Letter I am strongly considering sending to NF....

IF I decide to send this, I would do so only because it's what I wanted and needed to do FOR ME. As far as I'm concerned, whatever farce of a relationship I had with NSM and NF is over and there is no going back. But there are some things I've been wanting and needing to say purely for me and so I am thinking of sending a response. 

Here's my letter:

Amazing how, even after all this time, you continue to blame a 12 year old child for the fact that you ABANDONED her and were an irresponsible father. YOU alone chose to walk away. YOU. Not me. YOU were the adult, I was the child. The fact that you continue to blame me for your choices is nothing short of disgusting and cowardly.

You don't want to be compared to my mother? Then stop acting JUST LIKE HER! Honestly, you two sit there, just like mom, with your false declarations of “unconditional love” when the reality is anything but. You don't want unconditional love, you want unconditional CONTROL over me and my life. So long as I sit there quietly, with my head down and never have any thoughts or opinions of my own – least of all any that contradict you – and never ask to be treated fairly or with respect then all is well and I am the “good daughter”. But the second I politely say, “That hurts. Could you please not do that anymore”, suddenly I'm a hateful little brat and you all withhold your love and approval. That's not real love, that's manipulation and abuse.

And how DARE you presume to tell me what I am or am not feeling! Who the hell are you to tell me such things? I do not now, nor have I ever needed you to tell me what I feel, thank you very much. I am a 34 year old, intelligent adult woman and, as such, am more than capable of deciding for myself how I feel I'm being treated by others and whether or not I'm feeling anxious or angry or whatever the hell else I'm feeling at that moment.

You don't lie?! PLEASE! Virtually all the two of you do is lie! You even lie about totally mundane shit like claiming you didn't make the comment about my house being too small when all you had to say was, “Sorry. That came out wrong.” The two of you think you are ever so clever, claiming to be these perfect parents and upstanding citizens. You place all responsibility for the fact that the three of us kids hate being around you two on US as if we're simply just stupid, ungrateful little brats. The two of you are NEVER at fault, NEVER to blame, yet you have the gall to claim that you “aren't perfect and make mistakes”. Please! You two think you are second only to God HIMSELF and you make that attitude QUITE clear to everyone you come into contact with!

Tell me, if you are both truly such amazingly wonderful, loving, supportive parents why do all of us kids do our best to be around you as little as possible? Why does N, according to you, only call when he needs something? Why does L have, as NSM puts it, such a “bad attitude” and ill feelings toward the two of you? Why do I get stressed to the point of becoming physically ill when a visit with you is impending? Do you honestly think I'm the only one who feels this way about you? Whatever happened to Uncle A? The M's? The S's? The K's? Tanta L? Oh, wait. I forget. It's all of US with the problem while the two of you are perfect servants of God, right? What a joke.

I don't “perceive” all these things about you and NSM, I KNOW them for a fact. What I haven't seen or experienced myself firsthand can be verified through very reliable sources. Sources like, say, online public court and police records and/or the C------/M----- area police and sherrif's departments. It's all a matter of looking up the info online and/or making a few calls to the right people and – VOILA! - the truth! And I must say, the resulting truth is a VERY different story than the one you and NSM are always spewing. Very different indeed.

As for my son, as his MOTHER, I have every right to say who ds is allowed to go out with and who he isn't and I don't owe anyone any explanations, nor do I have to justify my decisions to anyone, most of all to the two of YOU. If I tell you that, when he is with you, he is to only wear blue shirts with red shorts and eat nothing but pizza then that is my perogative to do so. Furthermore, the fact that he is supposedly “all over you” when you are here means little. He was “all over” my hairdresser, Becky, a few weeks ago when she was here and he'd only met her for the first time that day. It was the same thing a week later when he met the two teachers who were present at his speech evaluation that day. Doesn't mean he'd be comfortable going out alone with those people to shop for the day nor does it mean I'd be comfortable letting any of them take him. In truth, ds knows OF you but he doesn't truly KNOW you because he's only met you 2 or 3 times in his lifetime for a few hours each time.

The ONLY part of your entire email that I agree with is where you say relationships go both ways. You are right. Relationships, healthy ones, DO go both ways, but there ARE “stipulations” as you call them. They are called boundaries and all HEALTHY relationships have them, including my relationship with my husband. But what YOU are demanding is a very different sort of relationship than the one you describe. What YOU are asking, nay...DEMANDING is a ONE way relationship in which the two of you are allowed to say and/or do whatever the hell you please and apparently I'm just supposed to shut up, smile and say thank you as I hand over complete control of my own life. The proof of that fact is both of your reaction to a simple request to be treated with mutual respect.

ALL I've done up till now is to tell you both very politely and respectfully that a few things were said/done that hurt me and even stated that it was possible it wasn't your intention to do so. I told you openly how and why I felt the way I did/do in the hopes that it would help you better understand where I am coming from. And what did I get for my efforts? I got further insult, accused of being disrespectful and attacking you both and some half assed fake apology that basically says, “I”m sorry you're such an overly- sensitive little brat”. A REAL apology is where someone accepts blame for something they did, such as by saying, “I'm sorry I hurt you with the comment I made about your house being too small.” An apology does NOT project responsibility onto someone else, particularly onto the victim, which is what you are trying to do.

Your entire response – yours as well as NSM's – is nothing but YOU, YOU, YOU. How the two of YOU have suffered. YOUR pain. YOUR hardships. What YOU'VE had to go through, most of which has apparently been because of me despite the fact that I was a child for most of it. NOWHERE in either of your responses is there any concern or caring for ME and/or MY pain at all. Rather, your attitude is one of, “You're WRONG!” Clearly, I don't even have a right to feel what I feel according to the both of you yet I'm to believe you love me unconditionally and respect me? I think not.

At this point, I am just done. I am BEYOND sick and tired of being the scapegoat for all of your wrongdoings and bad decisions. The truth is that I have four lousy parents who couldn't handle their own personal issues and lost me in the whole process and who, when I've dared to ask for a little love and acceptance, continued to kick me to the side and blame me for their shortcomings. As far as I'm concerned, you can all take your “unconditional love” and SHOVE IT up your self-righteous, narcissistic asses.

GOOD BYE AND GOOD RIDDANCE!!!

Sincerely,

DA

Finally heard from NF...

And here's what dear ole dad has to say:

DA, I'm sorry it took me this long to reply. I had a busy Holy Week last week. Plus I never respond immediately because I do not want to respond emotionally. NSM and I have put forth alot of effort over many years to keep a loving relationship with you and your family. We are sorry about what you went through after your mother kidnapped you and took you down to (home state). We tried very hard to get you back up here but everyone was against us. Your mother, the court, your mom's family, and yes unfortunately you too in the end. We still want to have a relationship with you!!! But, I do not think it is fair to  equate me with your mother!! Our relationship is UNCONDITIONAL LOVE!!!! It is not CONDITIONAL AS YOU THINK IT IS. We do not judge you!  As for what I said about your house, I do not remember exactly what I said but, I would never say anything bad about any of my children's houses or lives. If that is the way you took it then I am sorry. I do not lie to my children either. If this letter is how you really perceive NSM and I then I would say that we should end this relationship!!! I am not your mother or NSJ or NHS!!!! I do not like being told what you think NSM and I wanted to do with ds. We just wanted to take him out to buy him some gifts for his birthday and maybe get some food then head back up to (friend's town). You were not fine with us taking ds out shopping. It actually reminded me of the stipulations your mother put on me when I picked you up for visitations. This is not meant to be mean!! You told NSM ds doesn't know us very well. I remember ds hanging all over us when we have been to your house. He even knows our voices on the phone. DA, you are a very intelligent woman, a good mother, a good wife, but you seem to hate me and NSM. I do not know why? We have always supported you. A relationship goes both ways. NO STIPULATIONS! Jesus Christ is our example of how we are to act toward each other. NSM and I are not perfect. We make mistakes. We try very hard to be there for our children.  Support them, encourage them, love them. You are included!! Dad

WTFH???!!!!

a) What the hell does my NM "kidnapping" me have to do with anything? Though I LOVE how I'M to blame yet again for the fact that NM and NSJ moved NHS and I down here when we were very young children.

b) No one is equating THEM personally with my NM, rather it is their BEHAVIORS we are equating and anyone and everyone who knows NM and what has been going on with NF and NSM says how much alike they all are acting.

c) I like how he tells me I am WRONG and then says just after how "they don't judge me". LOL Yeah. Okay then.

d) "If that is the way YOU took it then I am sorry". Not, not, NOT an apology!!! This is a fauxpology! He might as well have said, "Sorry you're such a sensitive, irrational bitch."

e) If this is how I perceive them then I should end the relationship? Will do, "daddy"! Thanks for the OUT!

f) Have NO idea whatsoever what the hell he's talking about when he says he doesn't like being told what I thought he and NSM wanted to do with ds as I never made a comment to that effect?

g) "You were not fine with us taking ds out shopping." Never said I was. What I SAID - and what you would have heard if, again, you ever LISTENED - was that I had no problem with ALL OF US taking ds out shopping. 

h) As for ds supposedly being all over them, ds is not "all over them" and has never been at any point. He's only ever seen them two or three times that he can remember, being that he's only just turned 5 and, like most children his age, he's quite social and will talk to anyone who gives him the time of day. However, being comfortable talking socially and being comfortable going out alone for the day shopping and then to eat are two COMPLETELY different things. And, like it or not, as ds' MOTHER, I have EVERY RIGHT to say who I want him to go out with and who I don't and I DON'T HAVE TO GIVE ANYONE AN EXPLANATION FOR IT EITHER.

i) So now I'M just like my mother? The woman they've both made it CRYSTAL clear over the years that they hate? LOL He only threw this out to get back at me for implying he was behaving like my NM because he knew - or thought he knew - that it would get under my skin.

j) HOW in the HELL would anyone infer from anything I've written to them that I supposedly hate them???! Are they on CRACK or what??! I mean, really. How many times did I state that I loved them both and wanted to work things out yet they infer from my messages that I am not only seeking to ATTACK them but that I HATE them as well?? If I didn't know how effed in the head they both are, I'd be looking around for the "Punk'd" crew to jump out right about now...

k) "We have always supported you." Again, please show me ANYWHERE in either of their responses evidence that would support this? All it is is THEIR pain, THEIR suffering, how I'VE supposedly hurt THEM and then they both go on to detail all the many ways I am wrong or bad or otherwise a disappointment. THIS is being supportive? THIS is "UNCONDITIONAL LOVE"?? I don't think so.

l) "A relationship goes both ways. NO STIPULATIONS!!!"? Translation - YOU do not get to tell US how you wish to be treated. WE will treat you how WE wish to treat you, WHEN we wish to treat you as such. Any comment from you or attempt to demand respect, etc. will be seen as selfish, disrespectful behavior as well as a direct attempt to CONTROL us and will NOT be tolerated!!

m) I'm not even gonna go there on the whole religious comment he made. These two are the FARTHEST things from REAL Christians I've ever seen or had the displeasure to know and it makes me SICK that my NF is a preacher and has access to leading those poor people. I mean, the man used to wear SURGICAL GLOVES when giving Holy Communion to his BLACK parishioners. Nuff said? I think so.

n) "We make mistakes". YOU DO? First I've ever heard of this. According to NSM, they are perfect parents.

o) "You are included." Again, REALLY? And where is the evidence of that statement because I have yet to see anything remotely close and I know for a fact that my other two siblings would agree with me 110%. These two are so full of SHIT that the whites of their eyes are stained BROWN.

I'm going to handle him just like I've chosen to handle NSM, by not responding. And really, what the hell does one say to crap like this? I imagine it's like trying to have a rational conversation with Charles Manson. NSM and NF are batshit CRAZY and I will be SO glad to be finally and truly done with them both and not have to be exposed to this crap anymore!

Good riddance to bad (and batshit crazy) rubbish!!!

My head is just all over the place lately...

Don't know if it's any one thing really. More of a combination of things.

Since going NC with NM about 15 months ago, I've had moments now and then when I've longed to call her up or write her a letter. Basically just wanting to connect to a mother-figure. But recently dh's GM died which got me to thinking about how nothing in life is guaranteed and how none of us knows how long we have left on this earth. If NM died tomorrow, how would I feel? I think part of me would feel, "What a waste." All that time we spent not speaking when we could have been in each other's lives. What a waste if would all have been. And yet, at the same time there's a part of me that thinks it's not exactly a waste because it's what I needed to heal and become more of my own person.

And now my relationship with my father and NSM has ended which has also made me long to connect with a parental-figure. It just hurts so much that he doesn't even care enough to call me or attempt to contact me in any way. Surely he knows what's going on or has some idea that I'm upset or hurting as I know NSM is never one to let some major N supply go to waste. And yet, he hasn't called or written or emailed at all. One would think that after missing out on over 15 years of my life he wouldn't want to risk that happening again, that he'd want to make the most of every minute we have together now...but apparently not.

The loss of my father has once again brought thoughts of NM to the forefront of my thought. This, coupled with a birthday card from NM for ds which arrived in the post yesterday, has me thinking of NM, wondering if I made the right decision, if maybe there isn't some thing yet I haven't tried that might make it possible for me to have NM in my life again. In the card, NM writes, "Tell your mommy I said hello and give her a big hug for me. Love you guys, Grandma xx". As I read it, in spite of myself I found myself thinking, "Awww. How nice. Maybe she's really not as bad as I'd thought..." and longing to pick up the phone and call her. I actually came close to picking up the phone twice today.

As I stood in the shower before, it occurred to me that I'm once again hoping that foolish hope. It's kind of like those religious people who walk with the snakes and trust that God will keep the snakes from biting and then act all surprised when the snakes bite them. The snakes aren't being malicious, they are merely behaving as snakes. I'm going about this thinking that this time there will be this Hallmark moment and yes, NM won't ever be the ideal mother but maybe, just maybe, it will work this time when the truth is that I'm going to be disappointed, let down and hurt yet again. Not because NM is trying to be deliberately malicious necessarily but because, like the snake, she's just behaving true to her nature and doing what N's do.

Dh says that unless and until I'm willing to accept NM just as she is now and am okay with having her in my life anyway, that I'm not ready to reconnect with her. I feel that while I cannot technically change NM, that by changing how I REACT to NM she, in a sense, can't help but alter her behavior somewhat to accommodate my change which, in effect, will alter her behavior the tiniest bit. Maybe, just maybe, that would be enough when coupled with my new-found courage to stand my ground?

*sigh* WHY must this be so hard and complicated? This is my MOTHER we're talking about here! I mean, I shouldn't have to worry about my MOTHER, of all people, trying to hurt me. I should be able to call her up and share things with her and have her in my life and trust that she'll be there for me and have my back. Yes, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes or fails us - albeit usually unintentionally - from time to time. That's a part of life and will occur in even the best relationships. I no longer expect or ask NM to be perfect but WHY oh WHY can't she just be GOOD ENOUGH? Just good enough so that we could be in each other's lives in some capacity, no matter how small?

Ugh. I feel so confused and all over the place right now.

I've reached a decision...

I had typed up a response to NSM's email and had dh read it to get his thoughts. In talking with him, I've decided that I'm not going to respond. Dh thinks that a) I shouldn't justify her ridiculous comments with a valid response and b) that the best response is to just go on and live my life well and to hell with NSM and NF. I asked dh, "So you're saying I should just not respond then? No emails, no phone calls, etc.? But then what if they continue calling here?" Dh says that I should just either not respond/answer or if I do answer the phone one time and NSM says something like, "Why aren't you talking to me/us?" to just tell her the truth - because I don't have time for ridiculous accusations and pissing contests over whose pain is the worst, etc. and that since that's all they seem willing to offer me, that I've decided to move on without them.

As is often the case, dh made a lot of sense. Sending a response would also serve only to perpetuate the drama and who needs more of that? So I think I'm going to take dh's advice and just move on without them and not respond.

I have to say, I feel a huge weight has been lifted already. Considering how much I improved just cutting NM, NSJ and NHS and all their toxicity out of my life, I can't imagine what heights I can soar to without NF and NSM's toxicity hanging over my head!

AMAZING post over at OneAngryDaughter...

Just had to share!

OAD posted an amazing post today on her blog titled, "You Don't Get to Define Who I Am Anymore". As I found it extremely fitting for what I am currently going through with the N's in my life (and because OAD is such an amazingly talented writer!), I am posting a link to it here so I can share it with all of you!

Hope you all enjoy it as much as I did!

DA

My response to NSM's comments...

Her comments are still in blue. My responses are in black beneath.

~~~~~~~~~~

Really?! And I don't? Do you realize that each time we have been down to see you since I found out my problem, there was no offer for me as for food? I can't go for hours without eating. And you didn't want ds to go without you because he doesn't know us that well and you said you didn't know how he would react, not that each time we are down there he is all over us.

I never said she didn't have stomach issues nor have I ever expected her to go hours without eating. In fact, I told both of them multiple times that if they wanted/needed to go OUT to eat so badly that they could go on their way to see us, on the way home from visiting or they could take time out and either go out to eat or bring food back to the house to eat here. It was NSM and NF who said she did not want to do any of those things. As for offering her food on previous visits, I have asked her multiple times, including just before this last trip, what she could eat and/or otherwise tried to arrange to have special gluten-free items. SHE told me, and I quote, "Oh don't do that. Don't worry about me or go to any special lengths to make special meals or dishes for me. I don't want anyone to do that." So if she had nothing to eat here, that is on HER. NOT ME! And as for her supposed "problem" with gluten, she's been tested no less than FOUR TIMES and every single time it's come back NEGATIVE for gluten allergy. More to the point, if SHE prepares all her own food and, I assume, avoids gluten products, WHY then does she still continue to have such stomach issues and all these flare ups multiple times a week? And ds is FIVE YEARS OLD, he'll be "all over" ANYONE who gives him the time of day and offers to play with him. Hell, he was the same way with NM and she couldn't have cared less about the child so it's not like they are some awesome GP's and he's so in love with them or something.

Do you not also realize that in all of our conversation you do the most talking and alot of background talk is in your home, wich is fine most of the time.

Again, I am the mother of a five year old. Five year olds interrupt you when you're on the phone. It's just what they do. I've tried my best to tell him that when I'm on the phone that he needs to either figure it out himself or ask daddy or just wait unless it's an emergency. That being said, my being interrupted by my ds repeatedly has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my comment about them being dismissive and unwilling to listen to my reasons for not wanting to go out to eat. Classic N refusal to accept blame and trying to make ME the bad guy. As for me supposedly doing most of the talking, she's on crack. Majority of the time, I can barely get a word in edgewise. She either cuts me off repeatedly, talks over me or, as soon as she's done blathering on and it's my turn, suddenly she HAS to go right now. What a crock.

I do not appreciate being compared to [them]. We have treated you with respect and listened to some very harsh words from you. As for what dad said to you I didn't hear the conversation. I personally don't think your home is small, we just wanted to do something different.

Well, if she's so offended at being compared to them, perhaps she should stop acting just like them then! Yes, they have listened to some very harsh words from me in the past but a) that was like NINE YEARS AGO and b) I had damn good reason to be angry considering my supposed father had abandoned me for over 15 years with no warning or explanation other than some supposedly noble bullshit about how he knew my NM would never give up and so he walked away since he didn't want me to be pulled back and forth. Since WHEN??!! My entire life has been nothing BUT being pulled back and forth by the four of them! At any rate, since that one letter nine years ago, I've been nothing but polite and respectful to them both. In fact, this is the first time I've ever stood up to them like this since. Despite that, I have not gotten the same respect in return, this latest response being yet another perfect example. Instead of apologizing for the fact that I was hurt – even though it may be entirely possible it wasn't their intention at the time (though I don't buy that for a second) – I continue to get more of the same, “Well what about US and OUR pain?” BS from them. It's the exact same game I was always getting from NM. I'd try to open up and bare my heart to her in the hopes that she would understand and we could move forward and instead all I ever got was how SHE hurt, how SHE'S suffered. Question....at what point exactly do I get to have MY turn for people to listen to me and feel bad for me and what I'VE been through? Why must it ALWAYS be about the four of THEM and what THEY'VE had to go through, apparently all because of ME despite the fact that I was the child and they all were, supposedly, the adults?

Personally I think you are taking too much controll over everday things in your life and are unwilling to compromise. It sounds hard, but it's your way or no way.

LOL Projection much? Actually, she's right in one regard. I AM trying to take back control of my own life, control that was stolen from me years ago by the four of them. I'm tired of being a doormat and a scapegoat. I'm tired of constantly getting the short end of the stick and being crapped on and forgotten and left to suffer alone because my four parents couldn't handle their personal issues and lost me in the whole process! I'm tired of always being made to pay the price because the four of them can't (or won't) get their sh*t together and just be freaking RESPECTFUL to me. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to just be NICE? (Apparently, it's VERY hard for an N!)
 

This I don't get at all...and it hurts..very much

Oh what the frack ever! Then stop treating me like I'm not good enough simply because I'm not willing to lie there like a good little doormat and/or don't conduct every facet of the my life the way YOU two think I should! And yet again with HER pain! Oye!!

Who said that??? (Comment in regard to my statement about it being thrown in my face how I'm supposedly scarring my child due to my anxiety and agoraphobia issues.)
 

YOU said that, NSM! You said it the first time we spoke the Thursday before you guys left to go back to home state. You told me to excuse you because all you wanted to do was take ds out and have fun for once. Then you mentioned how I was always telling you how I didn't want ds to grow up to have anxiety and all like me and all but came out and said I was basically guaranteeing it simply because I didn't want to go out to eat that day. Yet all of a sudden, she has no recollection of saying it. It's the old N trick of deny, deny, deny.

We do, but why do you have to rip us a new one when we want to do something and it doesn't fit you? We could have met up with dh. And why is it O.K. for you to talk with us like this, we're supposed to take it and not feel hurt, upset, sad.

A.) At no point have I “ripped them a new one”, NSM OR NF. I simply stated my feelings in a polite, respectful way in an effort to try and help them see where I was coming from in the hopes that we could come to some common ground and move forward. B.) NO, NSM, you couldn't have just "met up with DH" as he had to work Thursday and couldn't take any time off as was explained to you both. Also, the both of you said multiple times that you wanted me there because you “wanted everyone together”, the direct implication being that my NOT going was not an acceptable option. C.) What is “talking to you like this”? At NO point in my original letter to you OR during our talks on the phone that last time have I been rude or disrespectful to you, save for MAYBE the ONE comment I made where I used the “f” word. Furthermore, at no point did I say you all couldn't feel hurt, upset, sad or however else you choose to feel. Unlike YOU, NSM, I don't presume to tell other people how they should react because I realize it's their own personal right to feel however they hell they choose! YOU however, have apparently seen fit to tell me that everything I've said about how I felt, how I saw things, etc. is wrong or otherwise inappropriate. Clearly, I don't even have the right to my own feelings!

Just because there was no cursing [doesn't mean] there were [no] attacks and insults.
You have NO idea how much I love you and try so hard to understand ALL of what's going on with you. I've been through some of what is happening to you. And as some people point out to me I'm much stronger then I think I am. But little do most know how hurt I am by many things that have happened to me with my family. I do not like resolving proplems through emails. You get wrong attitudes because of the way each person reads them. And last, I'm tired of getting these letters, I'm about ready to stop emails and the computer all together, hardly go on FB any more. Just please do not compare us with [NM, NSJ and NHS]. This visit might have hit a nerve but our intent was not to upset anyone, not even us. We are getting older and our time coming down there might get less with the hope of a new call, there is so much we want to do with the Church and time is running out. I told you we REALLY needed R&R and it really hurts that we didn't get to see all of you. I will tell you something I have notice is that even when we were on line (skype) with you, you were very nervious. I could tell that the closer we got to coming down the stress in your voice started. And maybe if we lived closer and saw you more that might not happen, but, I don't think so. I think you find it safe to talk with us over the phone and it's even braver through email and that is more comforting and controlled for you.  That is not a criticism just fact that I can feel in you and know it's there. So I will end it here, the rest of the week is very busy with work and Holy week. Take care of each other.
unconditional: without condition or limatations, absolute.
without condition or limatation....think about that, when have we not done that? There is a time in each of us when we know when to let something go or move on or let pass till later. Sometimes later doesn't come. In this case not coming down because of the stress we may have put on you was the let it pass till later. But we never forget our love for our family and special friends. You have my love, support, friendship,and respect. NSM

Typical to N form, her WHOLE response is all about HER. How SHE hurts. How SHE feels. How SHE'S suffered. How I'VE supposedly attacked HER. (Can you hear the violins?) She claims to love me unconditionally, even gave me a freaking DEFINITION of the word, yet I fail to see the proof. Where is the evidence of this supposed caring about ME and MY pain, MY suffering, what I'VE gone through/am going through? Not ONCE have either of them apologized for the fact that I was upset or hurt by their words/actions to the point that I became physically ILL due to the stress. Not once was it asked of me what other situation – other than going out to eat – might I be more comfortable doing. In fact, no inquiry or concern as to MY comfort has been expressed AT ALL! Instead, I was told that I could sit there and not eat while we all went out to eat. That was their big 'compromise' that was offered which, in reality, wasn't a compromise AT ALL. Rather it was them getting their way once again and me being expected to just shut up and deal with it. “That's life” as NF would say. Well you know what? I'm TIRED of always being expected to just shut up and deal with the sh*t that is constantly heaped upon my head by all of them.

I'm sorry if they were hurt by not getting to see us (though I don't buy that for a second) but you know what? If it was TRULY that important to them, it wouldn't have mattered what we did or where we were, only that we were TOGETHER. And let's just put it out on the table right now - they did NOT come "all this way" to see US. They came to vacation with their friends. PERIOD. We were just something to fit into the itinerary, a side stop on their time here. As NSM said herself, they "REALLY needed some R&R", which is fine. They're certainly entitled to a vacation same as anyone, but DON'T make out like the whole purpose of the trip was to visit and spend time with us when it wasn't and DON'T attempt to make me feel like I ruined the whole purpose of them coming all this way when that's not the case.

And here we go yet again with the "We're getting older you know" and the implied threats that "sometimes later never comes". You wanna get right down to it, I could die tomorrow due to accident or disease. You just never know and there are no guarantees to how long we get on this Earth. Seems to me that with death looming ever nearer, they'd think twice before acting like such disrespectful ARSEHOLES since it would likely be ME to decide what happens to them in their old age!

To address her other observation about how she's noticed I'm “nervous” even talking via Skype with them both, she is absolutely right. Well....almost anyway. I DO get nervous when I hear that they are coming down and it gets worse the closer it gets to them being here. Why? Because I know me and my home will be put to the test and scrutinized by the both of them and that they will both ultimately find multiple faults with everything. The last time they were here there were at least two dozen complaints about how we live, etc. They complained that we don't flush the toilet enough, that ds doesn't wash his hands enough, that we feed ds McDonald's too much, that I don't go out enough, that they were BORED when they were here, etc. NSM complained about WHERE we went out shopping that day, she insulted most everything I commented that I liked and then she and NF both told me I needed to basically buck up and “go on despite the pain” that I was having due to having overdone it that day all in an effort to accommodate THEM because, after all, THEY did it and what's good enough for them should be just fine for me too, right? My outfit was nitpicked, my anxiety issues chastised and those just to name a few.

The overall tone was one of obvious disappointment in me and my life. Almost always there is the “Oh...” or a sigh or even just a look and the message received is that they CLEARLY don't approve or are otherwise disappointed. NSM admits to actually NOTICING this, yet still can't fathom that THEY are the cause of it! Nope, nothing to do with them. Just another one of my many obvious faults.

NSM's response to my email...

It went exactly as I suspected, her response to me was all about HER. HER pain, HER suffering, all SHE'S been through, much of which is apparently because of me. At this point, I am done. My next response to her will be my NC letter in which I tell her not to contact me anymore as I've had it with her and her narcissistic BS. I'll be sure to post a copy of that letter when I send it!

As for my NF, still no word from him. My best guess is he's behaving the coward he is and is hiding behind supposedly being "too busy". Nice, huh? His daughter expresses her hurt in a phone call with his wife (which I know he's heard about by now) and then follows up and writes him a heart felt letter, pouring out her pain (which I'm also convinced he's either read or heard about by now) and he still cannot be bothered to contact me himself. I will likely give him the opportunity to respond to my original email but if it's filled with more of the same BS I got from his wife - and I strongly suspect know it will be - it'll be NC for him as well.

Here is the email with NSM's responses. She chose to insert her comments throughout rather than typing it all in one email so that's how it will be posted. I edited it to put her comments in blue so that it's easier to read. In the original, it was in the same color and font and was very hard to make out which was hers and which mine. I should also add that NSM is dyslexic so her writing can be hard to decipher at times.

For the record, I will put my responses/feelings to her comments in a separate post so that it's not insanely long.

Here ya go...

~~~~~~~~~~

Before I begin, I wanted to let you know that we received your package today. On behalf of ds, thanks so much for the gifts. We haven't had a chance to go out shopping and spend his birthday monies yet but he really liked the Spongebob name picture. We're going to put it up in his room tomorrow.

Since we last spoke, I've been doing quite a lot of thinking about our relationship. Obviously, I love you both very much and I don't want to just end things on a bad note and walk away. It's been hard enough the past 15 months or so dealing with the whole situation with mom. Unlike her however, the two of you have put forth some effort over the years to try and make things work which is why I'm writing now in the hopes that we can find some middle ground on which to move forward.

My main issue is feeling not heard by you both. The problem when you were in town recently was not that you wanted to take ds out, which is what I suspect you both may be thinking. I was fine with taking ds out shopping to one or two places. Rather, the problem was the restaurant itself. One, it was located outside of the area distance-wise that I am comfortable traveling. Two, it was a restaurant and restaurants are one of the places I avoid as they invoke extreme anxiety. Doesn't matter where it's located, what size it is or how many people are inside, the result is the same for me - intense anxiety and panic attacks. (And just in case you were wondering, I can assure you it was not the company either. If you were to ask dh, he'd tell you I refuse to eat out with him as well.) Lastly, as I mentioned previously to you both, there is the issue of eating out causing me rather bad stomach distress. My best guess is that it's the way it's prepared. Whatever the case, with the sole exception of Subway, eating out for me = bad gastrointestinal distress for hours afterward. Couple that with my anxiety and it's just really not good.
 

Really?! And I don't? Do you realize that each time we have been down to see you since I found out my problem, there was no offer for me as for food? I can't go for hours without eating. And you didn't want ds to go without you because he doesn't know us that well and you said you didn't know how he would react, not that each time we are down there he is all over us.

I tried to explain all of this to the both of you but felt you weren't willing to hear what I was saying because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. To clarify, I'm not saying this was your intention, merely that it is how I felt. It seemed that the only acceptable answer was, "Sounds great! Can't wait!" and anything else was dismissed outright.
 

Do you not also realize that in all of our conversation you do the most talking and alot of background talk is in your home, wich is fine most of the time. 

I have spent about 30+ years of my life being taught that my feelings and thoughts didn't matter. Worse than that actually. I was made to feel that I didn't have a right to feel anything beyond what I was told I 'should' or 'ought to' feel. Basically I was expected to endure whatever abuse and disrespect they dished out silently and without complaint. More to the point, I was expected to be GRATEFUL for it because, as one clearly so undeserving, they had wasted their precious time and efforts on me anyway when, by all rights, they should have walked away and left me. I was nothing and I meant nothing to them. The few times I scrounged up the courage to speak up for myself - always done respectfully and voiced as more of a whisper - I was immediately labeled bad, wrong, ungrateful, disrespectful, selfish, "unable to take a joke" and, most hurtful of all, "too sensitive".

AM I sensitive? You bet and with darn good reason too. I'd challenge anyone to go through what I went through, to be told every single day how stupid and worthless and undeserving they are and NOT come out of it sensitive. The alternative is death, be it physically at one's own hand or emotionally from giving up the fight. Yes, I am sensitive but TOO sensitive? I think not.

Another hot button for me is being lied to. Dad, with all due respect, you know full well that you most certainly did make the comment to me that my house is too small for you and NSM. Denying it and lying about it won't make it un-said. Now, I'm more than willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let's say that, yes, you did make the comment but it was not intended as hurtful or disrespectful, which it how it was received by me. I could understand that. Heck, we've all stuck our foot in our mouth at one time or another or had what we were trying to say come out wrong. It happens. As some would say, that's life. But if that were the case, why not just say, "You know, I apologize for hurting your feelings. What I said came out wrong." or "I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by what I said."?

As you both know by now, I have a long history of being lied to by NM, NSJ and NHS. There are things I know for a fact happened, like the abuse, only to be told by all of them that it never happened and that I'M the one exaggerating or flat out lying. I'm not stupid, nor am I crazy, obviously, so I know what happened to me. Lying about it not only makes what actually happened that much worse but it's also an insult to my intelligence. By lying, they are projecting fault onto me instead of accepting responsibility themselves.
 

I do not appreciate being compared to [them]. We have treated you with respect and listened to some very harsh words from you. As for what dad said to you I didn't hear the conversation. I personally don't think your home is small, we just wanted to do something different.

Ultimately, what I ask of you both is all I've ever asked of anyone - just to be treated with respect. Being treated rudely or dismissively, being lied to, having you consistently be speaking to someone in the background or watching television when I call or being told my opinion is flat out wrong rather than simply expressing disagreement are all examples of not being treated with respect. Being treated like I'm a disappointment to you both simply because my choices don't go along with what you both would choose is another good example.
 

Personally I think you are taking too much controll over everday things in your life and are unwilling to compromise. It sounds hard, but it's your way or no way.

For a long time now, I've felt that your love and approval of me is conditional.
 

This I don't get at all...and it hurts..very much

I don't expect that you will understand or agree with all the choices I make for my life but I would hope you could understand that it is my choice to make and respect my right to do so. I don't need to be chastised like a child just because I dyed my hair purple or made to feel like a bad mother because I have a medical issue - my anxiety - that prohibits me from going certain places right now. My greatest nightmare, next to something happening that would take ds away from me, would be for him to grow up and live like I do, afraid to go out and crippled by anxiety. I wouldn't wish such an existence on my worst enemy. I think it was cruel and unnecessary to throw it in my face and imply that I am deficient as a mother or scarring my child because of something that is out of my control.
 

Who said that???

It's bad enough that I have to live with the reality that it will negatively affect him at all. I would think that, as parents yourselves, you would know the pain of, despite your best efforts to the contrary, your actions hurting your child.

Rest assured, I'm doing the best I can. The result of 30+ years of trauma and abuse isn't going to be undone in a handful of therapy visits and going out to a couple places a few times. It's going to take months of hard work and emotional upheaval to get it all sorted out. I get that it's frustrating to people who just want to go out and have a good time and don't see what the big deal is and I don't expect you both to fully understand. Actually, I think this is one of those things that one can never fully understand unless they've lived through it and had it affect their life the way it's affected mine. But I would hope that you both could at least be a little compassionate for what I'm going/have gone through.
 

We do, but why do you have to rip us a new one when we want to do something and it doesn't fit you? We could have met up with dh. And why is it O.K. for you to talk with us like this, we're supposed to take it and not feel hurt, upset, sad.

And just to clarify, I'm not saying I'm perfect or blameless here. I fully admit to a certain degree of responsibility myself in our relationship. One good example is my needing to learn how to speak up in the moment instead of bottling everything up all the time until I cannot take anymore and then explode. But by the same token, I also don't think it's exactly fair to make out that you all have consistently been the only ones to bend over backward or otherwise imply that I haven't contributed anything at all. I call, I send pictures and updates on my family, I offer prayers and support at difficult times, I've played "sounding board" for you both, I've remembered special occasions, etc. and the last two times you guys came down here to visit (not including this last time, of course), I've gone outside my comfort zone in an effort to accommodate you both and ensure you had a nice time while visiting us, just to name a few. True, I may not be able to travel at this time but I do my best to try and make up for that in other ways and it would be nice to receive just a little appreciation for what I am able to do and have done instead of, more often, hearing how I could improve or where I've disappointed you.

I think I've stated my feelings here in a very polite, mature, respectful manner. No cursing, no attacks, no insults, just an honest explanation of my feelings in the hope that we can find some common ground and go forward. I hope and pray that your responses and intentions will be the same.

Just because there was no cursing [doesn't mean] there were [no] attacks and insults.
You have NO idea how much I love you and try so hard to understand ALL of what's going on with you. I've been through some of what is happening to you. And as some people point out to me I'm much stronger then I think I am. But little do most know how hurt I am by many things that have happened to me with my family. I do not like resolving proplems through emails. You get wrong attitudes because of the way each person reads them. And last, I'm tired of getting these letters, I'm about ready to stop emails and the computer all together, hardly go on FB any more. Just please do not compare us with [NM, NSJ and NHS]. This visit might have hit a nerve but our intent was not to upset anyone, not even us. We are getting older and our time coming down there might get less with the hope of a new call, there is so much we want to do with the Church and time is running out. I told you we REALLY needed R&R and it really hurts that we didn't get to see all of you. I will tell you something I have notice is that even when we were on line (skype) with you, you were very nervious. I could tell that the closer we got to coming down the stress in your voice started. And maybe if we lived closer and saw you more that might not happen, but, I don't think so. I think you find it safe to talk with us over the phone and it's even braver through email and that is more comforting and controlled for you.  That is not a criticism just fact that I can feel in you and know it's there. So I will end it here, the rest of the week is very busy with work and Holy week. Take care of each other.
unconditional: without condition or limatations, absolute.
without condition or limatation....think about that, when have we not done that? There is a time in each of us when we know when to let something go or move on or let pass till later. Sometimes later doesn't come. In this case not coming down because of the stress we may have put on you was the let it pass till later. But we never forget our love for our family and special friends. You have my love, support, friendship,and respect. NSM

 
Kristin xoxo

P.S. I would like it if, for just the next few exchanges, we could keep things to email. I just feel it will give all of us the best chance to say all we need to say without worrying about getting interrupted or forgetting or whatever and we can all have an equal chance to have our say.

Well, I did it.

I sent the email to NSM and NF. Guess now we'll have to wait and see how they respond. Why am I so nervous? :oS

Rough draft of letter to NSM and NF...

Was wanting your opinions on what you all think. At this point, I think I'm going to leave it open and see how they respond. If they come back at me with more criticism and nastiness, then I will likely walk away. However, if they respond maturely and respectfully, then perhaps there is hope for the relationship. Anyway, here's the letter:

Dear NSM and NF,

Since we last spoke, I've been doing quite a lot of thinking about our relationship. Obviously, I love you both very much and I don't want to just end things on a bad note and walk away. It's been hard enough the past 15 months or so dealing with the whole situation with NM. Unlike her however, the two of you have put forth some effort over the years to try and make things work which is why I'm writing now in the hopes that we can find some middle ground on which to move forward.

There is the issue however of my feeling not heard by you both. The problem when you were in town recently was not that you wanted to take ds out, which is what I suspect you both may be thinking. I was fine with taking ds out shopping to one or two places. Rather, the problem was the restaurant itself. One, it was located outside of the area distance-wise that I am comfortable traveling. Two, it was a restaurant and restaurants are one of the places I avoid as they invoke extreme anxiety. Doesn't matter where it's located, what size it is or how many people are inside, the result is the same for me - intense anxiety and panic attacks. And just in case you were wondering, I can assure you it was not the company either. If you were to ask dh, he'd tell you I refuse to eat out with him as well. Lastly, as I mentioned previously to you both, there is the issue of eating out causing me rather bad stomach distress. My best guess is that it's the way it's prepared. Whatever the case, with the sole exception of Subway, eating out for me = bad gastrointestinal distress for hours afterward. Couple that with my anxiety and it's just really not good.

I tried to explain all of this to the both of you but felt you weren't willing to hear what I was saying because it wasn't what you wanted to hear. To clarify, I'm not saying this was your intention, merely that it is how I felt. It seemed that the only acceptable answer was, "Sounds great! Can't wait!" and anything else was dismissed outright.

I have spent about 30+ years of my life being taught that my feelings and thoughts didn't matter. Worse than that actually. I was made to feel that I didn't have a right to feel anything beyond what I was told I 'should' or 'ought to' feel. Basically I was expected to endure whatever abuse and disrespect they dished out silently and without complaint. More to the point, I was expected to be GRATEFUL for it because, as one clearly so undeserving, they had wasted their precious time and efforts on me anyway when, by all rights, they should have walked away and left me. I was nothing and I meant nothing to them. The few times I scrounged up the courage to speak up for myself - always done respectfully and voiced as more of a whisper - I was immediately labeled bad, wrong, ungrateful, disrespectful, selfish, "unable to take a joke" and, most hurtful of all, "too sensitive". 

AM I sensitive? You bet and with darn good reason too. I'd challenge anyone to go through what I went through, to be told every single day how stupid and worthless and undeserving they are and NOT come out of it sensitive. The alternative is death, be it physically at one's own hand or emotionally from giving up the fight. Yes, I am sensitive but TOO sensitive? I think not.

Another hot button for me is being lied to. Dad, with all due respect, you know full well that you most certainly did make the comment to me that my house is too small for you and NSM. Denying it and lying about it won't make it un-said. Now, I'm more than willing to give you the benefit of the doubt here. Let's say that, yes, you did make the comment but it was not intended as hurtful or disrespectful, which it how it was received by me. I could understand that. Heck, we've all stuck our foot in our mouth at one time or another or had what we were trying to say come out wrong. It happens. As some would say, that's life. But if that were the case, why not just say, "You know, I apologize for hurting your feelings. What I said came out wrong." or "I shouldn't have said that. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings by what I said."?

As you both know by now, I have a long history of being lied to by NM, NSJ and NHS. There are things I know for a fact happened, like the abuse, only to be told by all of them that it never happened and that I'm exaggerating or flat out lying. I'm not stupid, nor am I crazy, obviously, so I know what happened to me. Lying about it not only makes what actually happened that much worse but it's also an insult to my intelligence. By lying, they are projecting fault onto me instead of accepting responsibility themselves.

Ultimately, what I ask of you both is all I've ever asked of anyone - just to be treated with respect. Being treated rudely or dismissively, being lied to, having you consistently be speaking to someone in the background or watching television when I call or being told my opinion is flat out wrong rather than simply expressing disagreement are all examples of not being treated with respect. Being treated like I'm a disappointment to you both simply because my choices don't go along with what you both would choose is another example.

For a long time now, I've felt that your love and approval is conditional. I don't expect that you will understand or agree with all the choices I make for my life but it is my choice to make and I would like to feel that you both respect my right to do so. I don't need to be chastised like a child just because I dyed my hair purple or made to feel like a bad mother because I have a medical issue - my anxiety - that prohibits me from going certain places right now. My greatest nightmare, next to something happening that would take DS away from me, would be for him to grow up and live like I do, afraid to go out and crippled by anxiety. I think it was cruel and unnecessary to throw it in my face and imply that I am deficient as a mother or scarring my child because of something that is out of my control. It's bad enough that I have to live with the reality that it will negatively affect him at all. I would think that, as parents yourselves, you would know the pain of, despite your best efforts, your actions hurting your child.

I'm doing the best I can. The result of 30+ years of trauma and abuse isn't going to be undone in a handful of therapy visits and going out to a couple places a few times. It's going to take months of hard work and emotional upheaval to get it all sorted out. I get that it's frustrating to people who just want to go out and have a good time and don't see what the big deal is and I don't expect you both to fully understand. Actually, I think this is one of those things that one can never fully understand unless they've lived through it and had it affect their life the way it's affected mine. But I would hope that you both would at least be a little compassionate for what I'm going/have gone through.

And just to clarify, I'm not saying I'm perfect or blameless here. I fully admit to a certain degree of responsibility myself in our relationship. One good example is my needing to learn how to speak up in the moment instead of bottling everything up all the time until I cannot take anymore and then explode. But by the same token, I also don't think it's exactly fair to make out that you all have consistently been the only ones to bend over backward or otherwise imply that I haven't contributed anything at all. I call, I send pictures and updates on my family, I offer prayers and support at difficult times, I've played "sounding board" for you both, I've remember special occasions, etc. and the last two times you guys came down here to visit (not including this last time), I've gone outside my comfort zone in an effort to accommodate you both and ensure you had a nice time while visiting us, just to name a few. True, I may not be able to travel at this time but I do my best to try and make up for that in other ways and it would be nice to receive just a little appreciation for what I am able to do and have done instead of most often hearing how I could improve.

All that being said, I think I've stated my feelings here in a very polite, mature, respectful manner. No cursing, no attacks, no insults, just an honest explanation of my feelings in the hope that we can find some common ground and go forward. I hope and pray that your responses and intentions will be the same.

My love to you both,

DA xoxo

To be honest, while I'd LIKE a polite, respectful response from them, I'm really not expecting much beyond more chastising and insults. However, I'm hoping that, for once, I'm wrong and will find myself pleasantly surprised.

Wish me luck!

Happy Birthday!!

Just wanted to wish my bestest little man a very Happy 5th Birthday today! I love you more than anything. You are my heart and my reason for being and I am so very proud of you. Watching you grow and become your own person over the past five years has been such a joy and I can't wait to see all the amazing things that will come in the future. I pray that you always know and feel just how much I love you. In the words of the singer Pink, you're fucking perfect to me. I love you baby man. Always and forever.

Your Mama

No contact yet...

Still no contact from NSM and NF since they left for home state this past Friday. I'm guessing this "silent treatment" is my punishment for standing up to them and "disrespecting them" the way I did. As usual, my feelings about the withdrawal are two-fold. On the one hand, I'm hurt. I have done NOTHING wrong yet have once again been labeled as too sensitive or otherwise wrong somehow and it's not fair. It hurts to be blamed for something you actually did, even more so for something you did not do. On the other hand however, I don't really have a desire to speak to either of them for a while yet so I'm kind of glad they haven't attempted to contact me.

I have a feeling though that I'll be getting a phone call from NSM tomorrow sometime. My guess is that they are waiting until dh isn't home which would normally mean that I am more easily pushed around. Given the fact that I had no problem standing my ground the last time when dh wasn't here, you'd think they'd know better at this point. Guess they're thinking maybe it was a fluke thing..?

It will be interesting to see how they progress from here. Will they act like everything is just fine and behave as normal or will there be some kind of attitude and/or a chastising of my behavior while they were in town? Guess only time will tell...

New song...

Anyone heard the song "Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri? I happened upon it a couple of days ago and it really resonated with me. According to Perri, she penned the song about a serial heartbreaker she once dated. The singer stated in her blog the story behind the tune: "I wrote the song after I went home to Philadelphia for the holiday last December. I sat in my childhood bedroom and hid from the boy (with the jar of hearts) who wanted to see me. My heart wanted to see him, my head knew better." The song's music video was directed by Jay Martin and was shot on a soundstage designed as a New York City street.

Though it may technically be about a "serial heartbreaker", I noticed in the comments section on YouTube that one poster at least thought it could be about being involved with a sociopath. I personally find it applies to being involved with a narcissist, though the part about that first kiss wouldn't apply to NP's.

Anyway, here's the video - which, by the way, is also totally awesome. The contemporary dance routines in it are just....wow. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.



And here are the lyrics for those who'd like to read them...
 
"Jar of Hearts" by Christina Perri

I know I can't take one more step towards you
Cause all that's waiting is regret
And don't you know I'm not your ghost anymore?
You lost the love
I loved the most

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

I hear you're asking all around
If I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong
To ever fall back in your arms

And I learned to live, half-alive
And now you want me one more time

Who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Who do you think you are?

Dear, it took so long just to feel alright
Remember how to put back the light in my eyes
I wish I had missed the first time that we kissed
Cause you broke all your promises
And now you're back
You don't get to get me back

Who do you think you are?
Runnin' round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
So don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

And who do you think you are?
Runnin round leaving scars
Collecting your jar of hearts
And tearing love apart
You're gonna catch a cold
From the ice inside your soul
Don't come back for me
Don't come back at all

Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?
Who do you think you are?

Feeling a bit better today...

I still feel a bit down but I keep reminding myself of all the shitty things that NF and NSM have done, recently as well as over the years, and with each recollection, the sadness decreases and my good friend, justified anger moves closer. Not that I'm sitting here all angry either exactly but I'm less feeling sorry for myself and more feeling, "Fuck 'em!", know what I mean? :o)

So far, no further contact from NSM or NF. I'm betting it won't last though. I suspect that, in a couple of days, I'll receive an phone call or email from NSM (or possibly NF) saying how "disappointed" they were in my recent behavior and that they weren't able to visit with ds because of it, and after "coming all this way" too. Awww. Can ya hear the violins?

Looking forward to tomorrow. We're going out to my IL's to celebrate ds' birthday. Since dh was invited by my BIL to watch a pay-per-view boxing match that won't end till really late (and since they're calling for some pretty big storms to come through here) we've decided to stay over at my IL's. It will be kind of fun to get away for a night, even if it is only the next town over! And it will be especially nice to be around family who loves and supports me "as is"!

Hope you all have wonderful weekends!

NSM and NF called back...

NSM called back last night the second time. Yep. My own NF - Mr. Big Shot - was too chicken shit to call me back and handle business himself. Instead, he kept making comments in the background while he let his wife handle it. Coward.

So anyways, NSM calls and it was more of the same pathetic, "poor me" bullshit that I'd gotten towards the end of the call with her earlier yesterday. That they didn't know what more to do, that they felt very hurt because they'd come all this way to see us, blah blah. But, NSM said that they "didn't want to upset me" and added that she didn't want to become any more upset than she already was.....oh BOO HOOO!

At about this point, she mentioned that she'd spoken to my NF and he claims he never said that my house was too small. He says that the only comment he made was that they'd come down and spent time at my house before and wanted to go out this time round. I said to her, "YES. He DID say that but, at any rate, that's not the main issue. It's more one instance that is part of a larger pattern of being rude and dismissive." NSM restated that NF claims he didn't say it and I just said, "Whatever."

She went on to say that she guessed she'd just have to mail DS' bday stuff from her friends house since she didn't want to have to tote it all back up to home state and that it would be cheaper shipping from here too. (Amazing how they suddenly found room in their vehicle to tote "all that stuff" when there wasn't going to be room for two cabinets, isn't it?)

Then she said if anything changed and I decided I wanted them to come, to call. Otherwise, (insert pathetic 'woe is me' sigh) she guessed they'd just have to see us next time round. This was all said as if she was completely worn out which, turns out, apparently they were. According to NSM, they are "super tired from all the FUN they've been having all week with their friends"! When I didn't take the bait and say I wanted to see them after all and instead just said, "Okay." NSM quickly added that, "That's okay. Your father had a couple more things he wanted to do before we left for home anyway." I suppose that was intended as a nasty dig at me. Sort of a "Fine then. We'd rather do X anyways!" type of thing. Whatever. It blew right over my head without so much as a batted eyelash.

She closed with another 'woe is them' comment about how I should call if I changed my mind but that they'd just see us next time. Another similar comment was made just after that which I am unable to recall at the moment. I said simply, "Okay then." which apparently shocked her for a minute because she said nothing for a few seconds. Then she recovered and, in her best pathetic voice, said, "Okay then. Bye." I said, "Bye!" and hung up.

For almost two hours after the call, I felt wonderful. So light and free. About two hours later however, in came the sadness all of a sudden. 

I was rather surprised to feel it, to be honest. I guess the whole reality of not having ANY parents in my life who love me for me hit home.

At this point, so far as they are concerned, I haven't gone fully NC. As NM would probably say, right now I'm just being "silly" and I'll eventually come to my senses and we'll sort the whole thing out. Am really not sure how to proceed at this moment. I'd thought I'd wanted to go NC and, in one respect, I still do I suppose. Well, less of a "wanting to" go NC and more of a "I don't see what else to do" type of thing. Bottom line, NSM and NF are who they are and, like NM, they aren't going to change. I can stand up for myself like I did yesterday all I want and while it may change things ever so slightly, it's really not going to have that much of an effect. So the question becomes, is it worth having my NF in my life to have to continue putting up with the constant BS and insults or would I rather just walk away like I did with NM?

I'm thinking of giving it a couple days to allow my head to clear. Right now, I feel like I'm in a total FOG mode and I try not to make big decisions - like going NC - when I'm feeling like that. I prefer to let my head clear a bit and then reevaluate to see if I still feel the same way.

I just hope that, at the very least, NSM and NF give me the time and space to do so....