What a day!

My aunt N and GM were supposed to be coming into town today. The plan was that they'd swing by and visit with me for the day before continuing on to NM's house where they'd spend the next couple nights before heading back home Thursday morning. Well, I got an email from my aunt N at around 11am this morning saying that they unfortunately had to cancel the trip. Apparently my GM woke up this morning claiming she was feeling dizzy and just generally unwell so my aunt N said she'd contact NM and I to let us know they were canceling the trip. However, aunt N suspects GM of playing games and faking apparently as she claims GM perked up and miraculously "felt better" once the trip was called off. Not sure what is up with that but aunt N promised to write more to me later about it.

On the upside, aunt N said that she'll be coming down in a couple of week by herself to visit and that, since GM won't be with her, maybe she could stay in town longer.

With aunt N coming at around the same time NSM and my dad are supposed to be in town, I contacted NSM to try and nail down exactly when they were coming so that I could plan accordingly as we were planning to have ds' birthday party while they were here. NSM was her usual bitchy self, said that they were coming either the 8th or the 9th of April and would stay through the following Friday. She went on to say that they would come to see us on that Sunday - mind you, no asking if that day was convenient for us, just telling me when she'd be here - and then went on about how she wanted to go all over town to take ds here and there to shop for birthday gifts. Then she wants to take him to Chuck E. Cheese - not to eat, just to play for a bit - and then says we can all go out for dinner someplace.

Now, first and foremost, I don't go "all over town" and I especially can't be out that long as so much walking makes my back hurt something fierce. Furthermore, I don't do Chuck E. Cheese due to the crowds and noise - same goes for ds - as well as due to the fact that it's near a large mall here in town. Anyone who lives around here knows that you avoid that part of town like the plague on a weekend due to the insane (and I do mean INSANE) traffic in that area because of the mall. Lastly, I don't go out to eat anywhere. Partly due to my anxiety issues but also because, since changing my diet for the better about a year ago, I can no longer tolerate a lot of foods which results in bad gastrointestinal issues, if you catch my drift.

NSM knows all these things but, I'm guessing, just doesn't care. Never in my life have a met a couple of ruder people. Honestly, they blow into town, generally on short notice, and announce they can only make it over on one day and then just expect us to cater to their every whim without the slightest care or concern about whether or not it's something WE want to do or can afford or whatever. I wouldn't DREAM of going to visit someone, family or otherwise, and just expect them to turn their entire lives/routine upside down to accommodate me. But, then, I'm not a narcissist.

Oh, I almost forgot. NSM basically all but came out and said that a) she didn't want to do a party for ds' birthday and b) that she didn't want me to invite dh's family over because "she and dad just wanted to visit with us and ds and didn't want to have to share ds with dh's family". Now, on the one hand, I can understand how they'd want their own time with ds without dh's family around since they are coming from out of state to see him, all the more so since dh's family gets to see ds all the time. But holy overstepping of boundaries, Batman! As if it's NSM's place to tell me when to have a birthday party for MY son and who to invite!

I told dh that we could decide together whether or not to have the birthday party that weekend. As for NSM's other plans for that day, she can go suck eggs. We will be eating something at home prepared at home by me. If NSM and my dad want to order in, then that's fine but we will not be going out anywhere. I'm fine with going to one store - say, Target or Walmart or whatever this side of town - to let ds shop for a gift for his birthday but I'm not going anywhere near the mall, Chuck E. Cheese or that side of town. If NSM and my dad don't like it, they can either just deal with it or stay at their friend's house and not come at all. Bottom line, I am DONE catering to them. 

Just to be clear, I have ZERO problem being a gracious hostess for my guests and I do the same for anyone who comes here. But there's also such a thing as being a gracious guest and NSM and my dad are just too much. You don't blow into someone else's home expecting to take over total control and have everything go YOUR way, at least I don't. That's just disrespectful and I refuse to tolerate it anymore.

MIL actually had the gall to expect that she'd come by to visit with ds as usual before work even though my out of state guests would be here! When I attempted to compromise and told her she was welcome earlier in the day before my guests arrived, she said that she had to be at work at 3:00 pm today and "wouldn't take up much of their visitation time with ds"!!! I again told her she was welcome before the company came to which she replied she had a hair appointment that morning. I told her that was too bad and I guessed we'd just see her the following day on Wednesday.

Forward to this morning, MIL called at least a half dozen times to speak to ds to tell him how much she missed him. At one point, she asked to speak to me and said that if my company arrived and left early to let her know so she could come by to visit ds before work. I told her that even if they arrived early, I sincerely doubted they'd be gone before 3:00 pm and repeated we'd see her the following day.

Honestly, I just don't get this woman's over-attachment to my son! I mean, really, WTF??! It's not like she was going out of the country for a couple months and wouldn't see him, we're talking about ONE DAY.

I have to say, I'm REALLY looking forward to my SIL and BIL's baby being born and MIL taking over full care of the baby during the day. I think it will be good for her to spend some time apart from ds as well as for him to be spending his days in school with kids his own age. Though, I have to day, while ds enjoys his "nana" coming to play with him, he's not the one freaking out if she goes out of town for a weekend or can't come by every day. He'll occasionally make a comment that he wishes nana was coming over to play with him that day but, for the most part, he doesn't seem to care all that much. It's my MIL, the supposed adult, who freaks out and goes through withdrawals if she can't see him every single day. Sheesh.

Wish the end of the day would hurry up and get here. I am looking forward to this day being over and going to bed tonight!

An ode to NSM and all the other N's in my life....

This one's for you!

Here's the lyrics. I warn you beforehand, they are explicit! ;o)

L7 - "Shitlist"

When I get mad
And I get pissed
I grab my pen
And I write out a list
Of all the people
That won’t be missed
You’ve made my shitlist

For all the ones
Who bum me out
Shitlist
For all the ones
Who fill my head with doubt
Shitlist
For all the squares who get me pissed
Shitlist
You’ve made my shitlist

Shitlist
Shitlist

When I get mad
And I get pissed
Shitlist
I grab my pen
And write out a list
Shitlist
Of all you assholes
Who won’t be missed
Shitlist
You’ve made my shitlist

Shitlist
Shitlist

Finally, some GOOD news!

Was talking with my aunt N last night via email and she revealed that she and my GM are coming down next week for a quick visit! They will be staying with NM and had planned to come by and visit with me after leaving NM's but, after rethinking it, were afraid NM would whine about wishing she could come with them and/or follow them in the hopes of catching a glimpse of me and ds, SO....they decided to come and see me first. They will be here sometime early Tuesday, spend the day with ds and I (and hopefully dh) and then go on to NM's house where they will spend the night and the following night before heading home Thursday morning.

I am so excited they are coming! I can't wait! One thing that really struck me though was, when I think of my aunt N and GM coming for a visit, I feel only anxious excitement. That is, the GOOD kind of anxiety. Totally unlike what I feel when I think of my dad and NSM's impending visit - tense, stressful anxiety that makes me feel almost afraid and looking for a way to get out of the visit. When that realization hit me, I was like, "Wow. That speaks volumes, doesn't it?"

I guess that the happy anxiety I feel when I think of my aunt N and GM visiting is how it's supposed to feel when you hear family will be coming. Makes me realize just how dysfunctional my relationships with my dad and NSM actually are. :oS

Another installment of NSM being a bitch...

Was lying in bed this morning when the phone rang. I answered and it was NSM. We chatted briefly and then she asked what was up and mentioned that I sounded stressed. I told her, yes, that I was stressed, mainly due to DS being sick but also due to the new stress of having to find a way to come up with enough money to purchase a second car months sooner than we'd anticipated. I should have known not to expect any sympathy from her.

Her "magical solution" was to tell us to go buy a used Vespa for dh to drive back and forth to work. Seriously?? Dh drives 25 - 30 minutes to work one way each day and has to travel a busy, six lane highway for a large part of that trek. And what about the days when the weather would be bad, which is often this time of year where we live?

I told her that wouldn't work for us and that dh would likely get a second job on the weekends for now to save up some money. NSM's response was a snarky comment that, "A Vespa would be cheaper." I said that the alternative would be that I'd have to get up at 5am in order to get DS and I ready in time to take dh to work. NSM said snottily, "Well you have to do what you have to do! I had to do that when your dad worked at the fire department you know. I had to get all three of you kids up and get you ready and then drop your dad off at work so that I could have the car and then do it again the next morning to pick him up." This, of course, was said in that condescending, N tone that's made to let you know that you are a stupid, immature, SPOILED, selfish little girl who needs to grow up and stop acting like such a disappointing child. I'm sure you all know exactly what I'm talking about.

Moving on, she says that she spoke with my sister last night. I asked how she was and mentioned that I'd sent her an email about the cabinets several days ago and still not heard back from her. Not hearing back from my sister almost right away is unusual as she usually gets back to me within two days, tops, and it had been over a week at this point. According to NSM, my sister and her bf have decided to put off tearing out the old kitchen cabinets until the first week of May which, coincidentally, is just two weeks after my NSM and dad will be in town here. When I didn't say anything, NSM then added that she and my dad had supposedly discussed the cabinet situation and felt that they likely wouldn't be able to fit them in the car anyway so, either way, it was a no-go.

The whole thing REEKED of BS to me. Every built-in BS detector in my body was sounding off it's alarm. Is it possible that my sister and her bf really have decided to put off the renovation until the first week of May? Sure. But it's a hell of a lot more likely that NSM is full of it, especially since she's been opposed to the idea from day one. The second I told her she immediately set to saying that she didn't know if the car they rented would accommodate the cabinets, etc. Basically, she was trying to get out of it from the get-go. 

What pisses me off is that, yet again, my P's insist on LYING instead of just telling me the truth. Had NSM just said, for example, that they had a lot to do in the two weeks leading up to their visit what with getting their two elderly mothers set up in assisted living, etc. and that it just wasn't realistic to take a 4 hour round-trip detour to my sister's to pick up the cabinets before coming here, I'd have been disappointed but I could have taken that. Instead, I get some obvious BS story about the renovation being put off until two weeks after their trip down here and then the same flimsy excuse about how the car they rent might not be able to fit the cabinets, etc. And that's the real issue here - my anger is less about not getting the stupid cabinets than it is that I was lied to yet again by my P's. They are always saying how smart I have always been and still am yet they apparently think I'm stupid enough to buy their ridiculously transparent lies or, at the very least, not deserving of getting the truth. 

So anyways, I make a comment that I guess I'll just have to fore-go the storage I had been needing and NSM says, "Can't your FIL build you some cabinets or shelving or something?" I said, "With what money??? I spent the money I had set aside for shelving on much needed clothing when dad said he would bring me those cabinets. Yes, my FIL could build me something but I'd have to purchase the supplies and I don't have the extra money now." NSM just snorted something that was intended to be an "Oh well."

Am seriously SO freaking pissed off right now. I'm actually thinking of calling up my dad and asking him point blank what is up with the cabinets because first he says he can bring them, then NSM finds out and immediately sets to poo-poo'ing the idea and now I'm apparently not getting them. That would only cause more drama with NSM though and I so do not feel like putting up with her crap anymore. 

Seriously, the very next time she calls and mentions only getting down here one day, I'm going to say to her, "Ya know what NSM? I'll make it even easier on you, you don't have to come here at all since it's obviously such a huge imposition on your precious time with your friends. Quite frankly, I don't WANT you to come anymore. So don't worry about taking time out of your precious and 'desperately needed' relaxation time with your friends to bother with coming to visit us for a few hours. Just stay there and enjoy your stupid vacation." *click* Bitch.

As for my dad, I'm about ready to say to hell with him too. The cabinets were HIS idea. I didn't ask about them, he suggested it to me and said he could bring them down. And now, because his stupid wife can't be bothered to do me a simple favor, he's cow-towing to her will and letting her have her way again just to keep the peace so she doesn't come down on him. To the point that he's going to allow her to dictate that he can't come see his own firstborn daughter for more than a few hours on one stinking day of a 10 day long vacation just because SHE doesn't want to and/or can't be bothered. If their stupid friends are that freaking important to them then FINE, they can spend ALL their time with THEM. 

I hope they both have explosive diarrhea the entire time they're here! HA! 

Test results and more stress...

And the results are.........NOT PREGNANT! Whew!! At least that's one worry off my mind. I did forget to mention another worry in my post yesterday though. My soon-to-be-5-years-old ds has been having some speech issues with minor stuttering recently. It started a couple years ago and, at the time, the pediatrician said it was normal for his age being that he was really just beginning to fully talk, etc. However, over the past couple of years, it's gotten worse and is now more interspersed throughout his sentences. He's also unable to make proper "R" and "L" (they come out more like W sounding) which he should apparently be able to do at his age. I found out through his preschool teacher that the state offers free evaluations for city residents and, after much preparation and paperwork, I took him to be evaluated.

After the first evaluation, which checked all areas of development, they felt there was enough of an issue with his speech to warrant a more thorough evaluation focusing specifically on speech. So it was back to the place for another evaluation last week. As it stands now, they feel there is a definite issue and he will begin speech therapy in the next couple of weeks.

That is stressful enough on me (while not super serious and, I'm told, easily fixed, one still never likes to know there's something wrong with their baby), but because dh and I only have one car, I now have the added stress of trying to arrange transportation on those extra days that we'd normally be able to stay home. *sigh*

I've been on the phone half the morning with MIL and dh trying to figure something out. For the next two months, I will still have access to MIL's car. However, my SIL is due in early June at which point MIL will no longer work because she'll be taking over full-time child care duties for my BIL and SIL as her new job. MIL not working means no more use of her car. 

Which brings dh and I to having to figure out what to do. Our options are a) I wake up at 5am every morning in order to have enough time to get ds and I ready to take dh to work....OR...b) we somehow come up with enough money to buy a second car. With me not working - and unable to work at this time due to this damned anxiety issue - that likely means dh taking on a second job to make ends meet which means we - ds and I - get to see even less of him than we already do. Poo.

On the bright side, dh says that FIL broached the subject with him last weekend while he was there for SIL's baby shower and that, by the way FIL was talking, dh highly suspects that FIL is planning on helping us with the purchase of a new car. Am praying my behind off that it works out that way. I don't like to assume or expect my IL's to help us out but it would be super dee duper awesome if they volunteered cause we could sure use it right now!

Edited to add, I just got up to go open the front door to see what the weather was like outside and, as I opened the door, the little ball part sticking out from the "loop lock" on our door hit me in the forehead. HARD. Oww!

For those who have no idea what I'm talking about, a "loop lock" (which is what I call it) looks like this:

See that little ball-shaped thingy on the end of that one piece there? Well, I now have a similar shaped dent/bruise in the middle of my forehead. Thank goodness I have bangs and you can't see it that easily. Now if only the throbbing pain in my forehead would disappear as easily. :o(

*sigh* Really wishing I could just go back to bed today and not get back up till everything's less stressful again!

If it's not one N, it's another...

This time it's SM. Don't know if I'd label her full on NPD but she certainly has a HELL of a lot of N tendencies at the very least. 

Background info: SM and my dad are planning a trip down here to my state around the middle of April. They will be staying with friends who live the next town over, about a 45 minute drive from my house, for approximately ten days. DS will have a birthday while they are in town and they will be coming to the party.

Since announcing their trip about a month ago or so, SM has said many times now over and over that they will only make it down to my town for one day - the day of ds' birthday party - during their entire trip because, according to SM, she and my dad are "in desperate need of some serious rest and relaxation". The unspoken implication being that they apparently can't get rest and relaxation at my house and/or in my presence. At least that's how I'm hearing it.

SM has pulled this crap the last couple of times they've made it down to my state from where they live in Ohio and, each time, I'm left feeling like an afterthought. As if taking the time out to visit with me is a major inconvenience to her precious (and desperately needed!) "vacation time" with her stupid friends.

In their defense, my dad and SM's personalities are the total opposite of mine and dh's. SM especially likes to always be on the go. She and my dad are the sort of people who begin each day with a plan or daily agenda of things they want to do that day. Not so with dh and I who are "homebodies" and much prefer staying around the house to going out. We don't plan much in the way of daily activities. If we need to go out and get something, then we go but we don't really get all into going out and doing stuff daily like my dad and SM do. Then again, since SM seems to be so hell bent on some serious R & R, I should think dh's and my personalities would play right into that...?

A couple of weeks ago, while talking with my dad on the phone, I mentioned that I was in need of some kind of storage for my sunroom/playroom. My dad said that my sister and her bf were tearing out all their old kitchen cabinets and that he'd be happy to bring 3 or 4 of them with him when they came down next month. I was ecstatic as my budget is quite minimal and this would save me a ton of money. Since SM heard about it however, she's been trying to nix the idea. First it was that she didn't know if they'd have room in the car they'd be renting. (For the record, they always rent a mini van. ALWAYS.) Then it was that my sister was supposedly unsure if I still wanted them or not which I solved by emailing my sister and telling her I still wanted them. Now SM is trying to claim that my sister feels it would be "too out of the way" for SM and my dad to come get them to bring down here. Now, my sister does live about a 2 hour drive from dad and SM but SM (and also dad on occasion) go visit them all the time. I should also like to add that these are the sort of people - my dad and SM, that is - who at one point drove 3 hours round trip every Sunday to go to a church 1 1/2 hours away simply because they liked it better than any closer to home. Given all that, I hardly think 2 hours drive the week or two before coming down here is that big a deal. Consequently, I will be SHOCKED if I wind up getting the damned cabinets.

There's also the issue that my dad is getting up in years. He just recently celebrated his 60th birthday. That may not seem so old to many of you but there are other things to take into account: 

1) I missed out on 15+ years of my dad being in my life. Long story but, suffice it to say, that it was in large part due to NM and NSJ's antics, though my dad obviously bears much responsibility for his own actions as well. 

2) The last time my dad and SM came down to visit, I only got to spend about 20 - 30 minutes time visiting with my dad. He and dh spent over 16 hours over the course of two days working to repair a shower fixture that kept giving them problems. Once it was finally finished, had SM gotten her way, they'd have hit the road right then but my dad insisted on waiting until dh, ds and MIL got back home to say goodbye to them which gave me 20 - 30 minutes to spend with my dad. Actually, had SM gotten her way, they never would have come back over the second day in the first place. SM made it clear the entire time - both days - that she didn't want to be there and she bitched and complained about EVERYTHING. (I know I posted about that on here somewhere. I'll have to find it and link it to this post.)

3) Considering that I don't travel due to my agoraphobia/anxiety and panic issues as well as that, on average, my dad and SM only make it down to my state about once every 3 years (and then for only ONE day), I don't have much time left with my dad. 

4) Perhaps most important of all, my dad is the only parent I have in my life anymore now that I was forced to go NC with my NM. Add it all up and it's extremely important to me that I get to spend as much time as possible with my dad.

This whole situation has left me feeling very hurt (rejected) and angry. Just the other day SM was going on and on about how she can't wait till they can go on vacation and how excited she is to see us, blah blah. I felt like saying to her, "Oh please! You're so excited to see me that you can only be bothered to make it to my house for a few measly hours on ONE stinking day? Yeah, I can really feel the love!" And speaking of a few measly hours, I already mentioned that the day they plan to come - the one day SM can spare - is the day of ds' birthday party. A party I'LL be hosting and preparing all the food for beforehand. Exactly how much time am I going to have to spend visiting with my father when I'm entertaining and being a good hostess to a houseful of people? Not only that but SM has the gall to say that, rather than just bring a gift or give ds the money, she wants us all - dh, ds and I - to go out shopping half the day beforehand so that ds can shop and pick out some stuff for his bday from them. 

I'll be lucky if I get a mere 15 minutes of the entire day to spend catching up and visiting with my dad. I'm so upset about this whole thing I could just cry.

And as if all THIS isn't bad enough, I have a heap of other stressors on my plate at the moment. DS is sick again and if he's not better by tomorrow, it's back to the doctor yet again. I haven't had a period in over two months and am starting to worry if, despite our best efforts to be responsible, I'm pregnant. I had a pregnancy scare a few months back and was surprised to find out just how much I liked my life the way it was and didn't want to have another baby. Of course, in time, I'd warm to the idea and would love the new baby as much as ds but, given the choice, I just really don't want another baby and am very stressed worrying about whether I am or not. (For the record, MIL gets off work at 4pm today and will be bringing me a pregnancy test so I can find out for sure one way or the other.)

AND, as I think I already posted here, NM called last week (or was it the week before?) and I've been stressed since then that she'll call back. Granted, her reason for attempting to contact me was a legitimate one but I'm worried that it will put me back in the forefront of her mind and may cause her to try and reach out or otherwise get in contact again. My worry is all the more so with ds' birthday coming up soon. At the very least, I'm sure a package for ds will arrive on our doorstep from NM soon and even that is enough to stress me out further.

Ugh. At least my house is clean. Don't know about you all but looking around at a house that's in total disarray wreaks havoc on my already stressed out nerves!

Am looking forward to bed tonight..........and hoping ds' fever goes away and stays gone by morning!

Found out why NM called...

Apparently, some app that I had used a long time ago on Facebook recently sent out a bunch of spam emails claiming to be from me, that I wanted to add (person's name) to my family list. Not sure why it did this out of the blue and am even more unsure why it was asking for acceptance from people who were already on my list but apparently, according to my aunt N, NM received one of these emails and thought maybe I was opening a door to her or whatever.

In all honesty, I feel kind of bad in one regard that NM may have been misled or hurt in some way by the spam email. I really don't feel any need to hurt her at this point as I've pretty much let go of most of my anger toward her. Still, I'm hesitant to break NC to explain the situation to her because I don't want her to think that a door is being opened and that it's now okay for her to contact me.

As I sat soaking in a hot bath last night, I found myself thinking of the situation. With NM, it's not exactly a "Jekyl/Hyde" type of thing because they were more like two separate people. In NM's case, it's more like she is two people simultaneously - on the one side we have a small, weak woman who is in a lot of pain while on the other, we have this nasty, evil, hateful creature of a woman who thrives on others' pain. It's the first "personality" or whatever that I find myself feeling sorry for and wanting to contact to explain to.

Not sure what I'll wind up doing at this point. So far, I know I don't want to be the one to contact her first but am thinking I may make a single allowance for her should she email me or call me again. Don't know what I'd do in the moment though. Could be I'd panic or react completely differently then versus how I feel now. Whatever the case, I'm trying to focus on what *I* want and remain true to myself.

NM just rang...

Was on the phone long distance when I heard the beep that signals an incoming call. I looked at caller ID and was a bit surprised to see it was NM calling. I had planned to let the machine get it but it never got to that point - NM rang only twice and then hung up. MIL says that she thinks NM chickened out! LOL

I wonder just what she's up to now. DS' bday is coming up in about a month and if I remember correctly, she started pestering me about this time last year. Of course, then I was only NC for a couple months and it's now been over a year. If she's expecting to be allowed to drop off a gift for DS or come to his party, she's even crazier than I think she is.

The good news is that I was barely phased by the whole thing where I thought I'd have been stricken with momentary panic and anxiety. Instead, it was more of a feeling of, "Hmm. That's interesting."

Guess we'll have to wait and see if she calls back or emails me. If she's going to be starting back up with her crap again, it may just be time for that formal NC letter to be sent...

Another DoNM anthem...

Christina Aguilera's "Fighter"

This one's for you NFOO. Thanks for making me a fighter!

After all you put me through
You'd think I'd despise you
But in the end I wanna thank you
'Cause you made that much stronger

Well I thought I knew you
Thinking that you were true
Guess I, I couldn't trust called your bluff
Time is up, 'cause I've had enough

You were there by my side
Always down for the ride
But your joy ride just came down in flames
'Cause your greed sold me out in shame, mmm hmm

After all of the stealing and cheating
You probably think that
I hold resentment for you
But uh uh, oh no, you're wrong

'Cause if it wasn't for all
That you tried to do
I wouldn't know just how capable I am to pull through
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Never saw it coming
All of your backstabbing
Just so, you could cash in on a good thing
Before I'd realized your game

I heard you're going 'round
Playin' the victim now
But don't even begin feelin' I'm the one to blame
'Cause you dug your own grave

After all of the fights and the lies
Guess you're wanting to hurt me
But that won't work anymore
No more, uh uh, it's over

'Cause if it wasn't for all of your torture

I wouldn't know how to be this way now
And never back down
So I wanna say thank you

'Cause it
Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

How could this [mother] I thought I knew
Turn out to be just so cruel?
Could only see the good in you
Pretended not to see the truth

You tried to hide your lies
Disguise yourself through
Living in denial
But in the end you'll see
You won't stop me

I am a fighter
(I'm a fighter)
I ain't gonna stop
(I ain't gonna stop)
There is no turning back
I've had enough

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Thought I would forget
But I, I remember
Yes I remember
I'll remember

Thought I would forget
But I remember
Yes I remember
I'll remember

Makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter

Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
Makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

Had to share some exciting news...

Just had to share some exciting news (especially since you never know when NFOO may be lurking!). As some of you may know from past posts, my husband is a very talented artist. He's had some minor published jobs so far with small, independent individuals. Well, that may soon change as my hubby has received an email from none other than MARVEL comics recently! Nothing concrete yet but he's been invited to "audition" for them by doing some faux cover work. They're obviously interested in the work he submitted a while ago, hence why they contacted him with this opportunity. We are SO hoping and praying that this works out for him. Please keep us in your prayers or good thoughts (or whatever your preference) that this turns into a great opportunity for him!

On a bit of a side note, when I told my aunt N about this, she was super excited and said she wouldn't let it leak to N FOO yet because she didn't want to "jinx the good ju ju" but that as soon as dh was published, she planned to buy up multiple copies and make sure they made their way to NFOO! HA! Gotta love aunt N!

Feeling the need for some DoNM anthem music...

Changed a couple tiny parts of this in the lyrics, like where it says "my mama taught me better than that", etc. Otherwise, I'm totally feeling this today.

(**Note: Sorry about the video not fitting properly. I've tried resizing and reloading it multiple times now and it keeps showing up wrong.**)




 
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm wishin' you the best
Pray that you are blessed
Bring much success, no stress, and lots of happiness
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon blast you on the radio
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon lie on you and your family
(I'm better than that)
I'm not gon hate on you in the magazines
('m better than that)
I'm not gon compromise my Christianity
(I'm better than that)
You know I'm not gon diss you on the internet
Cause I'm better than that

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

(Beyonce)
Oh (oh) oh (oh)...

After of all of the darkness and sadness
Soon comes happiness
If I surround my self with positive things
I'll gain prosperity

I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm not gon give up (What?)
I'm not gon stop (What?)
I'm gon work harder (What?)
I'm a survivor (What?)
I'm gonna make it (What?)
I will survive (What?)
Keep on survivin' (What?)

Sweet validation!

MIL came today to pick up ds and take him to her house to visit today at my suggestion so that I wouldn't have to be around her here at the house. Plus it gives me and dh some time to ourselves so, win-win for everyone. As I was making sure ds was properly buckled in, MIL says to me, "Sorry I was so bold yesterday about the therapy thing. I was out of line." !!! 

So it would seem my intuition about MIL's tone and the look on her face was CORRECT! HA HA! Take that dh! LOL

As for MIL, I told her it was forgotten but made it clear that I'd spent too many years of my life putting everyone and everything above myself and that, at this point in my life, my becoming the best mother, wife and me I can be is my main priority - second to ds of course - PERIOD. MIL nodded in agreement and then she and ds left.

So, YAY me and good on MIL for acknowledging her error yesterday and apologizing. Confirms that my suspicions that she's not really full on NPD were right after all. *wink*

I don't care what dh says, I heard a tone...

So MIL was over today. Dh couldn't get off of work and ds had a doctor's appointment so MIL came over so we could use her car to get ds to his appointment.

We were all sitting around at home afterward and the phone rang. It was my new therapist returning my call to set up my first appointment (March 19th at 9am - ACK!!). After I hung up with him, I went into the living room where dh and MIL were and said to MIL to try and get that day off of work if she could as I really wanted dh to go with me as he is my "safe" person with regard to my anxiety. MIL says, "That won't work." Her reasoning is that that is the date of her niece's baby shower - which she's not attending - but it's also the day she planned to have a small, early baby shower for my SIL since extended family would be in town for the other shower already. (The second shower for SIL is a very small, informal affair and is being scheduled around the other one so as not to cause any conflict. Still, stealing her niece's thunder just for convenience sake does seem a bit N to me!)

At any rate, here's where the snarky tone comes in. After relaying the information above, MIL says (in that condescending, smart ass "tone" that all us DoNM's are familiar with), "But if your thing is more important...", the unspoken meaning being that my thing clearly is NOT more important. I didn't take the bait and said simply, "Could you pick up ds earlier that day and then dh and I could come by after and get him?" Obviously pissed that I didn't take the bait, MIL said, "Yes. I suppose I could do that."

*rolling eyes* 95% of the time, my MIL is a dear but times like today - being that other 5% - she can be a real bitch!

Of course, dh says I'm imagining things, that there was no "tone" at all, but I don't care. I KNOW what I heard and even if I was unclear as to the tone, I think the major CBF on her face said it all! (That would be "cat butt face" for those who aren't in the know. It's a term to describe that pursed lipped, sour puss face that MIL's and NM's make to voice their disapproval at us.)

Think perhaps it's time to take a couple days off again...

A couple minor gripes...

Not much to do with N's really but I just needed to vent a bit.

The first gripe has to do with my SM and dad who will be visiting next month. They live up north and I in the south with several states between us. For me to drive there or they here, it's about a 9 hour drive.

Anyhoo so, according to SM, they are going to be coming down for a visit around the second week of April. They will be staying with friends a couple towns over - about a 45 minute to an hour drive from me. In talking with SM on the phone the other day, she says to me, "Your father and I just really need some rest and relaxation so, we'll probably be spending most of our time with (their friends' names) and only get down to see you for the party that weekend." (We're celebrating ds' birthday early since they can't be here on the actual date.) So, in other words, they are coming ALL this way and driving 9 hours............just to see me for a few hours the day of the party??? How much time am I going to get to spend with them while trying to host a party for my (soon to be) 5 year old? It's even more upsetting because the last time they came down, nearly a year ago, I didn't get to spend any time with my dad because he was busy helping dh replace the shower fixture and they kept having problems with leaking, etc. so as soon as they were finished, he and SM left.

On the one hand, I'm really hurt and pissed. Because they live so far away - and because my anxiety/panic issues keep me from traveling up to see them - I rarely get to see them. I missed about 15 years of having my father in my life growing up, in large part due to NM and NSJ, and now because of distance, I'm lucky to see them once every 3 years or so. And if that trend continues, with my dad being 60, I've got - what? - maybe 8 or 10 visits with him left?

On the other hand, SM can be a pain and highly annoying - then again, so can my dad from time to time - when they are in close proximity to me, such as during visits. It's why dh and I got rid of the spare bed in the guest room and turned it into an art studio - because they were so annoying and overbearing a few times ago when they came to visit and stayed with us. Part of it is that they have N tendencies (though aren't full on NPD I don't think) but it's also just a major difference in personalities. They are the sort of people who have their day planned out ahead of time and like to always be on the go. Dh and I, we are total homebodies and like to just lounge around home and watch a movie or sit and talk or whatever. Totally the opposite of my SM and dad.

Still, it hurts and angers me that they're coming all this way and will be in town for a week, week and a half and I'll likely only see them for the one day, and only a few hours at that.

Moving on to gripe # 2...

When FIL's mother passed away a few years ago, she left a lovely sideboard/hutch piece of furniture to MIL as MIL had always liked it. However, MIL has no place in her home to fit the piece and display it. She offered it to me a short time after inheriting it and I gladly accepted. When MIL found out I planned to refinish it however - as FIL had done a total shit job of refinishing it and wound up seriously messing it up - she forbid me to refinish it and demanded it back if I insisted on doing so. So, we had FIL come pick it back up and it went back into their garage where it continues to sit to this day. It's in the garage behind their home that FIL uses to hold all his crap. This gorgeous antique currently has FIL's paints, stains and tools sitting all over it ruining it.

I asked MIL again a couple years ago if I could please have the piece and refinish it. I promised to take good care of it and give it a place of honor in my home, etc. MIL asked what color I was going to stain it. I told her that I planned to paint it black and distress it. MIL said she didn't want it painted black and that I couldn't have it.

Well, since her comments the last time I asked led me to believe her issue was with the color black and that she might be open to my painting it another, lighter color, I asked her again last night if I could please have the piece, stating that I planned to paint it a lovely, creamy white to match my kitchen cabinets that I just refinished. She stated (rather snarkily in my opinion) that she didn't want it painted and that I could maybe have the item someday when she passed away.

Granted, it's hers and therefore she can do with it as she wishes. Still, it kills me to know there is this gorgeous antique hutch just rotting away in her damned garage just because she doesn't want me to paint it (and make it look nice), especially since she can't use it in HER home. By the time I finally get the thing, IF I ever get it, it's going to be ruined beyond repair and all because of MIL's stupidity.

AARRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!


Note: In re-reading my second gripe, I'm sure I come across as some greedy beyotch. I'm really not that way. I just really appreciate the beauty of a nice antique and I hate to see them ruined or otherwise wasted by thoughtlessness, even if it is the owner's right to do so. :o)

Feeling the need...

To correct the lies, that is.

Was talking to my aunt N via email the other day and she asked if I'd ever told my NM that she was forbidden to see ds. I answered her honestly. "No. In fact, dh and I told her the exact opposite when we last spoke to her and told her that she could come by and visit with ds seven days a week if she wanted. We even went so far as to tell her that we were willing to arrange it so that MIL wasn't here when she came so she could have her own time alone to visit with ds and she stated flat out that she didn't WANT to have to come here, that she wanted to take ds out on her own WHERE she wanted, WHEN she wanted and she should be able to do so because she's my mother." Aunt N said that's what she'd thought but wanted to double check to see if anything had been said to NM since that day since NM had apparently told my GM recently that I'd forbidden her to see ds - a total and complete lie.

Since then, I've found myself wrestling with a compulsion to call or email up my extended FOO and defend myself correct NM's lies. It's just so damned unfair. Here is this group of people, my family, and my relationships with them have all but been destroyed by NM and her vicious lies and for what? Just so NM can appear the victim of my "unreasonableness" and gain N supply from it.

And to think I'd recently begun to found myself feeling pity for the bitch. (Not that I was contemplating going back on NC or anything drastic like that, but I'd started feeling a lot less angry and resentful toward her and was finally reaching a place of peace about the whole thing. Well not anymore!) Awfully hard to feel sorry for someone - especially one's own mother - who continues to talk shit about you behind your back and smear you to anyone who'll give her the time of day.

Honestly, I wish they'd all tell her to go jump off a cliff, at least in regard to the situation with me. According to aunt N, NM is asking her about me and ds constantly. Aunt N says she just tells NM that we're "fine" and refuses to say more than that. Despite that, NM continues to call her up and inquire about us. If I could have my way on the matter, I'd have everyone say to NM to stop asking about me, that if she wants to know about me so badly, perhaps she should contact ME and ask! Not that I'd want to speak to her or respond mind you, but at least it would cut off that source of N supply for NM. It just chaps my ass that she's sitting there, not making the least bit of effort to have any sort of positive relationship with me and ds in large part because why should she have to when she's getting all the information about us from everyone else? (Hope that makes sense. I know what I'm wanting to say here but having a hard time putting it into words!)

My aunt N and GM are planning on coming down to where I live for a visit very soon. They're going to spend the night at NM's and then say they're leaving for home early and then they're going to stop by and visit with us for the day before actually heading home. Aunt N says that she's not going to lie to NM about coming here but she's not going to be the one to bring it up either, mostly because NSJ would start running his mouth about it. Which is another bone of contention for me. Here we have a "man" - (and I write it that way because NSJ is a perverted pig of a creature and not a real man) - who has made it clear my entire life how badly he wished he could be rid of me and not have to take care of me or be bothered with me in any way. Clearly, had it been an option, he'd have chosen NM and sent me away to wherever he could dump me. And now, he's finally gotten his wish. I'm GONE. I'm out of NM's and his life for good and yet it STILL isn't enough for him. He continues to badmouth me and bitch about this, that or the next thing that I've done in the past or whatever. WTFH??! The only upside to that is that it makes it all the more clear that I'M not the real issue since, even now that I'm absent from the picture, they continue to bitch about me and find fault and I haven't even spoke to them in about 14 months (2+ years in NHS and NBIL's case)!!

Asshats, the lot of them!