Just got through talking to my dad. (He called me.) Before hanging up, I said I wanted to ask about something. I told him that I'd noticed NSM seemed a little, shall we say INSISTENT, on all of us going out tomorrow and I asked my dad, "Is there a problem with my house or something?" I said it very politely, even laughed a little so I wouldn't come across wrong. He said to me - and I cannot BELIEVE he actually said this - that YES, in fact, there WAS a problem with my house, that it's "too small" and that they've "already DONE the whole 'sit around and my house and eat' thing before" and wanted to go out and DO something being that they a) rarely get to see us and b) are on vacation. :shock: Trying to remain polite, I told him that I get that they are just different personalities than us, where as they like to always be on the go, dh and I are "homebodies" and much prefer to just hang around the house and talk or whatever. He insulted me further by saying that he and NSM are offering me a COMPROMISE by suggesting that I go out to eat with them and not eat anything!!! So, apparently, I should APPRECIATE their rudeness?!!
I started to excuse myself and end the conversation then but he started talking about something else and I joined into that conversation. Things went okay for a few minutes and then the asshat has the gall to say to me that I need to put my dog to sleep because not only does it cause me stress but it's not fair to the dog (though he didn't phrase it like that). He added that when their (MY) dog Alex got to where he couldn't get up well anymore, they had him put to sleep because "it was more humane and they didn't want him to suffer". Mind you, this is the same man who reportedly - and, sadly, I can totally believe it - BEAT my dog with a two by four with a NAIL in it. Yet HE is somehow superior to ME because I don't feel it's time quite yet to let my dog go and put her to sleep??!! He also added that the situation with the dog (getting older and deteriorating) is just like dh's GM, people and animals get old and die. It's just a part of life and we have to just "deal with it and roll with the punches"!!! :shock: I mean, really, can he and NSM be ANY MORE thoughtless and apathetic about the whole thing??
Am seriously leaning towards just canceling the whole visit tomorrow by playing sick and then going NC after they're gone. I had hoped to have some sort of a positive relationship with my dad, especially so given my relationship status with my NM but, after this last conversation, it's clear he's just as f**ked up in the head as NM. Same goes for NSM who, if you ask me, is MORE f**ked up in the head. Out of FOUR parents, not a single ONE worth a damn in the entire bunch!
About Me
- DisturbedAngel
- I am 38 years old, married to a wonderful, loving man and the proud stay-at-home mama to a beautiful little boy. I grew up with a narcissistic mother and abusive stepfather. My half sister has always been the golden child and I, the family scapegoat who can never seem to measure up. After years of bending over backward to try and have a good relationship with my half sister, I finally severed contact in March of 2009. Then, in January of 2010, I also severed all contact with my narcissistic mother. (Updated to add that as of May 2011, I've also cut ties with my narcissistic father and stepmother as well.) Currently, I am back in contact with my NM in a limited capacity. Walking away from all that toxicity was a LONG time coming but I can't believe how much better I feel because of it. This diary is intended primarily to be a log of my journey toward healing from the abuses I've endured. I hope it will also become a place where others who've been cast as the family scapegoat or who've been the victims of a narcissist's abuse can find comfort in knowing they aren't alone.
Shaking my head in disbelief at the callous and rude way your dad thinks and treats you. What really struck me was how conversations like this make us feel so insignificant and unloved and unappreciated. I think you have the right idea, play sick, beg off, go NC. My mother's been gone 10 months yesterday, the dark cloud of angst and low self worth and pervasive guilt is really starting to lift... can feel it more and more. Allow yourself to have that! These people are just so toxic.
ReplyDeleteLast straw indeed, sounds like he threw you a whole bale. Sad to realize that parents by many examples don't even act like nice people. Sorry this is all hitting you at such a hard time. Hoping that your day goes in a way that works for you tomorrow.
ReplyDeleteWhy do parents expect respect when they don't give it?
ReplyDeleteAs to the dog issue: Been there! My parents (now, in their 80s) told me how awful and cruel I was being because I was waiting to put my dog down. I knew she was fading, but I gave her the best possible care, nursing her through the bad days, and making the most of the good days. I finally did put her down at 17. Incredibly old for a big dog. How I stopped my parents complaining: "You get to see, in advance, how I'll treat you. So how I treat her is how I'll treat you." Funny, I never heard another complaint.
Whatever way you decide to go, it isn't going to be easy. You're in my thoughts as you tackle this difficult situation.
@ Judy - Interestingly enough, my dh said something similar. He said that I should have said to my dad (who is currently taking care of his elderly mother and MIL), "So how are the grandma's doing?", knowing the answer would be "Not too good these days." At that point, I should have asked him, "So, because they're not doing good, by your rationale, it'd be more HUMANE to euthanize THEM as well, so they don't have to suffer anymore?" LOL Would be interesting to see how the bugger would handle THAT!
ReplyDelete@ joyful - Ironically, for once I actually DON'T feel that the problem is ME. That is to say, I didn't come away from this feeling hurt or insignificant as I normally would have. Instead, I feel a huge wave of acceptance. I guess I've known for a long time how they were but I kept choosing to be blind to it because I so badly wanted a positive relationship with at least ONE parent, ya know? But after his comments to me last night, the blinders are off and there is no more pretending. My dad is not an EF, he's an NF and, quite frankly, I've had enough of N's in my life!
ReplyDeleteEjoy (That is enjoy without Ns.) Hoping your day turns out as good as possible.
ReplyDelete@ Ruth - LOL LOVE that! Will definitely have to remember that one! Ejoy...HA!!! :o)
ReplyDeleteThinking about you today. Hope your day is peaceful.
ReplyDelete@ Ruth - Me too! DS had an allergic reaction to something he ate yesterday. I discovered hives all over his trunk, arms and neck yesterday. Scared me half to death. Thankfully he's doing MUCH better today, but it'll take a couple more days probably before I stop checking the poor child. Also realized that with ds' bday looming near, I suppose I can be expecting a package from mommy dearest soon. Joy of joys. (NOT.) Will be SO glad when this week is over and DONE!
ReplyDeleteI have come to realize, having come from two "lovely" donors myself, that when they remarry they just may pick someone just like them. Actually it is pretty darned likely.
ReplyDeleteI wouldn't pretend sick, I would tell them that I would like them to enjoy their vacation doing what they want to do. That being, not visiting me. And never to discuss my pets or euthanizing people to me again. That it is inappropriate and disturbing.
LOL, I got the shivers when I read about asking about your grandmas. You may not want to put any ideas into his head. People like this tend to lack any kind of normal conscience, and you just never know what an idea might sprout.
Seriously, I found out that during my donors divorce...my male donor tried to get the female donor to sign an life insurance policy payable to him. He actually got one on me!!! Which I only found out about, because I was still alive and the state needed to refund me the cash value.
BTW, this is after my male donor admitted to fantasizing about killing the female donor. Really something wrong with people even thinking about his in their head only for their convenience. I am no fan of my donors or step monster, but I assure you that I do not wish them dead for my comfort, and I think that is pretty normal.
Good for you for taking such great care of your dog in his old age. We have done the same, and it's a wonderful gift and thing to do.
Ask him what he would like you to do when he becomes too inconvenient? LOL
Glad to hear DS is feeling better. That is tough. Rash on top of everything else. I think this week being over is an excellent idea. How is DH after the funeral?
ReplyDelete@ Ruth - Dh seems to be about as expected. He's still a bit down but I think he's happy to have it over and done with so he can get back to life as usual.
ReplyDeleteNow if I can just make it to Friday - which will mean NSM and NF will be on their way back home to home state - I can also relax and get back to life as usual...