Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Letter I am strongly considering sending to NF....

IF I decide to send this, I would do so only because it's what I wanted and needed to do FOR ME. As far as I'm concerned, whatever farce of a relationship I had with NSM and NF is over and there is no going back. But there are some things I've been wanting and needing to say purely for me and so I am thinking of sending a response. 

Here's my letter:

Amazing how, even after all this time, you continue to blame a 12 year old child for the fact that you ABANDONED her and were an irresponsible father. YOU alone chose to walk away. YOU. Not me. YOU were the adult, I was the child. The fact that you continue to blame me for your choices is nothing short of disgusting and cowardly.

You don't want to be compared to my mother? Then stop acting JUST LIKE HER! Honestly, you two sit there, just like mom, with your false declarations of “unconditional love” when the reality is anything but. You don't want unconditional love, you want unconditional CONTROL over me and my life. So long as I sit there quietly, with my head down and never have any thoughts or opinions of my own – least of all any that contradict you – and never ask to be treated fairly or with respect then all is well and I am the “good daughter”. But the second I politely say, “That hurts. Could you please not do that anymore”, suddenly I'm a hateful little brat and you all withhold your love and approval. That's not real love, that's manipulation and abuse.

And how DARE you presume to tell me what I am or am not feeling! Who the hell are you to tell me such things? I do not now, nor have I ever needed you to tell me what I feel, thank you very much. I am a 34 year old, intelligent adult woman and, as such, am more than capable of deciding for myself how I feel I'm being treated by others and whether or not I'm feeling anxious or angry or whatever the hell else I'm feeling at that moment.

You don't lie?! PLEASE! Virtually all the two of you do is lie! You even lie about totally mundane shit like claiming you didn't make the comment about my house being too small when all you had to say was, “Sorry. That came out wrong.” The two of you think you are ever so clever, claiming to be these perfect parents and upstanding citizens. You place all responsibility for the fact that the three of us kids hate being around you two on US as if we're simply just stupid, ungrateful little brats. The two of you are NEVER at fault, NEVER to blame, yet you have the gall to claim that you “aren't perfect and make mistakes”. Please! You two think you are second only to God HIMSELF and you make that attitude QUITE clear to everyone you come into contact with!

Tell me, if you are both truly such amazingly wonderful, loving, supportive parents why do all of us kids do our best to be around you as little as possible? Why does N, according to you, only call when he needs something? Why does L have, as NSM puts it, such a “bad attitude” and ill feelings toward the two of you? Why do I get stressed to the point of becoming physically ill when a visit with you is impending? Do you honestly think I'm the only one who feels this way about you? Whatever happened to Uncle A? The M's? The S's? The K's? Tanta L? Oh, wait. I forget. It's all of US with the problem while the two of you are perfect servants of God, right? What a joke.

I don't “perceive” all these things about you and NSM, I KNOW them for a fact. What I haven't seen or experienced myself firsthand can be verified through very reliable sources. Sources like, say, online public court and police records and/or the C------/M----- area police and sherrif's departments. It's all a matter of looking up the info online and/or making a few calls to the right people and – VOILA! - the truth! And I must say, the resulting truth is a VERY different story than the one you and NSM are always spewing. Very different indeed.

As for my son, as his MOTHER, I have every right to say who ds is allowed to go out with and who he isn't and I don't owe anyone any explanations, nor do I have to justify my decisions to anyone, most of all to the two of YOU. If I tell you that, when he is with you, he is to only wear blue shirts with red shorts and eat nothing but pizza then that is my perogative to do so. Furthermore, the fact that he is supposedly “all over you” when you are here means little. He was “all over” my hairdresser, Becky, a few weeks ago when she was here and he'd only met her for the first time that day. It was the same thing a week later when he met the two teachers who were present at his speech evaluation that day. Doesn't mean he'd be comfortable going out alone with those people to shop for the day nor does it mean I'd be comfortable letting any of them take him. In truth, ds knows OF you but he doesn't truly KNOW you because he's only met you 2 or 3 times in his lifetime for a few hours each time.

The ONLY part of your entire email that I agree with is where you say relationships go both ways. You are right. Relationships, healthy ones, DO go both ways, but there ARE “stipulations” as you call them. They are called boundaries and all HEALTHY relationships have them, including my relationship with my husband. But what YOU are demanding is a very different sort of relationship than the one you describe. What YOU are asking, nay...DEMANDING is a ONE way relationship in which the two of you are allowed to say and/or do whatever the hell you please and apparently I'm just supposed to shut up, smile and say thank you as I hand over complete control of my own life. The proof of that fact is both of your reaction to a simple request to be treated with mutual respect.

ALL I've done up till now is to tell you both very politely and respectfully that a few things were said/done that hurt me and even stated that it was possible it wasn't your intention to do so. I told you openly how and why I felt the way I did/do in the hopes that it would help you better understand where I am coming from. And what did I get for my efforts? I got further insult, accused of being disrespectful and attacking you both and some half assed fake apology that basically says, “I”m sorry you're such an overly- sensitive little brat”. A REAL apology is where someone accepts blame for something they did, such as by saying, “I'm sorry I hurt you with the comment I made about your house being too small.” An apology does NOT project responsibility onto someone else, particularly onto the victim, which is what you are trying to do.

Your entire response – yours as well as NSM's – is nothing but YOU, YOU, YOU. How the two of YOU have suffered. YOUR pain. YOUR hardships. What YOU'VE had to go through, most of which has apparently been because of me despite the fact that I was a child for most of it. NOWHERE in either of your responses is there any concern or caring for ME and/or MY pain at all. Rather, your attitude is one of, “You're WRONG!” Clearly, I don't even have a right to feel what I feel according to the both of you yet I'm to believe you love me unconditionally and respect me? I think not.

At this point, I am just done. I am BEYOND sick and tired of being the scapegoat for all of your wrongdoings and bad decisions. The truth is that I have four lousy parents who couldn't handle their own personal issues and lost me in the whole process and who, when I've dared to ask for a little love and acceptance, continued to kick me to the side and blame me for their shortcomings. As far as I'm concerned, you can all take your “unconditional love” and SHOVE IT up your self-righteous, narcissistic asses.





  1. Simply perfect! You have my blessing on sending it as is. Perfection plus:D

  2. Good for you! One thought: Don't give them anything to use against you. Take this to your counselor and see what they say. I've written similar letters, and found that burning them was very satisfying, and there was no fallout.

  3. DoaS - I think this is powerful. It is emotionally charged and painfully truthful. I can sense all the anger you've probably kept "safely" tucked away for far too long! I stand with you in your journey in search of truth and unconditional love.

  4. I just read the last corresponding posts leading up to this email and...IT'S THE BEST COURSE OF ACTION EVER! Ok, I was a bit over-zealous there, but in reading your NSM and NF's responses which were nothing but saying you're wrong and you're stupid and please don't think just comply, this letter seems like the way to go. It's again, powerful, gritty, but absolutely needed. IF you decide to send this off, it'll be well worth it. Breathe a sigh of relief then prepare for backlash!

    Affirmation and power!

  5. Which ever you chose to do, I support you. If you send it, there will be overt backlash. If you don't, there will be internal backlash. Why do I know? I have done both. One letter I had my counselor help me write it. I asked for one specific thing. The person I sent it to and their spouse didn't speak to me for 6 months. Another letter I wrote and tore up. I regretted more than once tearing it up. No easy answers but you can do this. You have written a powerful letter that clearly states how you feel. The greatest power is you get to choose what to do with it.

  6. When I got rid of the N friend in my life, I went cold turkey silently. I stopped answering her weird emails, didn't respond to an e-birthday card. I knew from past experience that she wouldn't even read an email or a letter past the first words that indicated she'd have to look in a mirror.

    But like others, I support whatever you decide. Go deep within and take your time. The answer will come sooner or later. :) --joyfulalivewoman