Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Well, I did it.

I sent the email to NSM and NF. Guess now we'll have to wait and see how they respond. Why am I so nervous? :oS


  1. Well written. Just a warning though, people don't like to be called on their "stuff." Most people play passive-aggressive and other games. Their intent is to duck and weave and avoid any kind of challenge at all. So I'm glad you're not expecting the response you'd like to receive.

    My mother passed away when I was 58. She NEVER acknowledged my being grown up, an adult who'd worked in the corporate world for 30+ years, raised two children, etc. with intelligence and insight and normal human needs. I was always told "You're too sensitive!" from the time I was very young. To her I was a thorn in her side and useful mainly for narcissistic supply of various sorts.

    N's don't ever acknowledge another person's needs or feelings unless there's something in it for them, which makes it un-genuine. There's nothing in what you wrote that has any worth to them. They've made their position clear many times.

    The way your NSM and NF have been acting, they WANT to be in control and they're not going to give that up easily. My view is you'll always have to set strong boundaries on them. They're like vipers that strike when you least expect it and often when you're most down.

    It's like training a dog: swift punishment. No waiting, no thinking about it, no deciding what to do. You just set boundaries and don't let them in. I'll be interested to hear what happens but I think we already have our answer. You may love these people (as I loved my mother) but that doesn't mean they should be in your life. There will always be barbs and comments and power-tripping. But at least you understand it and you know what to do and you have a loving spouse and son, and hopefully loving friends. --joyfulalivewoman

  2. You are gutsy!! Your letter was very thorough, fair and compassionate to both sides. Speaking as a mom, I'm proud of you:) Have you heard back from them yet? Hope things work out well for you.

    Regardless of the flavor of their response, you've done what YOU can. You've taken responsibility for saying your truth, saying what you need. Healthy, strong people speak the truth, lovingly and straightforward like you just did, and their relationships, WITH NORMAL PEOPLE, get better and better.

    IF your father and stepmother choose to reply in an angry accusatory manner to your very respectful, soul-baring, precisely detailed plea for a mutually loving, respectful relationship, they will have proved, to me anyway, that they are poisonous to your life!

    Even a small trickle of poison over time is very debilitating and eventually deadly!! Some of the most cunning bad relatives do us in VERY SLOWLY...the old saying death by a thousand cuts. You are already, as you've justifiably stated, in a very vulnerable condition due to over THREE DECADES OF ABUSE BY SEVERAL SO-CALLED LOVED ONES!!!!! You don't owe your NF and NSM ANYTHING AT ALL!!

    You have my deepest sympathy on the extreme anxiety you feel "simply" stepping out your front door. I feel safest in our small home. I prefer to not leave the house without my DH. Lots of times he can't coax me to leave the house:(

    I told my T yesterday, that I can't go much longer without having my own dog. When I'm with a dog, walking outdoors by the ocean esp. or in the woods, I feel so happy, relaxed, confident and it's the only time I'm fully present in the now...no debilitating triggers from past s**t or worries about the future.

    We are renting a house and agreed to no pets. They've let us have a cat after being here almost 5 years as good renters. DH is a cat person mostly and I enjoy our semi-wild Mrs. Cat:).

    BUT, I need a dog almost like I need oxygen:D AND, moving is one of my worst triggers, because of doing so extremely often over 51 years. AND, what about Mrs. Cat??

    I feel so conflicted. My 25 yr old son said, MOM, you are more important than the cat. I know, but I feel like crying worrying about her needs. Like you, I'm very sensitive and for the same reasons you stated.

    My son's simple comment is strengthening my resolve to step through my fear and anxiety to get my own dog:). I love him SO MUCH:D

    What sweet,validating and encouraging words have your DH and son said to you that give you strength and motivation? Isn't their love incredibly motivating and safe feeling?

    Here's a big, warm hug from one mom to another...((((D.A.)))). You've made amazing strides in your life. You picked a real man full of love and respect as your very own DH. You've given each other the joy of being parents. Daily, you CHOOSE to fight like crazy to get out of the cold, de-selfing concrete shell of your childhood. You are an astonishingly brave and deeply caring person. You are the perfect gift for your son.