got ready to leave. His nana came to see him off as well (and to let us use her car since we only own one and dh needs it for work). We left the house at 8:45am and arrived at his school ten minutes later. He went straight in, walked right to his classroom and in he went without a care in the world. He was kind enough to humor his nana and I for some goodbye hugs and kisses. Overall, he looked a tiny bit unsure but seemed excited to begin this new adventure.

It struck me, as I watched him today, just how different he is from me when I was his age. I don't remember if I cried or not on my first day of school but I remember feeling very panicky to be separated from my NM. I was nervous, painfully shy and would much rather have been home than at school any ole day. Because I was so inept socially, I did not make friends easily and, unfortunately, was also the target of many a school bully. From kindergarten through my senior year of high school, my school experience was hellish. I HATED school.

Ds on the other hand, seems so sure of himself, so independent. It's bittersweet, of course, because while I'm glad he's independent, it also stings just a little bit that he doesn't need me as much as he used to. He's a bit reserved but, once someone talks to him, he's quite friendly and seems to make friends easily. I think that school for him is going to be a wonderful experience. Years from now, I think he'll look back with fondness on his school days. At least that is my hope for him.

I'm sitting here at home right now trying hard not to cry. LOL I'm happy that my baby is growing up and away from me and yet, it's a bit sad too. He's been my bestest buddy and sidekick for four years now....until today and I must admit, I miss him. I don't know if he's just a good kid or if my feelings for him have more to do with my own past but, truth be told, I ENJOY spending time with my ds. I hear other parents say how much they cherish their time away from their kids - not me. I know it's an essential part of him growing up and so I make sure he gets to go to his nana and papa's on the weekend all day Saturday (and sometimes Sundays too!) and that he goes to school but I still don't like it and miss him terribly when he's away from me.

It's times like these that I wish I had a mother I could call up and share how I'm feeling. I wish I could reveal my sadness at my ds growing up and she would say, "Yes. I remember those days too. Like you, I was also sad and felt like crying a little but, don't worry, it gets a little easier." She'd comfort and reassure me and then would switch the subject so I'd get distracted and not focus on my sadness. Maybe she'd even come over to keep me company so I wouldn't have to sit here alone, counting down the minutes until I can pick my baby up from school.

Days like these, I sure do miss having a mom. :(

Motherhood and the NM...

Had a thought today as I was getting ready to go out. Motherhood, in a way, is kind of a thankless job. Don't get me wrong, there are a ton of perks and I wouldn't change being a mother for anything in the world. It's the best job I've ever had. But one doesn't generally get much in the way of recognition for all that we mothers do. If you're lucky, your kid(s) will possibly thank you once they are grown and/or have their own kids but, generally speaking, it's not like a job in the outside workplace where one might get a raise or an award or something for their accomplishments.

Given that, it occurred to me that maybe that's a large part of the reason so many NM's are such poor mothers. For most of us, the reward comes with seeing our child(ren) happy. It comes in seeing them succeed and thrive. In watching them develop and become individuals. Basically, all of the things that NM's could care less about and, in fact, seem to go out of their way to squash.

Since NM's are so keen to receive praise and adulation - and since most kids and teenagers are more apt to give complaints than thanks - it could explain in part why they are so resentful of their child(ren).

Just a thought but I found it interesting enough to share!

This could well be the final straw...

Can't remember if I've ever mentioned my HB (half bro) on here before or not. My dad and SM have two kids between then, my HS and HB. I am on good terms with my HS and we speak when we can find the time. She's very busy with work and raising her daughter so time is scarce but, when we're able to talk, we get along well and are pretty close.

My HB on the other hand, I haven't really spoken to in 20-some years. When I last saw him, I think he was 3 years old. That was the last time I visited my dad before he cut contact with me and we wound up not speaking for 17 years or so. Since reconnecting with my dad, I've tried on many occasions to speak with my HB but he isn't really interested. I did get one or two emails from him that were very brief and it was clear he was/is really angry. The gist I got at that time, and my understanding since then, was that my HB's main issue with me - why he wasn't willing to have anything to do with me - was that he had sent me a letter in first grade and I never responded. I explained to him at the time that I never received any letter and, if I had, I would of course have responded but he refused to respond to my attempts to speak with him further and I, out of respect for his wishes, stopped trying to contact him.

So I found out last night from a mutual contact that the actual reason my HB is upset with me is because, years ago when I was about 15 and made an effort to reconnect with my dad and we met up, my dad apparently told my HS and HB that I would be coming by to see them that night and I never showed. I was completely LIVID upon hearing this because my dad knew damn well at the time that that was not the case. I had specifically told him that I wanted to meet with just him at that point and that, if things went well, then we could talk about my seeing the kids also. I specifically did it this way because I felt, even at 15, that it would be cruel to bring them in early on when it was possible things wouldn't work out and I could walk away. I knew they'd be devastated if that happened and so I purposely told my dad that I did not want to meet with the kids. And that unbelievable bastard when and LIED to them and told them I said I was coming and then made it seem as if I changed my mind and didn't show up.

Is it any wonder my HB wants nothing to do with me, that he doesn't want to risk being hurt by me again, after being LIED to all these years by my dad and SM? And yet SM and my dad sit there on their f**king high horses acting as if I'M the one who needs to make amends with my HB, as if I'M the one who ran it off track as well as reaming my HB because he's not willing to just forget what he's been told about me all these years and suddenly want to be all close with me.

At this point I don't much care if I ever speak to either dad or SM again. I'm sure SM will be calling sometime in the next few days. I don't plan on picking up.

I think I mentioned that my dad and SM didn't acknowledge my bday. Well, they called for a few minutes to say Happy Birthday but the card SM promised would be here, albeit late, never came nor did any gift of a check which is their usual these days. The few times I made conversation about what I got from dh or that my chiropractor sent me a card for a free adjustment for my bday, SM just blew it off and said nothing. I feel certain that they'll be sending dh a card and check for his upcoming bday on the 15th of this month and, when that happens, I planned to go NC at that time thinking that would be my final straw. However, after finding out what I did about my HB yesterday, I'm not so sure an extra 14 days is even necessary.