Thursday, April 21, 2011

My response to NSM's comments...

Her comments are still in blue. My responses are in black beneath.


Really?! And I don't? Do you realize that each time we have been down to see you since I found out my problem, there was no offer for me as for food? I can't go for hours without eating. And you didn't want ds to go without you because he doesn't know us that well and you said you didn't know how he would react, not that each time we are down there he is all over us.

I never said she didn't have stomach issues nor have I ever expected her to go hours without eating. In fact, I told both of them multiple times that if they wanted/needed to go OUT to eat so badly that they could go on their way to see us, on the way home from visiting or they could take time out and either go out to eat or bring food back to the house to eat here. It was NSM and NF who said she did not want to do any of those things. As for offering her food on previous visits, I have asked her multiple times, including just before this last trip, what she could eat and/or otherwise tried to arrange to have special gluten-free items. SHE told me, and I quote, "Oh don't do that. Don't worry about me or go to any special lengths to make special meals or dishes for me. I don't want anyone to do that." So if she had nothing to eat here, that is on HER. NOT ME! And as for her supposed "problem" with gluten, she's been tested no less than FOUR TIMES and every single time it's come back NEGATIVE for gluten allergy. More to the point, if SHE prepares all her own food and, I assume, avoids gluten products, WHY then does she still continue to have such stomach issues and all these flare ups multiple times a week? And ds is FIVE YEARS OLD, he'll be "all over" ANYONE who gives him the time of day and offers to play with him. Hell, he was the same way with NM and she couldn't have cared less about the child so it's not like they are some awesome GP's and he's so in love with them or something.

Do you not also realize that in all of our conversation you do the most talking and alot of background talk is in your home, wich is fine most of the time.

Again, I am the mother of a five year old. Five year olds interrupt you when you're on the phone. It's just what they do. I've tried my best to tell him that when I'm on the phone that he needs to either figure it out himself or ask daddy or just wait unless it's an emergency. That being said, my being interrupted by my ds repeatedly has NOTHING whatsoever to do with my comment about them being dismissive and unwilling to listen to my reasons for not wanting to go out to eat. Classic N refusal to accept blame and trying to make ME the bad guy. As for me supposedly doing most of the talking, she's on crack. Majority of the time, I can barely get a word in edgewise. She either cuts me off repeatedly, talks over me or, as soon as she's done blathering on and it's my turn, suddenly she HAS to go right now. What a crock.

I do not appreciate being compared to [them]. We have treated you with respect and listened to some very harsh words from you. As for what dad said to you I didn't hear the conversation. I personally don't think your home is small, we just wanted to do something different.

Well, if she's so offended at being compared to them, perhaps she should stop acting just like them then! Yes, they have listened to some very harsh words from me in the past but a) that was like NINE YEARS AGO and b) I had damn good reason to be angry considering my supposed father had abandoned me for over 15 years with no warning or explanation other than some supposedly noble bullshit about how he knew my NM would never give up and so he walked away since he didn't want me to be pulled back and forth. Since WHEN??!! My entire life has been nothing BUT being pulled back and forth by the four of them! At any rate, since that one letter nine years ago, I've been nothing but polite and respectful to them both. In fact, this is the first time I've ever stood up to them like this since. Despite that, I have not gotten the same respect in return, this latest response being yet another perfect example. Instead of apologizing for the fact that I was hurt – even though it may be entirely possible it wasn't their intention at the time (though I don't buy that for a second) – I continue to get more of the same, “Well what about US and OUR pain?” BS from them. It's the exact same game I was always getting from NM. I'd try to open up and bare my heart to her in the hopes that she would understand and we could move forward and instead all I ever got was how SHE hurt, how SHE'S suffered. what point exactly do I get to have MY turn for people to listen to me and feel bad for me and what I'VE been through? Why must it ALWAYS be about the four of THEM and what THEY'VE had to go through, apparently all because of ME despite the fact that I was the child and they all were, supposedly, the adults?

Personally I think you are taking too much controll over everday things in your life and are unwilling to compromise. It sounds hard, but it's your way or no way.

LOL Projection much? Actually, she's right in one regard. I AM trying to take back control of my own life, control that was stolen from me years ago by the four of them. I'm tired of being a doormat and a scapegoat. I'm tired of constantly getting the short end of the stick and being crapped on and forgotten and left to suffer alone because my four parents couldn't handle their personal issues and lost me in the whole process! I'm tired of always being made to pay the price because the four of them can't (or won't) get their sh*t together and just be freaking RESPECTFUL to me. I mean, seriously, how hard is it to just be NICE? (Apparently, it's VERY hard for an N!)
This I don't get at all...and it hurts..very much

Oh what the frack ever! Then stop treating me like I'm not good enough simply because I'm not willing to lie there like a good little doormat and/or don't conduct every facet of the my life the way YOU two think I should! And yet again with HER pain! Oye!!

Who said that???
(Comment in regard to my statement about it being thrown in my face how I'm supposedly scarring my child due to my anxiety and agoraphobia issues.)
YOU said that, NSM! You said it the first time we spoke the Thursday before you guys left to go back to home state. You told me to excuse you because all you wanted to do was take ds out and have fun for once. Then you mentioned how I was always telling you how I didn't want ds to grow up to have anxiety and all like me and all but came out and said I was basically guaranteeing it simply because I didn't want to go out to eat that day. Yet all of a sudden, she has no recollection of saying it. It's the old N trick of deny, deny, deny.

We do, but why do you have to rip us a new one when we want to do something and it doesn't fit you? We could have met up with dh. And why is it O.K. for you to talk with us like this, we're supposed to take it and not feel hurt, upset, sad.

A.) At no point have I “ripped them a new one”, NSM OR NF. I simply stated my feelings in a polite, respectful way in an effort to try and help them see where I was coming from in the hopes that we could come to some common ground and move forward. B.) NO, NSM, you couldn't have just "met up with DH" as he had to work Thursday and couldn't take any time off as was explained to you both. Also, the both of you said multiple times that you wanted me there because you “wanted everyone together”, the direct implication being that my NOT going was not an acceptable option. C.) What is “talking to you like this”? At NO point in my original letter to you OR during our talks on the phone that last time have I been rude or disrespectful to you, save for MAYBE the ONE comment I made where I used the “f” word. Furthermore, at no point did I say you all couldn't feel hurt, upset, sad or however else you choose to feel. Unlike YOU, NSM,
I don't presume to tell other people how they should react because I realize it's their own personal right to feel however they hell they choose! YOU however, have apparently seen fit to tell me that everything I've said about how I felt, how I saw things, etc. is wrong or otherwise inappropriate. Clearly, I don't even have the right to my own feelings!

Just because there was no cursing [doesn't mean] there were [no] attacks and insults.

You have NO idea how much I love you and try so hard to understand ALL of what's going on with you. I've been through some of what is happening to you. And as some people point out to me I'm much stronger then I think I am. But little do most know how hurt I am by many things that have happened to me with my family. I do not like resolving proplems through emails. You get wrong attitudes because of the way each person reads them. And last, I'm tired of getting these letters, I'm about ready to stop emails and the computer all together, hardly go on FB any more. Just please do not compare us with [NM, NSJ and NHS]. This visit might have hit a nerve but our intent was not to upset anyone, not even us. We are getting older and our time coming down there might get less with the hope of a new call, there is so much we want to do with the Church and time is running out. I told you we REALLY needed R&R and it really hurts that we didn't get to see all of you. I will tell you something I have notice is that even when we were on line (skype) with you, you were very nervious. I could tell that the closer we got to coming down the stress in your voice started. And maybe if we lived closer and saw you more that might not happen, but, I don't think so. I think you find it safe to talk with us over the phone and it's even braver through email and that is more comforting and controlled for you.  That is not a criticism just fact that I can feel in you and know it's there. So I will end it here, the rest of the week is very busy with work and Holy week. Take care of each other.
unconditional: without condition or limatations, absolute.
without condition or limatation....think about that, when have we not done that? There is a time in each of us when we know when to let something go or move on or let pass till later. Sometimes later doesn't come. In this case not coming down because of the stress we may have put on you was the let it pass till later. But we never forget our love for our family and special friends. You have my love, support, friendship,and respect. NSM

Typical to N form, her WHOLE response is all about HER. How SHE hurts. How SHE feels. How SHE'S suffered. How I'VE supposedly attacked HER. (Can you hear the violins?) She claims to love me unconditionally, even gave me a freaking DEFINITION of the word, yet I fail to see the proof. Where is the evidence of this supposed caring about ME and MY pain, MY suffering, what I'VE gone through/am going through? Not ONCE have either of them apologized for the fact that I was upset or hurt by their words/actions to the point that I became physically ILL due to the stress. Not once was it asked of me what other situation – other than going out to eat – might I be more comfortable doing. In fact, no inquiry or concern as to MY comfort has been expressed AT ALL! Instead, I was told that I could sit there and not eat while we all went out to eat. That was their big 'compromise' that was offered which, in reality, wasn't a compromise AT ALL. Rather it was them getting their way once again and me being expected to just shut up and deal with it. “That's life” as NF would say. Well you know what? I'm TIRED of always being expected to just shut up and deal with the sh*t that is constantly heaped upon my head by all of them.

I'm sorry if they were hurt by not getting to see us (though I don't buy that for a second) but you know what? If it was TRULY that important to them, it wouldn't have mattered what we did or where we were, only that we were TOGETHER. And let's just put it out on the table right now - they did NOT come "all this way" to see US. They came to vacation with their friends. PERIOD. We were just something to fit into the itinerary, a side stop on their time here. As NSM said herself, they "REALLY needed some R&R", which is fine. They're certainly entitled to a vacation same as anyone, but DON'T make out like the whole purpose of the trip was to visit and spend time with us when it wasn't and DON'T attempt to make me feel like I ruined the whole purpose of them coming all this way when that's not the case.

And here we go yet again with the "We're getting older you know" and the implied threats that "sometimes later never comes". You wanna get right down to it, I could die tomorrow due to accident or disease. You just never know and there are no guarantees to how long we get on this Earth. Seems to me that with death looming ever nearer, they'd think twice before acting like such disrespectful ARSEHOLES since it would likely be ME to decide what happens to them in their old age!

To address her other observation about how she's noticed I'm “nervous” even talking via Skype with them both, she is absolutely right. Well....almost anyway. I DO get nervous when I hear that they are coming down and it gets worse the closer it gets to them being here. Why? Because I know me and my home will be put to the test and scrutinized by the both of them and that they will both ultimately find multiple faults with everything. The last time they were here there were at least two dozen complaints about how we live, etc. They complained that we don't flush the toilet enough, that ds doesn't wash his hands enough, that we feed ds McDonald's too much, that I don't go out enough, that they were BORED when they were here, etc. NSM complained about WHERE we went out shopping that day, she insulted most everything I commented that I liked and then she and NF both told me I needed to basically buck up and “go on despite the pain” that I was having due to having overdone it that day all in an effort to accommodate THEM because, after all, THEY did it and what's good enough for them should be just fine for me too, right? My outfit was nitpicked, my anxiety issues chastised and those just to name a few.

The overall tone was one of obvious disappointment in me and my life. Almost always there is the “Oh...” or a sigh or even just a look and the message received is that they CLEARLY don't approve or are otherwise disappointed. NSM admits to actually NOTICING this, yet still can't fathom that THEY are the cause of it! Nope, nothing to do with them. Just another one of my many obvious faults.


  1. DA, I'm so sorry that you got this response from your step mother. It was apparent that she didn't want to take the time to understand your point of view and just wanted to write over it with her feelings. I've been there before.

    I think the most frustrating thing is when we had the courage to speak up that something was going wrong and they don't even acknowledge what we said. Instead of indicating they hear or are trying to understand what we are saying - they re-write the letter with only their point of view.

    I didn't see any demands in your letter - only a request to proceed more respectfully. You held yourself accountable to the same standard.

  2. A few years ago, I would have made a comment about talking about this a little at a time, choosing your words carefully, pay attention to the timing until the delete button would become the most important key on the keyboard for you. I have learned differently. I tried all those things. I don't know any answers because I am in the middle of this type of thing myself. I can validate that you are reading this whole thing very accurately. Your assessment is clear and your conclusions unfortunately are spot on in my opinion. What is it about adults that they expect the children to put up with whatever and when any thing is said it so not OK? I am sorry this was their approach. Both the letter and the silence are hurtful in their own way. I hope you can set this aside for the weekend and enjoy a break with DH and son. I am planning on munching malted Robin eggs one of my favorite candies that only come out this time of year.