Saturday, April 23, 2011

My head is just all over the place lately...

Don't know if it's any one thing really. More of a combination of things.

Since going NC with NM about 15 months ago, I've had moments now and then when I've longed to call her up or write her a letter. Basically just wanting to connect to a mother-figure. But recently dh's GM died which got me to thinking about how nothing in life is guaranteed and how none of us knows how long we have left on this earth. If NM died tomorrow, how would I feel? I think part of me would feel, "What a waste." All that time we spent not speaking when we could have been in each other's lives. What a waste if would all have been. And yet, at the same time there's a part of me that thinks it's not exactly a waste because it's what I needed to heal and become more of my own person.

And now my relationship with my father and NSM has ended which has also made me long to connect with a parental-figure. It just hurts so much that he doesn't even care enough to call me or attempt to contact me in any way. Surely he knows what's going on or has some idea that I'm upset or hurting as I know NSM is never one to let some major N supply go to waste. And yet, he hasn't called or written or emailed at all. One would think that after missing out on over 15 years of my life he wouldn't want to risk that happening again, that he'd want to make the most of every minute we have together now...but apparently not.

The loss of my father has once again brought thoughts of NM to the forefront of my thought. This, coupled with a birthday card from NM for ds which arrived in the post yesterday, has me thinking of NM, wondering if I made the right decision, if maybe there isn't some thing yet I haven't tried that might make it possible for me to have NM in my life again. In the card, NM writes, "Tell your mommy I said hello and give her a big hug for me. Love you guys, Grandma xx". As I read it, in spite of myself I found myself thinking, "Awww. How nice. Maybe she's really not as bad as I'd thought..." and longing to pick up the phone and call her. I actually came close to picking up the phone twice today.

As I stood in the shower before, it occurred to me that I'm once again hoping that foolish hope. It's kind of like those religious people who walk with the snakes and trust that God will keep the snakes from biting and then act all surprised when the snakes bite them. The snakes aren't being malicious, they are merely behaving as snakes. I'm going about this thinking that this time there will be this Hallmark moment and yes, NM won't ever be the ideal mother but maybe, just maybe, it will work this time when the truth is that I'm going to be disappointed, let down and hurt yet again. Not because NM is trying to be deliberately malicious necessarily but because, like the snake, she's just behaving true to her nature and doing what N's do.

Dh says that unless and until I'm willing to accept NM just as she is now and am okay with having her in my life anyway, that I'm not ready to reconnect with her. I feel that while I cannot technically change NM, that by changing how I REACT to NM she, in a sense, can't help but alter her behavior somewhat to accommodate my change which, in effect, will alter her behavior the tiniest bit. Maybe, just maybe, that would be enough when coupled with my new-found courage to stand my ground?

*sigh* WHY must this be so hard and complicated? This is my MOTHER we're talking about here! I mean, I shouldn't have to worry about my MOTHER, of all people, trying to hurt me. I should be able to call her up and share things with her and have her in my life and trust that she'll be there for me and have my back. Yes, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes or fails us - albeit usually unintentionally - from time to time. That's a part of life and will occur in even the best relationships. I no longer expect or ask NM to be perfect but WHY oh WHY can't she just be GOOD ENOUGH? Just good enough so that we could be in each other's lives in some capacity, no matter how small?

Ugh. I feel so confused and all over the place right now.


  1. This post moved me to reply.

    I understand this pain. It's going on 12 years since I went NC with my mother (following the final straw of her hurtful behaviour) and she has never attempted to understand my feelings, let alone reconcile.

    It just shows how toxic these people are. Healthy people don't find it difficult to treat people with kindness and respect. It doesn't take a continual emotional adjustment to be around a healthy person.

    Please be gentle with yourself. It's a difficult situation and it's only natural and healthy to be confused.

  2. I had a long and glorious comment that I wrote for you, but somewhere it was lost in the posting process.

    I'll summarize what I wrote-

    If you go to my blog and read my posts from mid-december 2010, you will see that it was a time in my life that there were a lot of crappy things going on. If there was ever a time that I needed a 'mother' it was then. Unfortunatly, the Dragon, can never be the mother that I 'need' her to be- just as you described above. I did attempt to reconcile with the Dragon. Although I had my hopes up, they were dashed within a few short email exchanges.

    She had not spent the two months of our NC doing what I had hoped she would do- stopping and thinking about our relationship, what went wrong, what can she do to make it better, did she play a part in its dysfunction? She did none of that. As usual, she bided her time, hoping that I would forgive and forget as I always had done.

    At that time I realized, unless I was willing to accept my mother as she was, and be able to stay strong enough to set boundaries that she could not cross, I would never have a relationship with her again. I knew that I wasn't strong enough to do that then... I still am not, and I'm not sure I ever will be.

    I know it's difficult to give up the dream that our mothers will never be able to 'mother' us. I long for a 'mother' in my life... even though I am a mother myself. The Dragon can never be, and never has been, the mother that I needed.

    I am recommending that you NOT contact your mother until you are sure you have the strength enough to maintain boundaries and guide your relationship with your mother on the path you need it to take. If you aren't strong enough, it will only make you feel more confused and all over the place.

    Big Motherly Hugs,

  3. You have my deepest sympathies. I have been through this phase. It is really hard. Your situation might be different but I had to accept that my NM not only did not change, she viewed my change as a further sign of my mental problems therefore must be endured until I "come around." Some days I just feel really sad. Feeling like life is short right now is adding to the stress of the situation. I hope that you have a great day tomorrow. Your DH sounds like an awesome guy and ds sounds special too. I am sorry this is so hard right now. (((hugs)))

  4. Just a quick thought, from someone who comes from an entire family of narcissists: "family" means those who cherish you, care for you, love you. This is the definition of family. Arbitrary, genetic linkage doesn't guarantee admission to one's family.
    There are many wonderful people in the world. Likewise, there are many neutral or not-so-nice people in the world. Minimize/eliminate contact with them as much as possible.
    For your one fabulous life: put into your life ONLY people you love to be with and who love to be with you. This will develop your personhood and make you the person you are meant to be.