Don't know if it's any one thing really. More of a combination of things.
Since going NC with NM about 15 months ago, I've had moments now and then when I've longed to call her up or write her a letter. Basically just wanting to connect to a mother-figure. But recently dh's GM died which got me to thinking about how nothing in life is guaranteed and how none of us knows how long we have left on this earth. If NM died tomorrow, how would I feel? I think part of me would feel, "What a waste." All that time we spent not speaking when we could have been in each other's lives. What a waste if would all have been. And yet, at the same time there's a part of me that thinks it's not exactly a waste because it's what I needed to heal and become more of my own person.
And now my relationship with my father and NSM has ended which has also made me long to connect with a parental-figure. It just hurts so much that he doesn't even care enough to call me or attempt to contact me in any way. Surely he knows what's going on or has some idea that I'm upset or hurting as I know NSM is never one to let some major N supply go to waste. And yet, he hasn't called or written or emailed at all. One would think that after missing out on over 15 years of my life he wouldn't want to risk that happening again, that he'd want to make the most of every minute we have together now...but apparently not.
The loss of my father has once again brought thoughts of NM to the forefront of my thought. This, coupled with a birthday card from NM for ds which arrived in the post yesterday, has me thinking of NM, wondering if I made the right decision, if maybe there isn't some thing yet I haven't tried that might make it possible for me to have NM in my life again. In the card, NM writes, "Tell your mommy I said hello and give her a big hug for me. Love you guys, Grandma xx". As I read it, in spite of myself I found myself thinking, "Awww. How nice. Maybe she's really not as bad as I'd thought..." and longing to pick up the phone and call her. I actually came close to picking up the phone twice today.
As I stood in the shower before, it occurred to me that I'm once again hoping that foolish hope. It's kind of like those religious people who walk with the snakes and trust that God will keep the snakes from biting and then act all surprised when the snakes bite them. The snakes aren't being malicious, they are merely behaving as snakes. I'm going about this thinking that this time there will be this Hallmark moment and yes, NM won't ever be the ideal mother but maybe, just maybe, it will work this time when the truth is that I'm going to be disappointed, let down and hurt yet again. Not because NM is trying to be deliberately malicious necessarily but because, like the snake, she's just behaving true to her nature and doing what N's do.
Dh says that unless and until I'm willing to accept NM just as she is now and am okay with having her in my life anyway, that I'm not ready to reconnect with her. I feel that while I cannot technically change NM, that by changing how I REACT to NM she, in a sense, can't help but alter her behavior somewhat to accommodate my change which, in effect, will alter her behavior the tiniest bit. Maybe, just maybe, that would be enough when coupled with my new-found courage to stand my ground?
*sigh* WHY must this be so hard and complicated? This is my MOTHER we're talking about here! I mean, I shouldn't have to worry about my MOTHER, of all people, trying to hurt me. I should be able to call her up and share things with her and have her in my life and trust that she'll be there for me and have my back. Yes, no one is perfect. Everyone makes mistakes or fails us - albeit usually unintentionally - from time to time. That's a part of life and will occur in even the best relationships. I no longer expect or ask NM to be perfect but WHY oh WHY can't she just be GOOD ENOUGH? Just good enough so that we could be in each other's lives in some capacity, no matter how small?
Ugh. I feel so confused and all over the place right now.