Friday, April 22, 2011

I've reached a decision...

I had typed up a response to NSM's email and had dh read it to get his thoughts. In talking with him, I've decided that I'm not going to respond. Dh thinks that a) I shouldn't justify her ridiculous comments with a valid response and b) that the best response is to just go on and live my life well and to hell with NSM and NF. I asked dh, "So you're saying I should just not respond then? No emails, no phone calls, etc.? But then what if they continue calling here?" Dh says that I should just either not respond/answer or if I do answer the phone one time and NSM says something like, "Why aren't you talking to me/us?" to just tell her the truth - because I don't have time for ridiculous accusations and pissing contests over whose pain is the worst, etc. and that since that's all they seem willing to offer me, that I've decided to move on without them.

As is often the case, dh made a lot of sense. Sending a response would also serve only to perpetuate the drama and who needs more of that? So I think I'm going to take dh's advice and just move on without them and not respond.

I have to say, I feel a huge weight has been lifted already. Considering how much I improved just cutting NM, NSJ and NHS and all their toxicity out of my life, I can't imagine what heights I can soar to without NF and NSM's toxicity hanging over my head!


  1. All great decisions, and I am glad you have a supportive sounding board in your husband:) That helps a lot.

    I was hoping for a nice surprise for you, and I thought your letter was respectful, thoughtful, and one that should have had an understanding response.

    When I went through these things, I was not quite that good at communicating, not that I think it would have made one scrap of difference.

  2. Thank you WSP! In all honesty, I think the ONLY comment that would get a positive response out of an N would be if I had said, "You are 100% right NSM. I'm so sorry for hurting you yet again. You are such a magnanimously wonderful and loving person to have continued to put up with me all these years." *GAG!!!* (I think I just threw up a little!!!) Beyond that, no matter HOW kindly or politely or non-confrontationally we word our comments, they are still apparently going to be seen as an attack. Best thing to do when you've tried with no success time and again is to just WALK AWAY and be DONE with them and their crap!

  3. I've read your last few posts and completely sympathize with you. The Dragon and I went through a VERY similar exchange a few months ago. Narcs can justify, blame, and defend FOREVER. SOMETIMES things are better left unsaid... in the case of 'your feelings' and a Narc... this ALWAYS applies. Take the peace you have now and run with it.

  4. That's great that you've decided not to respond.

    Isn't it amazing how the option of not responding can seem so wrong? I think it's part of the dynamic of getting caught in the N-web.

  5. Atta girl. As someone who did this, and also is 10 months out from my N mother's death, I can say that a veil lifts and there is occasional wonderment at the life that can be led - a life we couldn't have imagined we could lead. --joyfulalivewoman

  6. Not sure what to say since I am in the same spot. I like the possibility of no answer. My counselor has encouraged me to do this sometimes in this type of situation. How about, have a great weekend? And not think about them for a few days.