Thursday, April 14, 2011

NSM and NF called back...

NSM called back last night the second time. Yep. My own NF - Mr. Big Shot - was too chicken shit to call me back and handle business himself. Instead, he kept making comments in the background while he let his wife handle it. Coward.

So anyways, NSM calls and it was more of the same pathetic, "poor me" bullshit that I'd gotten towards the end of the call with her earlier yesterday. That they didn't know what more to do, that they felt very hurt because they'd come all this way to see us, blah blah. But, NSM said that they "didn't want to upset me" and added that she didn't want to become any more upset than she already was.....oh BOO HOOO!

At about this point, she mentioned that she'd spoken to my NF and he claims he never said that my house was too small. He says that the only comment he made was that they'd come down and spent time at my house before and wanted to go out this time round. I said to her, "YES. He DID say that but, at any rate, that's not the main issue. It's more one instance that is part of a larger pattern of being rude and dismissive." NSM restated that NF claims he didn't say it and I just said, "Whatever."

She went on to say that she guessed she'd just have to mail DS' bday stuff from her friends house since she didn't want to have to tote it all back up to home state and that it would be cheaper shipping from here too. (Amazing how they suddenly found room in their vehicle to tote "all that stuff" when there wasn't going to be room for two cabinets, isn't it?)

Then she said if anything changed and I decided I wanted them to come, to call. Otherwise, (insert pathetic 'woe is me' sigh) she guessed they'd just have to see us next time round. This was all said as if she was completely worn out which, turns out, apparently they were. According to NSM, they are "super tired from all the FUN they've been having all week with their friends"! When I didn't take the bait and say I wanted to see them after all and instead just said, "Okay." NSM quickly added that, "That's okay. Your father had a couple more things he wanted to do before we left for home anyway." I suppose that was intended as a nasty dig at me. Sort of a "Fine then. We'd rather do X anyways!" type of thing. Whatever. It blew right over my head without so much as a batted eyelash.

She closed with another 'woe is them' comment about how I should call if I changed my mind but that they'd just see us next time. Another similar comment was made just after that which I am unable to recall at the moment. I said simply, "Okay then." which apparently shocked her for a minute because she said nothing for a few seconds. Then she recovered and, in her best pathetic voice, said, "Okay then. Bye." I said, "Bye!" and hung up.

For almost two hours after the call, I felt wonderful. So light and free. About two hours later however, in came the sadness all of a sudden. 

I was rather surprised to feel it, to be honest. I guess the whole reality of not having ANY parents in my life who love me for me hit home.

At this point, so far as they are concerned, I haven't gone fully NC. As NM would probably say, right now I'm just being "silly" and I'll eventually come to my senses and we'll sort the whole thing out. Am really not sure how to proceed at this moment. I'd thought I'd wanted to go NC and, in one respect, I still do I suppose. Well, less of a "wanting to" go NC and more of a "I don't see what else to do" type of thing. Bottom line, NSM and NF are who they are and, like NM, they aren't going to change. I can stand up for myself like I did yesterday all I want and while it may change things ever so slightly, it's really not going to have that much of an effect. So the question becomes, is it worth having my NF in my life to have to continue putting up with the constant BS and insults or would I rather just walk away like I did with NM?

I'm thinking of giving it a couple days to allow my head to clear. Right now, I feel like I'm in a total FOG mode and I try not to make big decisions - like going NC - when I'm feeling like that. I prefer to let my head clear a bit and then reevaluate to see if I still feel the same way.

I just hope that, at the very least, NSM and NF give me the time and space to do so....


  1. I agree with you on giving your self a rest. You have tolerated them all your life taking a rest is totally understandable. Breaking patterns is the first step. Good for you for standing your ground. Amazing feeling for me when I do. Take care. Ruth

  2. I haven't read through all you previous postings but, WOW. From the snippets of conversation with your NSM that you related, you have totally nailed your assessment of her as a narcissist. You probably didn't need that validation but there it is, anyway.

    The sadness is completely normal. No matter what you decide to do, NC or not, the sadness will get easier and easier the more you let yourself accept that they are who they are (and that their behaviour has nothing to do with you).

    My vote would be that you continue to stand up for yourself, and not tolerate any more abuse. It just seems like the healthiest thing to do for you and your family. If it means that you have to walk away to avoid the abuse, then so be it.

    Hugs to you!

  3. From what I have learned, being honest and setting boundaries is the best way to open up the possibility of actually having a relationship. Yes, I know I am NC with my female and male donor plus my step monster. However, I did open up the possibility of us continuing to have a relationship by respecting certain boundaries. So as long as you have been clear as to what those are, then you have given them to the choice (should you choose to continue) to step up to the plate or not.

    I have at least two important relationships where the relationship continued after my being honest. Actually learned that I misunderstood much about my grandmother on my male donor's side, and realized that my mother-in-law did a lot of things out of love (not disrespect) when we got to having an open dialogue. I had a lot of mistrust issues living with my donors and step monster, that it was hard to recognize true interest and concern that was not criticism and digging for things to use against me:)

    I also grieved for those relationships that were lost (or the fantasy of those relationships). This is entirely normal. It is a long road to acceptance if you decide to go that route and it's the best one for you.

    I accepted that my donors never loved me (per my definition), and could have still kept up the facade of communication. However, the abuse and harrassment from people that did not even love me, I don't think so. Everyone has the right to enjoy their lives, and the gifts of love and family (that truly love them) to be enjoyed. No one deserves the life to be sucked out of them, or to be made less by accepting the abuse.

    I found myself by no longer accepting their abuse. And like I said, it was totally within their power to continue, just respect some non negotiable boundaries. They chose not to, and in my mind that is their choice to make. I am fine with that, not surprised, and very accepting of it:) Took my so many years to get over grieving for the relatinships that I never had.